No introductions needed.

      For years I had imagined what it would be like to introduce Tyson to his little brother or sister for the very first time. Each year I would try to create the perfect moment in my head to best suit Tyson's age. For a few years I started to wonder if that moment would ever come. When we got the got the call that we were pregnant again, I had a glimmer of hope that the day I prayed for would finally be within reach. Finally after 39 long weeks, that moment was here. 

      Our baby girl was born at 9:49am, but because of our long stay in recovery, the storm outside and my parents having to drive over an hour go get to the hospital, it wasn't until 4:40pm that Tyson finally got there. Even with all the commotion around our room, I picked out his voice coming down the hall right away. As I waited for him to finally enter the room, I held Taelyn in my arms and whispered in her ear how lucky she was to have a big brother that would love and protect so her unconditionally. For years he had begged us to make him a big brother, promising he would be the most amazing brother anyone had ever seen. I know he prayed for her just as much as I had all these years and waited for this moment almost as long.

     I'm not sure if he was still in disbelief at it all, but his very first words as he entered the room were, "I knew there wouldn't be a baby here, I just knew it." His voice was so sad and I could only imagine what was going on in his head. As he stared into the empty bassinet, I asked him if he could see what was in my arms. As I lifted the blanket from her face, I could see his eyes grow so big. He choked up and with tears in his eyes said "she's really here." I was doing so good until I saw his big blue eyes gloss over and at that moment my own eyes blurred. I told him that it was alright for him to climb up onto the bed with us to get a better look. I was hoping I would be able to hold him in my arms as I handed his sister to him, but the pain from the surgery prevented that. Instead he sat on my lap and leaned over to give his sister a soft kiss on her head. Just as I had whispered to her moments before, Tyson now whispered "your finally here and I love you." It is a moment that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Finally meeting his baby sister.

Holding her  for the first time.

I can not put into words the love I have for my babies!!!

 

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Happy Birthday

     Sorry this is going to be a very long post but it is for my memories as much as your reading pleasure. :) 

     The night before our big day, my husband and I decided to drive the hour and a half to where we would be delivering because of the huge snow storm that was heading our way. The last thing I wanted to have to worry about was trying to drive through a blizzard in the early morning hours. I knew it would he strange staying in a hotel my last night being pregnant, but I never imagined it would be as hard as it was. When we left, our son was in tears, begging to go with us. Trying to explain to him that it wasn't possible for him to go was a very emotional moment. Seeing him crying along with realizing that it was the last time I would hug my son as an only child was overwhelming. As my husband and I got in the car and started to pull out of the driveway, the flood gates opened and I cried the first twenty minutes of our drive. I was excited to finally meet our daughter, sad to leave my son and scared to death of the upcoming surgery. Pregnancy hormones on top of all that and the water works were inevitable.

     Anyway after finally checking into our hotel, Jeff and I decided to go on one last date night. We went out to dinner, hung out at the casino for a bit, did a little shopping and just enjoyed our time together. The night before her birth was like running a marathon with a gauntlet of emotions along the race track so once we got back to the hotel, I decided that I just wanted to soak in the tub. As I laid there in the hot water I could not help but to be sad to know that my time being pregnant would soon be over. Despite being sick the entire 39 weeks, having to deal with pelvic pain, ending up in the hospital and undergoing exploratory surgery, the Lovenox and Haprin injections, the needles from checking my blood sugar four times a day, along with everything else that accompanies pregnancy, I was still so sad to see it all end. I loved being pregnant. I loved my huge belly that would not fit behind most tables, I loved feeling her kick her feet into my ribs and I loved waking up to her rhythmic hiccups. I would miss knowing that she was safe and protected and I was sad to know that I would soon have to share her with the world.

     After my bath, I took some a few more belly pics then went to bed. I thought for sure that this being my second time around and knowing exactly what was going to happen, that I would somehow be more comforted and be able to fall right off to sleep, but I couldn't seem to shut off my brain long enough to get any real rest. .  

     Before I knew it, the phone rang. At first I was upset that someone would call this early in the morning, until I realized it was our wake up call. That seems so strange now, to get a wake up call from a complete stranger telling us that it was time to get up so that we could go to the hospital to have a baby. As I sat there filled with excitement that this was the day we would finally meet our precious baby girl, I found myself almost unable to move. I didn't want to make a single move without trying to remember what was happening around me. We had waited so very long to finally be at this moment again and I didn't want to forget a single second of it. 

     My husband realized that I was needing to take my time, as much as possible, so he took his shower first then went off to get himself breakfast. I was very appreciative that he decided to eat in the small dining room rather then bring his breakfast back to our room, knowing that I was unable to eat anything before surgery. While he was gone I took my time taking one last hot shower, trying to imprint the image of my big pregnant belly in my mind. It is strange to think of now, but at that moment I was so afraid I would forget what I looked like being pregnant, or that I would forget what it felt like to feel her move so close to my heart. 

     After Jeff got back, it was time to pack everything up and make the short drive over to the hospital. As soon as I stepped out of the hotel I was so thankful that we had decided to drive down the night before. The ground was covered in ice and a few inches of very slippery snow. The drive to the hospital would have normally taken about 15 minutes, but because of the weather it was closer to 45. Good thing we got up as early as we did. 

     Once there, Jeff dropped me off at the door so I could avoid walking in any of the mess outside. I went to registration and waited of him to join me with all of my bags and pillows. (Never again will I go into the hospital without my own pillows!) After getting all checked in, it was time to head up the the labor and delivery floor. This is when things really started to happen fast. 

     As soon as we walked through the L&D doors, we were taken right into a room where I was given a gown and asked to change and leave a urine sample. Thinking that we had plenty of time, putting on the gown really didn't invoke any major emotions. Had I realized just how fast it would all go, I think I would have been more nervous from the very start. 

     After putting on the gown, I was placed in the bed where I almost instantly had blood drawn, blood pressure and temperature taken and was asked what seemed like an endless list of questions. After that was finally done, the nurse got ready to place my IV. After giving ample warnings of my not so corporative

veins, she ensured me that she was very good and proceeded to completely miss her first and second attempts at even getting the needle in my hand.  After blowing any possible veins in my right hand, she finally called in  one of the anaesthesiologist and they were able to get my IV going. I thought the hard stuff was finally over, but I am not a very good judge of these things. Nope, instead the nurse asked me if she could see my "area" to make sure that it was trimmed well enough. I was going to omit this part of my experience, but heck, it's life. 

After hearing Jeff chuckle from the comfort of his chair, the nurse lifted my gown to inspect the "surgical site" and to my horror was told that it needed a little work. Come on lady, my belly is huge, I'm lucky that I can still see ANY of my "area" at all. I did my best to "prepare your surgical site," cut me some slack. Before I had a chance to really get embarrassed, she was right in there with the smallest electric razor I have every seen. While she was doing what she needed, I was making sure I was acting very adult about the situation. I was trying to turn my head and bury it into my pillow. I had no desire to watch her do anything to my surgical area,  but I was very thankful that she didn't ask Jeff to take care of it for me.

Soon after that, my doctor came in and went over the plans for the day. We talked about meeting the anaesthesiologist who would be doing my spinal, meeting the other nurses that would be in the OR, and finalizing our hopes at our birth plan. He also asked if Jeff and I were comfortable allowing a few student doctors in the room to watch our surgery. Knowing that I could help them learn something first hand and to witness their first live birth was very exciting so we both agreed. We ended up having three students in the room and I am happy to say that not one of them passed out or got sick. :) 

     Before he left to prep for our c-section, Jeff and I asked if it would be possible to video tape her actual birth. I hated feeling so disconnected with Tyson's birth and really hoped that being able to actually see her entrance into this world would help with that feeling. Luckily after asking the other members of the OR team, everyone agreed that we could record her birth. Not only did that go the way we had prayed, but we also found out that Jeff would be able to cut her cord (well more or less trim it once she was over in the warmer) and that I would also be able to nurse her in recovery. Already things were going 100% better than they had when I gave birth with my son. After that my doctor left the room to get ready while we waited to meet everyone else.

     Our anaesthesiologist was amazing and despite me breaking down in tears the moment he entered the room, he gave us plenty of time to ask questions and voice our concerns. My last 4 spinals had not gone well and during the last, I experienced a great deal of pain and a few complications. I tried so hard to focus on the fact that I would get to meet my daughter soon, but I was so engrossed in fear over the spinal that I couldn't even allow myself to be excited. The anaesthesiologist did his best to comfort me, but there wasn't much he could say at that point to make me feel any better. 

     Shortly after he left the room, it was go time. The nurse came in with the most disgusting drink that tasted almost like pure lemon juice with a hint of sour milk. I had it before with my son but forgot just how bad it was. Because I already suffer from acid reflux I knew there was no getting around it and got it down in one shot. Once that was done, I was on my feet for one last photo, a kiss from Jeff and out the door for the short walk across the hall to the OR.

     As soon as the cold from the OR hit me, so did the nerves. I once again started crying and this time I also started shaking uncontrollably. The nurses did their best to calm me, but the fears from my past experiences completely took over and the fear was the only thing I could concentrate on. 

     Once I was sitting on the table, the anaesthesiologist began to prepare my back. The iodine wash was very cold and made my back very sensitive to his every touch. The nurse in front of me asked me to tuck into as small of a ball as possible and allowed me to rest my head on her shoulder while another nurse held my hand. They were all so nice as they tried their best to distract me by asking questions about our baby. Was I having a girl or a boy? (Girl)  Did our baby have a name? (Not yet) Did our baby have any big brothers or sisters waiting at home to meet her? (A very excited big brother) As I tried to answer their questions, I heard the deep voice behind me telling me that he was about to start and no matter what, I had to do my very best not to move. Trying not to move when all you want to do is to jump off the table and run like hell isn't the easiest. At least not for me. 

     As I took as deep of a breath as I could, I could feel the cold needle slide into my back. Within seconds came the familiar burning feeling as the numbing medication flooded throughout my spine. I was so shocked  that he was able to get the first needle placed in one try that I didn't even notice that he had already placed the second larger one. As I was asking him if he got the first needle in where he needed, I felt the familiar tingling in my feet and legs. Not believing that it could have gone that perfectly, I almost yelled out to him, asking if it was all over. With a little laugh, he assured me that it was all over and that it couldn't have gone any better. Through relieved tears I told him that the first chance I got, I wanted to give him a hug! As they were laying me down, he came around to my head and shook my hand, saying that his wife wouldn't like him hugging another women. Everyone laughed and the mood in the room seemed to instantly lift. I was once again smiling and focusing on what mattered most, my daughter. 

     It didn't take long before the drapes were up, monitors placed around my chest and everyone taking their places. My doctor came into the room and told me that we would be starting any moment and that once they did, they would allow Jeff in to join me. It didn't seem like I had time to take a breath when he walked into the room. It was so strange, I still had the ability to move my feet, and yet I didn't feel the sharp knife sliding through my skin. Amazing things spinals are when they go right! 

     As Jeff sat beside me, holding my hand, we ran down our list of names one more time. Sill believing that I would be able to choose one as soon as I saw her, we waited for the doctor to give Jeff the OK to turn on the camera. I'm not sure if it was nerves, excitement or pure adrenalin, but I started to feel quite sick. At this point I could also feel the doctor and nurse pulling at my stomach getting ready to bring our daughter from the only home she has known and into a world of possibilities and love. Thankfully my new best friend. the anaesthesiologist, gave me something to calm my stomach and as soon as I started to feel better, the doctor called for Jeff to stand up and get the camera ready. Withing seconds I felt very strong pulling then heard the most amazing sound that I believe only a Mother can truly appreciate. Hearing your baby cry for the first time isn't a feeling that anyone could ever adequately put into words. It's a moment that you will never forget. It's a moment that your entire being is so filled with love, that I truly believe is the only moment the comes close enough on Earth for us to imagine how God feels about us all. It's a moment that I longed for and was finally here, she was here, she was crying and she was perfect!! As soon as she was out, the nurse brought her over for me to see before walking her over to the warmer. She was covered in vernix (vernix, is the waxy or cheese-like white substance found coating the skin of newborn human babies) and blood, but I hardly noticed any of it. I just saw this perfect little face and knew that I was instantly and irrevocably in love. 

Minutes old

      After they took her out of my view, Jeff was called over to be with her. I was so filled with emotion for him because he was denied these first precious moments with our son. Once by her side, he was able to take a few photos of our daughter before the nurse took the camera from him and captured the moment he was able to cut her cord. He always said that he never felt any strong emotions over not getting to do this with our son, but I believe that changed after he experienced it with her. I only wish I was able to actually see him, but because of the large blue drape, I could only hear his soft tears mixing with our daughters. I would share the photos from that moment along with the video of her birth, but it still feels too personal and I'm not quite ready to share that with the world just yet. 

     After a short time, I heard the nurse say "are you ready to go meet your Mommy?" and I knew she would soon be at my side. I wanted so much to be able to sit up on that table and hold her, but I knew that wasn't possible just yet. When Jeff finally walked her over, I once again felt warm tears flowing down my cheeks. This time they were tears of pure joy and overwhelming relief that she was alright. 

     I wasn't allowed to hold her, but Jeff held her close enough for me to touch her precious hands and kiss her sweet face. I could not believe how tiny she looked, so much smaller then her brother, so much smaller than any of us had expected. She was still covered in vernix and I was surprised to feel just how sticky it was, but it didn't stop me from kissing her as much as I could before she had to go to the nursery.

Meeting her for the first time.

     Soon it was time for Jeff to take her away and as much as I HATED having to see her go, I knew that it was too cold in the OR for her and that she needed a closer look over. Because c-section babies don't get that good squeeze, they often retain fluid in their lungs and this was the case with her. She was in no danger, but working a little harder then normal to breath.  

     After she left I remember someone asking me what I decided to name her and I honestly still had no idea. She looked so much like our son that it was almost like reliving his birth with the addition of so many positive aspects. I told them that I would try and decide when I got to really hold her and get to know her a little better. Until then I remember laying on the table with my arms out to the sides and staring at the monitors and that big blue sheet in front of me. It seemed to take hours for the doctor to close me up, I just wanted to be with my baby again. While I was laying there listening to the doctor talk to the nurse and others in the room I remember feeling like this immense heaviness that I didn't even know was there started to lift off of me. I began to feel lighter and lighter and at first I was afraid something was wrong, but after a quick reassurance from the doctor, I realized that it was the weight of the stress and fear that I had been holding onto the entire 39 weeks. I no longer had to worry about going in for an ultrasound and not seeing her precious little heart beating. I no longer had to worry about that gut wrenching pain when I didn't feel her move. I didn't have to beg God every day to allow me to keep this baby in my arms and not have to look up to the stars to feel close to her. I was able to finally thank God with my entire soul that she was hear and that she was alive and ours to keep. The realization that I could finally allow those fears to go was so mentally and physically strong that I felt as though the new tears flowing from my eyes would never stop. My doctor was wonderful and almost seemed to know what I was thinking and looked behind the drape to once again tell me that she was perfect and that I could finally stop worrying.

     Finally after what seemed like half a life time, the doctor said I was finished. They slid me from the OR table onto a bed and wheeled me into recovery. My recovery nurse was so amazing and I wish I could remember her name. She was exactly what I needed in those first few hours. She was kind, she was gentle and she honest. 

     After my doctor came in to tell me that everything went better than he had imagined (no extra bleeding due to the Heprin) he said he would be back after the weekend to check on me, if I was still there. He also explained that I would have to stay in recovery until I started regaining feeling and movement in my legs, but he would make sure that Jeff and my daughter could join me as soon as possible. After he left, my wonderful nurse set about her work. She checked my vitals and checked to make sure my uterus was contracting and not becoming "boggy" or soft. To do this she had to push hard on my uterus and I will not lie, it hurts, A LOT! Each time she would check the firmness of my uterus, she would also check on how much I was bleeding. Everything was looking great so she finally called the nursery and said it was OK for Jeff and our daughter to come down. 

     Again the moments passed way too slowly, but soon the door opened and there was Jeff. My heart jumped into my throat when I saw that he didn't have our daughter, but moments later a nurse brought her in. Jeff had told them in the nursery that I wanted to strictly breastfeed and she was there to help me get started. I was amazed because when I had my son, they handed him to me and left the room, leaving me to try to figure out how to nurse for the first time on my own. I honestly think if I had more or really any help during those first few days, I wouldn't have given up so quickly with my son. 

     Anyway, the nurse finally put her in my arms and helped me to latch her. She latched like a pro and started eating right away. I felt this amazing since of peace as I held her for the first time and fed her. It was an instant bond and one I didn't want to end. Unfortunately I was only able to nurse her and hold her for a short time. My recovery nurse suggested it was time for a few photos because she may need to go back to the nursery sooner then expected. Moments earlier she once again checked my fundus (uterus) but this time it was no longer nice and firm. As she slowly massaged my stomach to try to get it to firm back up, Jeff and I took our first photos as a family. After the second picture the nurse said it was time for the baby to go back. She then asked Jeff if he wanted to go with the baby or stay with me. She also stated that she wasn't panicking, but that she was getting very concerned. My uterus was getting boggy and I was bleeding heavily. I told Jeff that I was fine and that I wanted him to go back with the baby. I couldn't stand the idea of her being alone, even for a moment. Jeff didn't tell me until later, but he never realized there was a problem until after I was settled into my room. 

     After Jeff left, my nurse paged for my doctor to come back and asked another nurse to come into the room. The second nurse checked me and I was bleeding a lot more then normal and that things needed to happen fast. My recovery nurse then came so she could speak directly to me and said that what was going to happen next was going to be very painful, but had to be done. She said she would hold my hand and explained that the nurse that she called into the room was going to have to massage my uterus as hard as she could to try to stimulate it to contract. If this didn't work then I would have to go back into surgery right away. My recovery nurse then grabbed my hand and told me to cry if I needed. She also told me that we were still not to the point of panic, but we needed to do this now. I closed my eyes and prayed to God that everything was going to be alright. I begged him not to let anything happen to me. I didn't come this far and go through so much to be taken away from my babies. To be taken away from my son who for the past 7 years I lived and breathed for and away from my daughter that I loved with all my heart even though we barely met was not an option. This couldn't be happening. As she held my hand,and while I prayed with all my soul, the second nurse leaned into my stomach as hard as she could, massaging my uterus. The pain was intense and since the spinal was wearing off, I felt her pull at my incision with every push to my stomach. I couldn't stop the cries from escaping and even though I tried my best to keep it together, I was terrified. It was my recovery nurse who calmed me down and got me through it. She never stopped talking to me or explaining what was going on. Finally the doctor ran back into the room and after both he and the nurse worked on my stomach, my uterus finally started to contract on it's own. After the doctor checked the amount of blood loss, I was told that he didn't think it was necessary for me to have a transfusion, but I would have to be watched very closely. It was such a scary situation and I am so thankful for that nurse for being honest with me and never once feeling like I didn't know what was going on. 

     After another hour, I was finally taken down to my room where I stayed for the next three days. The room where I really got to bond with my daughter, the room where my son met his sister for the first time and the room where my parents finally met their 8th grandchild, but I'll save that for another post. 

Finally in my arms to stay.

Where has the time gone?

I started typing my birth story then I blinked and THREE months have flown by. I am sorry for not updating sooner, but life has kept us all quite busy. Thanks to a few rainy days I am hoping to catch everyone up with our new family of four.

Prayers answred......

March 1, 2013 was a day that I for a long time, didn't believe would ever come. Many years ago after countless negative pregnancy tests, I started giving up hope that we would have any more children. Month after month, year after year I had to deal with the crushing blow of realizing that yet another cycle would pass without those two precious lines on a plastic stick that I prayed so hard for. In those years I watched friends and family announce their pregnancies, watched them give birth and even saw their precious children growing up before my eyes and yet our turn didn't come. Even my son would ask why his Auntie could have her 4th, 5th, 6th and even 7th child and yet he had no brothers or sisters. Wanting a child for myself is one thing, but having my son begging to be a big brother was an entire new kind of pain. Saying that I longed for those moments to be mine, to be ours, would be such a vast understatement. There were moments in those years that I would find my faith again and convince myself to only think positive thoughts and inevitably I would find myself wondering around the baby isles, imagining myself with a round belly picking out everything that we would need for our precious new son or daughter and even once and a while I would buy an outfit here or there or a stuffed animal that I knew would bring years of joy to someone who lived only in my dreams. 

Six years is an incredibly long time to long for a child that you believe is missing from your family. Seventy two months of negative results would take their toll on anyone and yet I somehow knew that I could never give up. It's so hard to explain the feeling that I held within my heart, this feeling that someone who belonged with us, that I already loved and yet never met was missing from our family. My arms always felt a little empty despite having a beautiful son that always filled them. I love my son more than anything and I never for one moment have forgotten the amazing gift I had and still have in him. He will always be my first miracle, my first honest and deepest love, but I could not shake the feeling that I had more love to give. That we were not yet complete as a family. The best way to describe it is when you loose a family member, your heart always longs for them. You knew they were a huge part of your life and without them here in the physical world with you, there's now  an empty space in your life and heart for them. This is how I felt, like there was an empty space waiting to be filled. Like someone was calling out to me, trying to get to me but couldn't find their way. Until now.

March 1, 2013 is the day that my heart finally became whole. At 9:49am our Daughter finally took her first breath. The feeling that engulfed me at the moment is one that I will not even try to describe for there are no words. As I laid on that cold operating table and finally heard those first precious cries, my world became what I had always prayed for. I closed my eyes and just thanked God with all the honesty and love my heart could give to him. Now, even as I type this, looking at my baby girl laying in her cradle asleep next to me, my heart thanks him. There are moments that I can not hide the tears, but this time they are tears of pure joy and love. It's only been 16 days since she came into my arms and yet it feels as though she has always been there. The first time I held both my son and my daughter is the first moment in my entire life that I have ever felt truly whole. Like I finally found where I belong on this vast spinning rock in space. I am complete and I am in love. I'm not saying that I would not love to have more children in the future, but right now I no longer have that empty feeling and I want to grasp onto it for as long as it lasts. So here are a few more pictures of our precious tiny miracle for you to enjoy. There are many more posts to come but for now I just want to thank God for her and thank everyone who followed in our story and what it took to get her here. 

Coming home from the hospital. She was so tiny that she wore a preemie outfit home.

Her first week home

She is beautiful, she is amazing and she is loved!

Baby Girl Gordon is HERE!!!

Baby Girl Gordon arrived this morning at 9:49am, weighing in at 6lbs 13oz and is 20 1/2 inches long. She has beautiful blue eyes and white blond hair. We are all completely in love and couldn't be happier. Now to try and come up with a name lol. 

I will update more later but it's been a long day and I am exhausted. Until then, enjoy these first few photos of our new baby girl.

Last photo of me pregnant. I already miss it, but I am so happy she is finally here!

Seconds old. :) She was a bit earlier then we expected. She probably could have stayed in for another few weeks at least.

First family photo.

She looks so chubby in this photo but she is tiny. She is wearing preemie clothes. :)

39 weeks and at the end!

I know I am missing a few weeks, yet again, but I do have the posts almost finished. I have been keeping notes and trying to get photos to add to each. I will go back and update the weeks I am missing, but before then, let me update everyone to right now. 

Tomorrow morningg I am going in for a scheduled c-section. Yup, that means baby girl will be here in less then 12 hours!!! I am so excited and yet so nervous! Tyson is staying with my parents and my husband and I are spending the night at a hotel so were closer to the hospital. Thanks to this wonderful new winter storm, we didn't dare chance driving down early tomorrow morning.

As excited as I know Tyson is to be a big brother, I also know that this transition will be a hard one. Seven years is a long time to be an only child, but I know we will adjust to being a family of 4 in the days to come. I have promised him that once I come home from the hospital we will still have our special time together everyday. I have always been the one to give last cuddles and tuck him into bed and I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn't change. 

So in these last hours before she is born, I am checking and rechecking my lists that I have everything we need for the hospital, everything we need at the house to bring her home and everything for Tyson has been taken care of, yet the most important and number one thing on my list is still unchecked. This little girl is still without a name! Jeff and I have gone through dozens of baby name books, Internet searches and ideas from family and friends, yet we still haven't been able to narrow it down and decide what to name our little girl. I am really hoping that once we see her tomorrow we will know what her name should be, but until then, if you have any ideas please let us know. At this point we could use all the help we can get. 

I promise I will update with lots of pictures once she is here. The hospital gets really boring so I am sure I will have more then enough time to get it done. :)

Libster Blog Award

    I am SO excited to have been nominated for my first Blog award! Thank you so much! It is such a wonderful feeling to think that my words have helped even one person.
 I was nominated by the amazing and wonderful Lexi and Sarah from the blog Our Baby Making Journey. Please make sure to check out there story here. http://ourbabymakinjourney.blogspot.com They have been working so hard at trying to start their family and have been through some very hard times. They are so strong and together they just found out that their PREGNANT!!! I am so excited for them and am looking forward to following their journey!!

So what do I do from here?! I now share the love to other bloggers and I also answer some fun questions from the person who nominated me. I then nominate 10 other bloggers and give them questions to answer. I am so sorry if I can not nominate all 10 though. I don't follow that many bloggers and most of the ones that I do, have hundreds of followers. I will try my best though and please remember that those I do nominate are  very special to me.

Here are the questions sent to me from Lexi and Sarah.

1. What is your favorite season and why?  My favorite season has always been fall. I love that the weather is getting a little cooler and that the world just seems to come alive with color. Living in a country for two years where the leaves do not turn into brilliant reds, yellows and oranges makes me appreciate the magic of the season even more. 

2. What is something you cant live without?  My children. This past year I have had to say goodbye to a lot of wonderful people and as hard as it was, I know each and every time I look at my son's face or feel my daughter kick in my belly that I honestly don't know how I could ever breath again without them here with me. I pray harder than anything that I never have to say goodbye to one of my children again.

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3. If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?  Italy!!! I have always been in love with the Tuscan hills and the old world feel. I love how life there just seems to be so relaxed and calm. The amazing views and strong family values is something that I hope our entire family can experience someday.

4. If given the ability to change one thing in this world what would you choose? Honestly, to force people to value life more. Not only their own, but also the life of others.  

5. Do you have any regrets in life?  I have moments in my life that I am not proud of, but I can't call them regrets. It was those moments that brought me to where I am and I could never change something in my past that might change my present. 

6. Why did you start blogging?  I started my first blog to share our journey as we traveled to a new country to live. Then I started this blog to share my story with trying to conceive and to find and give support down a path that needs all the support possible. I am very lucky and blessed because that wish was granted and I have met some amazing people have helped me more then they will ever know. 

7. What is your best trait?  Physical trait I would have to say my eyes, mostly because my son has my eyes and I am in love with his. :) Personality trait, I would have to say my since of humor. It has gotten me through some really tough times and when you can laugh at yourself, life is always more fun.

8. What is your worst trait?  Physical I would have to say my feet. There is nothing cute about a size 11 foot with a second toe larger than the first lol. Personality would have to be the fact that I have a hard time really trusting people. I use to trust so quickly and it got me hurt too many times. 

9. What is your best childhood memory?  Christmas. Every year my parents always made Christmas such a special and magical time of year.

10. Who are 3 people you would love to have dinner with (living or dead)?  Wow good question. The first would be my baby, just to be able to hold him or her in my arms, even for a short time would be the greatest gift ever. Never having held him or her will always leave a huge since of emptiness in my life. The second would be my brother and then I would give that dinner to my Mom. She never got to hold him after he died and I would love to give her that gift. The third would be my Grandmother from my Father's side of the family. Though she is still alive, I haven't seen or been able to speak to her in years.

11. Who is someone you miss?  I miss a lot of someones but my baby is someone who I miss fiercely. I wish I knew if by baby was a boy or a girl so I could give him/her a proper name. I wish I knew they were being taken care of they way I would and he or she knows how much I love and miss them. I will never forget you.........

As for my Liebster Blog Award nominations!!

 1.  Stone's Throw Away An amazing blog by an amazing writer. I love how she puts a special spin on even the most ordinary subjects.

2. Before The Morning  A family who with their strength in each other and in God have overcome so much.

3.Annabel Leigh Villadiego An inspiring blog about an inspiring little girl who like my niece lost her battle with T18.

4. The Macs Even after unimaginable loss this Mom still finds the strength to be an amazing and find strength in God.

5. The Kings I'm not sure if she has less then 200 followers, but after loosing her son and her husband within months, she needs all the support and love that she can get.

6.Our Baby Making Journey! I am not sure if I am suppose to include the person who nominated me, but they are very special and truly a blog you should check out!

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32 weeks pregnant

Wow, where did the past 31 weeks go!?! I can not believe I am already EIGHT months pregnant! Not only am I in complete shock, but I am also completely NOT ready!!! Being sick this past few weeks has really put me behind when it comes to getting our house ready for a new baby. I am starting to really stress that it will not get finished before she arrives.

During the past few months we have been working really hard on turning our once overly cluttered basement into a new playroom/family room. With the help of my Dad and another construction worker that we hired, new sheet rock has been hung, plastered, primed and painted. A new ceiling has been put up along with new lighting, the outlets have all been replaced with kid proof ones and new closets for toys have been built. The hold up now is the floor. Because my husband and father also fell victim to the flu, the new flooring has been sitting in boxes in the corner or the room for weeks. I am really hoping that if everyone is finally feeling better, the floor can be started sometime next week.

Once the new playroom is finished, the old playroom upstairs can be converted back into a bedroom and nursery for baby girl. I think I have the colors choosen, but I have been horribly indecisive. I think I am going to go for a pale pink, white and grey room, but I just can't make up my mind. It makes me laugh because with my son, I knew exactly what his room would be the moment I found out I was pregnant. For this little one, well she will be lucky if she has a room to come home to!

Other then her nursery, we are also working on getting a place ready for the baby in our own room. I have been working really hard on cleaning, disinfecting and reorganizing. I have a long way to go, but at least it has been started. After the room is clean, I have to get working on her cradle. Before I was born, my Dad made me a cradle and when I had my son, he fixed it up and gave it to me for him to use. I still have it and really want to use it for our baby girl, but because the cradle was put into storage for many years, its in need of another face lift. That along with the fact that a squirrel decided to make the cradle its home and when we took it out of storage it was filled with paper, sticks, insulation, dirty cloth and squirrel poo. To make sure that it is safe for baby girl, I am going to sand it down, bleach it and then paint it. I have talked to our doctor about  using it, just to make sure she thinks it will be safe and she agreed that after it's makeover, it will be perfect.

Other then a place for her to sleep, the rest of the house needs a major overhaul before her arrival. I want to make sure the rugs have been cleaned. the walls have been washed and everything has been disinfected. I am not taking any chances of her getting sick when we bring her home. In fact, I am even forcing my husband to get our car detailed before we leave the hospital! I know I sound paranoid, but I am not taking any chances.

I do have a few things finished and purchased though. As boring as it might be to read, I thought I would list the things we do have for her, and what we still need. If anything, it is a good place for me to write down my list so I know what's left. Please message me if you can think of anything I am missing! I haven't done the new Mom thing for 7 years and I know there is a lot I am forgetting!

           HAVE                                             NEED         

• Car Seat                                             Crib
• Winter Cover for Car Seat                 Crib Mattress
• Swing                                                 Crib Bedding
• Play Mat                                             Dresser / Changing Table
• Baby Carrier                                       First Aid Kit
• Breast Pump                                       Blankets
• Bottles                                                Pacifiers
• Rocking Chair for the Nursery          High Chair (not right away)
• Changing Pad and Covers                 Shampoo/Body Wash/ Lotion 
• Crib Sheets                                        Pack n' Play
• Clothes                                              Burp Cloths
• Onsies                                                Bottle Brushes
• Diaper Bag                                        Wipe Warmer
• Cloth Diapers                                   Swaddle Blankets
• Diaper Pail with Wet Liner               Mobile
• Laundry Basket                                 Baby Care Kit
• Video Monitor
• Cradle
• Cradle Mattress
• Blooming Flower Bath for Sink
• Stroller
• Bopy Pillow
• Books and a Few Toys

Other then getting the house ready, I am also trying to get our son ready for the fact that there really is a baby coming. I know he is beyond excited, but at the same time I don't think he realizes what a big change its going to be. I found out that the hospital we will be delivering at also provides sibling classes and even though I am not sure what they teach, I thought it would be a great opportunity for Tyson to feel more involved. I want him to feel that he is just as much apart of this process as possible. I have been talking a lot with him about how much time I will have to spend with the baby, but that I will always have special time to set aside with him. He surprised me a few weeks ago and asked if he would still be my little boy if I had a new baby. After composing myself I told him that he will always be extra special to me because he is the one that made me a Mommy, that before him I was just Ryann, but after he was born I became what I had always wanted most my entire life, a Mommy. Ever since then he has been rubbing my belly at night and saying goodnight to his sister, then he hugs me and tells me that he is glad he is extra special because he was first. I am trying to find a way to tell him that I will love both of my children the same, that I will not love one more than the other, but that yes, he is special. So far that is not as easy as I thought it would be. I am going to go to the library this week and try to find some books to help talk about a new baby coming into the family. Again, if you know of any, please leave a comment below.

As far as pregnancy symptoms now, I don't have much to complain about. I still get occasional morning sickness, but nothing that I can't handle. I am experiencing sever heartburn and acid reflux, but I am hoping the doctor can prescribe something that can help with that. For now I have been watching what I eat, putting more pillows under my head at night and keeping a supply of tums on hand at all times.

Along with the heartburn, I have acquired insomnia. I am up most of the hours of the night, now being 3:00AM, and falling asleep during the day. I am not sure if this is entirely pregnancy related or due to being sick and messing up my internal clock. Either way I know not sleeping is getting me ready to be up all night with a new baby and so I don't mind as much.

I am still leaking colostrum, but now it is in much higher amounts. I am almost to the point where I have to wear a breast pad all the time, day and night. I have had a few people tell me that I should be pumping instead of wasting good colostrum, but I know that nipple stimulation can cause early labor. So as uncomfortable as it may be, I am leaving well enough alone and stalking up in breast pads. This might be TMI, but its the truth.

On a very positive note, I have been experiencing a lot more movement and one of my families favorite evening pass times is to just sit and watch my belly rolling around. She is a very strong little girl and at times contorts my entire stomach into the strangest shapes. Tonight her back was pressed up against my side so much that my husband even got to feel her as she hiccuped. Normally he is able to watch my stomach bouncing with each hiccup, but this time he could even feel her. I can't begin to describe what it feels like when she moves, but I love that feeling so much. I am truly going to miss feeling her move inside my tummy after she is born.

As far as weight gain, so far I have not gained a pound since around 15 weeks. I did gain a lot in the beginning, but I think that was because we had just moved back from Korea and I was enjoying American food a little too much. Since then things have leveled off and I am trying to eat healthy. I did end up loosing almost 10lbs being sick, but my doctor said as long as the baby is still gaining weight, it would not be a problem. It amazes me how much the human body can protect itself, even feeding off another to get what it needs. No other time in life is having a parasite a good thing, but for now, I am happy with her taking all she needs.

From here on out I am going to do my best to make better weekly updates and list my symptoms as well as how thing are coming along with our home. Hopefully next post I will have lots of pictures for you of her nursery, my stomach and even our finished basement. Please continue to read and don't forget to subscribe for more updates.

Sick Sick Sick

The flu has hit our house and has hit it hard. I have been sick since right after Christmas and my family followed suit within days. With raging fevers, horrible coughing and feeling just overall pathetic, things around here have come to a standstill. My Christmas tree is still sitting in the living room, although I did find the energy on one day to at least undecorate it. Santa and his reindeer are still around every corner, the laundry is piled a mile high, dishes are still soaking in the sink, and the dust bunnies under the bed are ready to attack the minute we let our guard down. My son, who is thankfully feeling much better, has been given a free-for-all time limit with the ipad and my husband's honey do list has scattered in the wind. 

After almost two weeks of fighting off this crud, I am off to my primary care doctor tomorrow to find out if the flu has developed into pneumonia. Hopefully with a few antibiotics (ones that I will quadruple check to make sure of their safety while pregnant) will get me feeling like I am once again amongst the living before the end of the week. Although I don't know how I will be able to stand even one more day of this coughing because hey, why sugar coat it, couching while pregnant leaves nothing but piles of extra laundry because it just can't be done without peeing yourself! At least not by me! Thankfully on the one day my husband felt well enough to venture outside of our house, he purchased two very large boxes of pads to at least give me the fighting chance to stay in the same pair of pajamas for more then a few minutes.

At least I know that baby girl is still doing wonderfully! We had another appointment on the 3rd and my doctor was very happy with her progress. Her weight and everything are right on track, although my fluid is a little low due to my own dehydration. The numbers I gave her for my sugar have been more then spot on and I am really hoping that in a few days they can confirm that the glucose test I took was in fact wrong and I am NOT diabetic. I am not going to kid myself too much though, having been so sick, I have not taken my sugar regularly in weeks. It's not that I am purposely being lazy, it's just that there is nothing to check when I can't keep a meal down. I have lost over 6lbs so far, but as long as baby girl keeps growing, it isn't too much of an issue. 

So that's where things stand at the moment. With a house full of flu ridden (and quite pathetic in my opinion) individuals who are trying there best to get better so we can continue to get our home ready for this little girl. 

Bio Physical Profile

          We had our second BPP this past Thursday and so far everything looks perfect with baby girl! Because we had the BPP one day then the Diabetic Clinic the next, we decided to get a hotel and spend the night. The snow has come hard and furious in our area and we didn't want to chance driving on the bad roads two days in a row. Luckily the pool was a huge hit and my son was more then excited to be there with us. Normally he hates the drive down to where our doctor is located and I can not blame him. It is a very long and boring drive with nothing but trees to look at the entire way, however with the promise of swimming in December, he was very accommodating. 

       During our BPP our son had lots of questions for the ultrasound tech. I love our doctor's office and I love the ultrasound clinic just as much. The wonderful tech was so good about answering every question he had and even giving him a snack and a drink when he said his tummy hurt from being hungry. We were there for well over an hour as the tech took her time explaining to our son what she was looking for. After her amniotic fluid was measured, her practice breathing assessed and her growth measurements taken, the tech spent quite a bit of time just playing around with our baby girl. We were able to watch as she waved, smiled and even opened her eyes to look around. It was by far the most amazing ultrasound I have every experienced and would love to share some photos of that day with you. So here is our baby girl, who by the way still doesn't have a name. :) I hope this makes up for my lack of posts. 

Baby Girl's little hand. It was amazing watching her wave at us.

I am so in love with her chubby little cheeks!

And her beautiful little lips.

She looks so much like her big brother!!

Right now baby girl is measuring around 2lbs 15oz and hopefully she continues to grow bigger and stronger. I can not wait for her to be in my arms!!!

Glucose Tolerance Test

      I had my glucose tolerance test done on Wednesday, December 19th. This time around was a great deal more difficult then I remember it being with my son. This time I had fasted from 10pm on the 18th until noon on the 19th. Because I had gone so long with nothing in my stomach, the Glucola they gave me to drink did not want to say down. Also, with my son I had my choice of the lemon lime drink or the orange one. The first time around I chose the orange and it tasted a lot like an orange soda, minus the bubbles. I drank it down with no issues and before I knew it the test was over. This time however, they did not give me a choice. The lemon lime was the only flavor they offered and it was given to me lukewarm. Only a few sips in and I was gagging. Knowing that I only had 5 minuets to get it down or I would have to come back and do it all over again made me a bit nervous. I did not want to get sick so I asked for an alcohol swab. For some reason the smell keeps you from actually getting sick. It was a little trick I learned while laying on the table during my c-section for my son. Thankfully I was able to get the entire bottle down and despite it having been 7 minuets instead of 5, i was given the all clear. Now it was just a matter of keeping it down for the next hour until they could draw my blood. 

     I knew if I had to just sit and stair out the window in the waiting room, I would end up getting sick. I had to move around and be somewhere other than the hot confines of the hospital. Thankfully the nurse was very accommodating and allowed us to go for a ride until it was time to come back for our blood draw. My husband and I ended up driving around town with the windows down and just talking about the upcoming holiday. Thankfully the time went buy quickly and I was able to go in for the blood work. 

    Now to those of you with great veins that they are able to find every time with no issues, you I have a little sour spot in my soul for. I'm sorry, I try not to, but I do. Almost every needle stick I get is like a game of hide and seek. I try to hide under the table while the nurse tries to wiggle that darn little needle all through my arm trying to find the vein. Ah, please just take it out and try again, don't go searching for it! Anyway, after a few tires, they finally got the blood they needed. 

     Yah, time to celebrate one more test crossed off the list. Yahoo! Even better, this one was two in one! Glucose and platelet count for the Lovenox. Knowing that our blood work was done for at least a month or so, I was in the mood to celebrate. However the party was short lived. The next day my doctor's office called to let me know that I failed the tolerance test. I was told that I would have to go back in and drink two of those nasty drinks and have my blood drawn every hour for 4 hours! I explained to the doctor that I knew there was no way I would be able to do it. I felt so bad but I knew there would never be a way of me keeping two of those bottles down. I havent' been able to tolerate eating anything sweet during this pregnancy and the idea of two of those bottles made me want to cry. After some talking it over, the doctor decided to just send me over to the Diabetic and Endocrinologist Center. Yah more needles I get to stab myself with daily. 

   Thankfully I was told that they strongly believe that I will be able to control my gestational diabetes with diet and exercise. No insulin YAHOO! Now I started monitoring myself on the 19th and so far   my highest sugar level has been 114 and my lowest 70. Now I am not an expert on this by any means, but don't these numbers seem very un diabetic to you? So now I am hoping that a mistake was made and that after I return to the clinic on January 10th, they will tell me everything is perfect and I can stop testing my blood 4 times a day. Fingers crossed!

A week in the hospital

   This past week was spent with me in the hospital, admitted to the Labor and Delivery ward. My time spent there was long, boring, scary, sad, painful and bordering on terrifying. This past week reminded me that getting pregnant isn't always the hardest part when it comes to trying to bring a new life into this world. Getting pregnant, no matter how hard it might be, may just be the easiest part of the entire process. Sperm meets egg, egg fertilizes, fertilized egg implants and bam your pregnant. In hinds site, not that difficult of a process. Now, keeping that fertilized implanted egg safe for the next 40 to 41 weeks is another story. Things happen, as I have experienced first hand. Bad things CAN and DO happen during pregnancy. Not everything is written in black and white. Not every positive pregnancy test results in a healthy baby. No every pregnancy goes the same and not every day in a pregnancy is the same. Nothing is guaranteed. There are happy days, scary days, days filled with joy and days filled with sorrow.

     In April of 2005 I found out I was pregnant for the first time, then on January 18, 2006 I gave birth to the most precious baby boy imaginable and my heart felt a love that it had never before known. For six more years we tried for another baby, another precious miracle to love. Then on  December 5, 2011 my world was filled with Joy once again. We finally got a positive pregnancy test and things looked perfect!! Then on January 10, 2012 I said goodbye to a baby that I wold never hold in my arms, but instead forever hold in my heart. Finally, after nearly giving up in June 2012 I found out I was pregnant for the 3rd time. This time I was cautious and in disbelief, but after we approached the six month mark, I though we were in the clear. Then once again things changed and on November 13, 2012 I woke up sick and in a great deal of pain, on November 15,  I was admitted to the hospital, November 16,  I was told there was a possibility that I would be delivering a 24 week old baby in a matter of hours, November 17,  I was told they had no idea what was wrong, November 21,  I underwent surgery that brought about no new answers and finally on November 22,  I was sent home, still pregnant with medications and weeks of worry ahead.

    Let me start by going back to Tuesday, November 13th. I woke up tired and uncomfortable, but chalked it up to being in a car for almost 8 hours the day before. However as the day went on I began to feel more uncomfortable and really nauseated. Finally around supper time I was vomiting and experiencing a great deal of pain in my lower right side. I had my appendix out years earlier so there was no worries with that, but the pain was in the same area. Because the pain at that point was not constant, I thought that I might just be having really painful Braxton Hicks contractions. I tried to time the waves of pain but there was no pattern so I tried not to worry. Finally after a really uncomfortable evening, I took some Tylenol and went to bed. I was able to sleep most of the night so I figured that it was just a strange episode and would resolve on it's own. The next morning I didn't feel too bad, a little sore but nothing that I couldn't handle. I told my husband that I was going to take it easy for the day and hopefully be back on my feet the next morning. Most of the day I was fine, but by late afternoon the pain returned and this time it was worse then before. I spent the day trying ice, warm packs, Tylenol and even a warm bath to relieve the pain. Nothing was helping and the pain was starting to get overwhelming. Finally around 6pm I phoned the emergency on call doctor at my OBGYN's office. She told me that it was probably nothing and to try to rest and take it easy. She told me that if the Tylenol was not working that I could try to take a Vicodin, which she new I had from a previous surgery. She told me to watch for any signs of contractions and to rest as much as possible. After looking up online just to confirm that the Vicodin was safe, I took one and tried to go to bed. The pain did not subside and I could not lay still. I went out to the couch to talk to my husband and the pain became much more intense. I stood up to go back to bed and when I did, I noticed the couch had a wet spot on it. I knew that I had not peed so I panicked that my water had possibly broken. I immediately called the emergency doctor back and she asked me quite a few questions. After I had answered everything, she felt as though it was most likely not my water breaking but just a lot of discharge. She told me to try a second Vicodin when I was able to and to try to get some sleep. She also told to call my doctor first thing in the morning to let him know what was going on, but that everything would probably be better by morning. I took the second Vicodin and went to bed. I laid there for hours in pain before finally falling asleep around 6am. Because I was asleep and thinking that I was finally resting, my husband sent our son off to school then went out for the day. I stayed asleep until almost 11:00 when I woke up in pain once again. This time the pain was very specifically located to one spot in my right side and was unbearable. I was on the floor crying and was really worried that something more was going on. I though that it might be an ovarian cyst so I called my regular OBGYN right away. The nurse got on the phone, took my information and told me the doctor would call me back. In the meantime my husband came back to let me know that our son was spending the night at my parents house and he had gotten us tickets to see the new Twilight movie. I didn't want to spoil is surprise so I told him that if the doctor said everything was fine, we would go. It took hours for the doctor to finally call back. Turns out they had a major flood in their office and thing were a mess there. He told me that he wanted me to go to the hospital in Bangor and go into the Labor and Delivery unit. He would meet me there and run a few tests just to make sure everything was alright. My husband and I got in the car and left for the hour long drive to the hospital. During that time the pain got so bad I could not help but sit there and sob. By the time we arrived at the hospital I was in so much pain that I was once again vomiting. As soon as we got to the nurses station, they jumped into action. They had been waiting for us to arrive and already had a room for me. They brought me in, had me change into a gown and called the doctor to let him know I was there. They did some basic vital signs and got me ready to see the doctor. Instead of my doctor coming in, the midwife that works with him showed up. I had met her before and really liked her, so I was comfortable that it was her there instead of my regular doctor. She took one look at me crying in the bed and told me that I was there for the night. Before I knew it an IV was stared and medication was finally given to relieve the pain. She went over my entire history and possibilities of what could be going on. They ordered an ultrasound for first thing in the morning and worked on controlling my pain that night. Because my husband had to work early the next morning, he didn't stay with me. I was so medicated that him being there wouldn't have done much more then causing him not getting a good nights sleep. So he called my family, said goodbye and headed home. Because of the medication given, I was finally able to get a little bit of rest. That is after loads of blood work and other hands on tests. The next morning the doctor came in to see me and after a quick physical he told me that he suspected anything from a twisted ovary to the possibility of my placenta detaching. Because of my history with a questionable placenta, he immediately ordered steroid shots to be given to try and help develop our daughters lungs so that she may have a chance of serving birth if she were to be delivered in a matter of hours. As soon as I heard those words I started to panic. I was 24 weeks that day and I knew it was way too early for her to be born. I was alone with no family and I was scared. I had no chance of hiding the tears that began to flow down my cheeks and I sat there, fearing the worst. Before I even had a chance to really grasp what was going on, a nurse came in with the first injection of steroid. It was real, this was happening and I was terrified. Thankfully just as that was happening my husband walked into the room. I can not begin to tell you how bad his timing usually is, but this time, it was perfect. He came right over to me and held me and asked what was going on. After explaining everything, I was taken away to ultrasound. That first test showed what my doctor believed to be a twisted ovary, but a normal healthy placenta! Ok so the scariest possibility was negative, Thank GOD!!! However a twisted ovary can still be a big problem. After checking my kidneys, gallbladder, liver, bowel and everything else in that area, I was sent back up to my room. The doctor reviewed that ultrasound and still questioning what he saw, so he ordered a second. This time the ultrasound tech came to me and they did everything right in my room. Knowing how scared I was, she made sure to let me see that our daughter was doing well and everything with her looked perfect with her. It was such a huge weight off my shoulders to know that she was not in immediate danger! So the second ultrasound was reviewed by my doctor and the specialist working on my case in Portland. My doctor said my ovary looked normal but the specialist believed it was twisted, so yet another ultrasound was ordered. This time I went to the big bad machine as they called it. They kept me in bed and wheeled me down to the Maternal Fetal Medicine department for a high tech ultrasound. This third ultrasound for the day showed a normal ovary and normal everything for that matter. Nothing could be seen that would be causing me so much pain. However even with the pain medication being given, the pressure of the ultrasound was too much and the pain was beyond control. I cried throughout most of the scan and despite another look at our precious little girl, I was miserable. After being wheeled back up to my room, my doctor came in to talk to my husband and I. Nothing could be seen on ultrasound but I had every symptom of my ovary twisting on itself. Because of the amount of pain I was still in, he decided I that he wanted me to stay the weekend to be monitored and so my pain could be controlled. He also wanted to make sure that my ovary wouldn't suddenly twist over the weekend and not be near the hospital if I were sent home. Fearing that something could still happen to our baby, I agreed to stay where I was. It was so hard being away from our son, but I knew I was where I needed to be in case something should happen. I stayed for the weekend with no real changes. I was given medication around the clock and still I was in pain. Finally on Monday the doctor returned and told me that I would be going in for an MRI later that day. Later that day turned into later that night and nothing happening at all. It wasn't until about 6:00pm that the nurse came in and told me that the ultrasound tech didn't want to do the MRI and my doctor was fighting with him to get it done. Because of the conflict, nothing would be done that day.

    Tuesday, still no MRI and this time the doctor decided that he wanted to just go in to do an exploratory surgery to get to the bottom of things. Because I am on Lovenox, a blood thinner, I had to wait until the following day for surgery to reverse the affects and avoid a bleeding episode. So all of Tuesday I worried about surgery. Because my husband had gone home Monday night and was sick most of the night, I was alone from Monday night until Wednesday afternoon. Tuesday was filled with another ultrasound, my first Bio Physical Profile, to check on our baby's development, size, fluid level and practice breathing ability. This had been scheduled for almost a month prior so they decided to just keep the appointment. I was told that practice breathing doesn't normally start until around the 28th week, but there she was, breathing away. I am sure it had something to do with the two steroid injections she had been given earlier in the week to help develop her lungs for the possibility of delivery, but it was still exciting to see. Everything looked perfect  and I was sent back upstairs for blood work and rest.

      Finally on Wednesday, bright and early at 5:45am the nurse woke me up to prep me for surgery. I was scared and once again couldn't hide the tears that began to trickle down my cheeks. I hated that I was alone, but I wanted to make sure my husband was healthy before he came around me and the new babies that I shared the floor with. At 6am a man stood at my door with a stretcher to take me to surgery. I climbed onto the stretcher and tried to compose myself on my way downstairs to the OR. I did really well until the nurse in the pre-op room told me not to worry, that it was a simple surgery. Yah, the last time I had a "simple" surgery, it turned into EIGHT! Again I started to cry and she did her best to console me. Before I went into surgery, the doctor wanted our babies heart rate monitored so they called back up the the 7th floor for someone to come down. My favorite nurse that had been taking care of me jumped at the call and even left her patient in labor to be with me. Despite my fear of hospitals and wishing I didn't have to be there, I  can honestly say that the nursing staff there made me feel so much better. They were kind, caring and just amazing people. I hope I can find a way to show them how much I appreciate everything they did for me while I was there.

     

     Anyway, she came right down and picked up my babies heartbeat right away. As we were listening to the thumping of her heart, one of the OR nurses came in to talk to me. She kept saying things like "well if something happens nothing will be done to save your baby, she is too little and not viable." Or she would say to someone else in the room "we don't need those medications, nothing is going to be done, the baby isn't viable anyway." At first I wanted to cry because my worst fear was  facing me. The idea of going into surgery and having something happen and the doctors NOT working to save my baby. I wanted to get up and run, but something took over and I looked her straight in the face and told her "Look, babies are viable at 22 weeks, my Daughter is already beyond 24 weeks, almost 25 weeks and she is completely viable and everything WILL be done to save her if the need be"! The other nurse in the room agreed that everything would be done to help her if the need arose and my doctor also confirmed that every measure would be taken because she was at the point where she could survive outside of the womb. I will be making a complaint to everyone that will listen about the nurse who I had "differences" with. Nothing should be said like that in front of a mother, I don't care how far along they are. It was uncalled for and it only made the situation a lot more stressful and scary for me.

      

    Thankfully it wasn't too much longer before it was time to bring me back into the operating room. Knowing that the nurse from the labor and delivery unit would be there when I woke up, I asked her to make sure that the first thing I heard when I woke up was my baby's heart beating. She promised she would do everything she could to make sure that was the first sounds I heard and with that I walked away into the OR.

    

     This was not my first surgery, but this was the fist time I had such a bad experience being put under sedation. As soon as they stared giving me the medication to put me under, the IV site in my hand failed. The medication started going everywhere and the nurse told them to stop. She apologised and said that they were unable to wait until I was asleep to start a new IV and would have to do it now. What she didn't realize was that some of the medication had made it's way in and I was only half awake. I was awake just enough to move, but I was unable to talk. I was also unable to breath! The medication had already begun suppressing my respiratory system and I felt like I was being smothed. I was only like this for about 30 seconds before the doctor who was in the room finally noticed and shouted for them to help me. That 30 seconds seemed like so much longer and the panic was not relieved right away. The nurse grabbed the plastic mask and told me to just try and breath, but there was nothing coming out of it. No air, no medication, nothing. I was crying and screaming in my head for someone to just put me out, fearing that I was going to be awake when they put the breathing tube in! Finally I started to slip into nothingness and before I knew it, everything was over. 

    Waking up was painful and scary. I only remember crying in pain and begging to hear my little girl's heartbeat. When I finally was able to calm down, I could hear her the little thump thump thump of her heart in the background. My wonderful nurse was by my side and doing everything she could to distract me from the pain and have me focus on the amazing sound of her healthy heartbeat. When I finally did calm down, the doctor told me that they did not find anything that would explain the pain that I was in. I was frustrated and upset that I still had no answers, but at the same time I was overcome with pure bliss knowing that my little girl was safe and healthy. 

    After a great deal of trial and error with the pain medication, I was finally released from recovery and wheeled back upstairs. Because the surgery had "woken up" my uterus, I was put on Magnesium Sulfate for 24 hours. Wow that stuff is no picnic! My arm burned constantly from the Magnesium and weekend all of my muscles. I was unable to walk to the bathroom and had to be forced to use the commode next to my bed. I guess it was better then the bed pan, but I just don't do well using the restroom with people watching! Oh well, when your pregnant you mine as well through modesty out the window. After I finished, I was happy that the nurse was there, because she noticed that I had begun to bleed. Just when I though everything was alright and I could relax, now I am bleeding again! My Mother and son were in the room so I had to hold it together so they wouldn't get scared. Thankfully my little man is a good distraction for any bad situation and before too long, the doctor came in to take a look. It was then that I found out that I had been given a catheter and that is where the bleeding was from. Ok easy enough! It was then that I was also told that during the surgery, the doctor found a very large collection of blood vessels on the side of my uterus. To make sure that I wasn't developing a clot in one of them, I would be sent down to the MRI. Yah, this day just got better and better. At least the Magnesium was shut off for during the test and my poor arm got a rest from the burning. The MRI went really well and after everything I had been through, I was just exhausted and somehow managed to fall asleep during the test. I'm not sure if you have had an MRI before, but they are LOUD, but I guess my exhaustion was louder. After the test was over they showed me a photo of my baby girl. I looked and made the comment that she was so cute sucking her thumb, then the doctor explained that it wasn't her thumb, but instead her toe! Silly little girl. 

    Thankfully the MRI came out normal and I was able to spend my last 24 hours in the hospital resting as much as possible. The Magnesium weekend my muscles so much that I cold barely move around, even to the commode right next to the bed without help. Thankfully I did not get any of the other side effects that can be associated with the medication and after my 24 hours were up, I was finally sent home. I was so happy to walk through the door and finally lay down in my own bed! My son stayed with my parents for one more night and my husband went out Black Friday shopping. At first I was sad not to have him with me, but after finally being able to get some real sleep, I was thankful. 

    So I still have no answers as to what caused the pain and the pain is still there. Most days it is very mild and I do not need any medication, but other days it is so bad I am stuck in bed without the strength of desire to do anything. Because of this, this post is coming VERY late. But it is finally done and I will once again do my best to play catch up for everyone. Please don't give up on me just yet. :)