March 1, 2013 was a day that I for a long time, didn't believe would ever come. Many years ago after countless negative pregnancy tests, I started giving up hope that we would have any more children. Month after month, year after year I had to deal with the crushing blow of realizing that yet another cycle would pass without those two precious lines on a plastic stick that I prayed so hard for. In those years I watched friends and family announce their pregnancies, watched them give birth and even saw their precious children growing up before my eyes and yet our turn didn't come. Even my son would ask why his Auntie could have her 4th, 5th, 6th and even 7th child and yet he had no brothers or sisters. Wanting a child for myself is one thing, but having my son begging to be a big brother was an entire new kind of pain. Saying that I longed for those moments to be mine, to be ours, would be such a vast understatement. There were moments in those years that I would find my faith again and convince myself to only think positive thoughts and inevitably I would find myself wondering around the baby isles, imagining myself with a round belly picking out everything that we would need for our precious new son or daughter and even once and a while I would buy an outfit here or there or a stuffed animal that I knew would bring years of joy to someone who lived only in my dreams.
Six years is an incredibly long time to long for a child that you believe is missing from your family. Seventy two months of negative results would take their toll on anyone and yet I somehow knew that I could never give up. It's so hard to explain the feeling that I held within my heart, this feeling that someone who belonged with us, that I already loved and yet never met was missing from our family. My arms always felt a little empty despite having a beautiful son that always filled them. I love my son more than anything and I never for one moment have forgotten the amazing gift I had and still have in him. He will always be my first miracle, my first honest and deepest love, but I could not shake the feeling that I had more love to give. That we were not yet complete as a family. The best way to describe it is when you loose a family member, your heart always longs for them. You knew they were a huge part of your life and without them here in the physical world with you, there's now an empty space in your life and heart for them. This is how I felt, like there was an empty space waiting to be filled. Like someone was calling out to me, trying to get to me but couldn't find their way. Until now.
March 1, 2013 is the day that my heart finally became whole. At 9:49am our Daughter finally took her first breath. The feeling that engulfed me at the moment is one that I will not even try to describe for there are no words. As I laid on that cold operating table and finally heard those first precious cries, my world became what I had always prayed for. I closed my eyes and just thanked God with all the honesty and love my heart could give to him. Now, even as I type this, looking at my baby girl laying in her cradle asleep next to me, my heart thanks him. There are moments that I can not hide the tears, but this time they are tears of pure joy and love. It's only been 16 days since she came into my arms and yet it feels as though she has always been there. The first time I held both my son and my daughter is the first moment in my entire life that I have ever felt truly whole. Like I finally found where I belong on this vast spinning rock in space. I am complete and I am in love. I'm not saying that I would not love to have more children in the future, but right now I no longer have that empty feeling and I want to grasp onto it for as long as it lasts. So here are a few more pictures of our precious tiny miracle for you to enjoy. There are many more posts to come but for now I just want to thank God for her and thank everyone who followed in our story and what it took to get her here.
|Coming home from the hospital. She was so tiny that she wore a preemie outfit home.|
|Her first week home|
|She is beautiful, she is amazing and she is loved!|