This post is a really hard one for me. Not because anything is wrong with this pregnancy, I don't want to scare anyone. So far everything is going great. The reason why I am having such a hard time is because I not only hit a huge and painful mild stone, but I have now surpassed it. Last Wednesday I reached the 8 week and 5 days mark. The last time I was 8 weeks and 5 days I was going in with my family to see our precious little miracle only to see a tiny sleeping baby on the screen. 8 weeks and 5 days I was told that the baby we had tried so hard for, prayed nonstop for and wanted more than words can say had died. There was no warning that something was wrong. No signs that I would never hold this tiny baby in my arms. It was one of the hardest days of my life, surpassed only by our 8 weeks and 6 day mark when we had to forever say goodbye to our baby. The day that I had to let the doctors remove a piece of me. To forever remove a piece of my heart and soul. To leave me empty, confused, in pain and heartbroken. It is a day that I will never forget. It was the last day until I go to Heaven that I was able to see the image of our tiny baby.
To reach that same date was almost unbearable. To realize that I was the only person to realize what day it was, well that was such an empty, lonely feeling. I spent the entire day reliving moments of that day in my head. Words spoken to me, images that I can never get back, pain that I pray I never have to feel again. It was a day that I curled up and let myself cry, to morn the loss of someone that I love so much but will never have the chance to meet on this earth.
I have now surpassed that mark and am now at 9 weeks 6 days and while I am so grateful to be at this point, I am also more scared now than ever. I am so scared to be in the same position that I was only a few months ago. I am scared that once I finally go to the doctor, my world will come crashing down around me once more. I am scared this time that I will not be able to put myself back together and that I will forever give up the dream of having another child in my arms. I am scared.
However my insurance is finally in place and tomorrow I have to find a doctor that will accept me as a new patient. Tomorrow I will have a date set to finally see someone and to finally know how things with this pregnancy are really going. I know I can no longer go on just believing that everything is alright and that no news is good news. I know that it is time, but it doesn't make it any easier.
Making things worse is that August 15th is less than a week away. August 15th, the day that we should have been welcoming our baby into our arms. Now it is another really hard milestone celebrated only with tears and longing for something that will never be. That day I will watch one of my friends hold her new daughter in her arms. That day I will see first hand what I no longer have. That day my heart will break a little more and my soul will ache a little harder. It's a day that I am going to need lots of prayers to get through. A day that I will forever look on with sadness.
I am sorry I do not have many uplifting happy stories to share from this past week, but it has been a really hard one. Things so far are still going really well. I am getting sick more often, but that is my fault for not eating. As soon as my stomach is empty, it is unhappy. The pain that I was experiencing is completely gone and other than feeling really tired still, I have nothing to complain about. I know finally seeing a doctor will be a really good thing and hopefully put my mind to ease, but until this child is safely in my arms, I don't think I will be able to ever relax during this pregnancy.
No comments:
Post a Comment