Tuesday I went in for my blood test to find out if I am really pregnant. I say really pregnant because the day before I finally broke down and took a home pregnancy test. I know they say not to because it only adds to the stress, but I couldn't help it. I had to know so that I could prepare myself for what ever answer the doctor might call with.
I took the test first thing on Monday morning and it came back positive!!! I just sat on the edge of my bed staring at the second pink like. It was not as dark as the first, but it was there and I was overjoyed. I couldn't believe after everything that we had been through that it worked. That despite the days on end of vomiting, fevers and having to have almost two liters of fluid removed from my body, at least one of those tiny embryos hung on
|Taken May 29, 2012 6:50am|
I could not wait to tell Jeff the great news, but unfortunately I had to teach a class first. Thankfully their project was already prepared and the class time flew by. As soon as it was over I walked right down to Jeff's class to tell him the great news. He had to step out of the room for a moment so while he was away, I typed a letter on the computer saying that we were pregnant. When he came back and saw what was on his monitor he was thrilled. It was hard to have a little celebration quietly while the students were walking around the room, but we did.
So the next day when I had to go in for blood work I knew what the call later that day would be. "Congratulations, your pregnant." Having to wait for that call was torture. I don't know why but I was more nervous about that phone call than I expected. Finally around 2:30 just as school got out and just as Jeff and Tyson were getting home, my phone rang. I went into my son's room to answer it and she said those words, "NOT pregnant, sorry." Waite, what!?! Not pregnant! I made her repeat it at least three times before the words would even begun to sink in. Not pregnant, false positive, not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant.
I immediately when into see Jeff who had a huge smile on his face and burst into tears. I had to tell him that the test had been wrong and that we are not pregnant. Our two tiny miracles didn't stay with us and our fight was over. My son saw that I was crying and asked what was wrong. I had to explain to him that the picture of the two babies that I had shown him were not going to be babies. He was sad and asked if they died like our other baby. I explained to him that they never grabbed on like we had talked about and that our trying to conceive journey was over. He then looked up at me and said "It's ok Mommy, you still have me and I'm not going to go anywhere. I know your sad about the babies dying, but it would be more sad if I did and I didn't. I am sad I wanted to be a big brother, but I am still here." That brought on it's own flood of tears and I told him that I am so blessed to have him and that I love him more than anything on earth. Later I told him that maybe Mommy didn't have another baby because I already have one perfect little boy. I want him to know that I don't need more children, that he is enough for me and that I am happy with him, beyond happy.
At the same time I am very sad. I have let myself cry and cry some more. I don't want to play the "everything happens for a reason" card, I just want to be sad. I want to cry and not feel bad about crying. I don't feel like talking to anyone, I just want to be sad.
I don't know where our journey will go from here. We are suppose to leave the country on June 9th, leaving our 12 embryos behind until we can find a safe way to get them home. 12 embryos, 12 more possibilities that may never be all because of a school that has made us feel so unwelcome. My heart is broken and I feel defeated.
Our friend is going to call out doctor to find out exactly when we would be able to try again, just to see if there would be some sort of possibility of us changing our plane tickets to stay and try one more time. For now though, I am feeling very hopeless and sad. I don't know when I will post again as I don't know what I have to write about anymore, but I will be following every one's stories and praying so hard that you all get positive results. I don't wish this feeling on anyone.