Friday, August 31, 2012

Our First Doctor's Appointment

Yesterday was our first doctor's appointment to check on our tiny miracle. As soon as I woke up in the morning my stomach decided to mutiny against me, leaving me shaking with nerves and running to the bathroom. I'm sure if I had been able to get any sleep the night before things wouldn't have been quite so bad, but that didn't happen. I was either up having to use the bathroom or awakened by horrible dreams. I know strange dreams almost always accompany pregnancy, but so far I have mostly been experiencing unimaginable nightmares. Hopefully now that we got some positive news, these will finally go away. 

Before I knew it, it was time to hit the road and as we were driving the hour south to our appointment, my nerves once again got the better of me and we ended up having to pull over on the side of the road. Finally a public place to get sick, I was almost starting to believe that I might get away with that this time around. Oh well, I am sorry to any persons that were driving by and had to witness my gastrointestinal pyrotechnic display.

We finally arrived at our doctor's office a little past 9am and after filling out more paperwork, leaving a urine sample and getting sick once more, it was time to sit and wait to be called into the back. After what seemed like forever a nurse came out to get us. Right from the start I knew I was going to really like her and after a quick weight check we went into the room with the ultrasound machine. I was so scared just seeing it standing there, looming over us like a fortune teller. Was it going to predict good news or once again bring our world crashing down? Before that though, we had to go over our past few years of history and answer lots of questions. The nurse was so understanding and comforting. She never once made us feel like we were being rushed or that she didn't want to listen to us. She talked with us for almost 20 minutes before finally asking me to change into the gown so we could wait for the doctor. Finally a real GOWN!!! Not one of those skirts hanging on the wall forcing me to question how many other women had worn it before me. Nope, finally a real gown that even still smelled of disinfectant. It was a beautiful thing! 

When the doctor came into the room she immediately told us how sorry she was to hear that we had recently lost a baby and that she would allow us to take as many photos as we wanted of this baby once we knew everything was perfect. She also asked us a bunch of questions before giving me a short physical exam. As soon as she started feeling around on my stomach she said that it definitely felt enlarged and felt to her as though I was about 12 weeks along. Perfect, right where it should be. Just hearing that made me shed a tear or two, but I was mostly able to keep my cool. Then it was time to start the ultrasound. Because she did not know how far along I was, she decided to start with the internal ultrasound. Not the most comfortable thing in the world, but in no time there was a picture of a tiny baby up on the screen. At first Jeff and I did not see any movement at all and the doctor was trying to move things around to see what she needed. We both started to get very scared and I could see the color draining out of Jeff's face. Finally without her even saying anything I saw this little fluttering on the monitor. Barely able to get the words out I asked if that was the heartbeat that I was seeing. "Yes and it is very strong". Yes, she said Yes. Our baby has a heartbeat. A heartbeat that I am now watching, fluttering away. I couldn't begin to hold the tears or the sobs back and it all came out. Our baby is alive, strong and doing great. THANKS BE TO GOD!!!!! 
I looked over at Jeff who was still having a hard time seeing it, but he held my hand and I knew everything was in that moment, perfect. We were only moments into the ultrasound when our doctor got a call that a women was in labor upstairs in the hospital and the baby's hear rate and stats were dropping fast. I started praying for the mother as she told us to just sit and relax until another doctor could come in and take over for her. As soon as she left the room, I started crying even harder. All my fears were finally at ease, our baby is alive. Jeff just held me until I could finally calm myself down. We had about 10 minutes to our self before the next doctor came in to see us. He too was just as wonderful and I could never say enough good things about him. He asked us his own questions then started the ultrasound again. He said we were between 12 and 13 weeks and wanted us to go in for a stronger ultrasound to measure the skin fold on the back of the baby's neck. This test can really only be done in the 12th week of pregnancy so if we didn't do it today, we would loose the window of opportunity. When Jeff asked why we needed a new machine, he explained it as the one we were using was good, like a Kia, good car but the Lexus down the hall was better. Haha finally something Jeff could understand. He printed out our first baby picture and scheduled us for later in the day for the stronger ultrasound. Before we left he spent another 35 minutes talking with us about our concerns, the possibilities of a VBAC verses repeat C-section, and a multitude of issues. One being my overly active stomach. He gave me a prescription for medication but told me that the best thing to use was Vitamin B6 along with Unisom. He said there use to be a pill that could be prescribed with the combination of the two, but it was later taken off the market. I do have to say that I tried it for the first time last night and I had NO issues with nausea or vomiting all day!!! I felt tired but great!!!

Anyway we returned at 1:30 after a nice lunch for our second ultrasound of the day. This machine was a lot bigger and the picture was so much clearer. Instantly we could see our tiny baby happily bouncing around, kicking and waving his/her arms. It was an amazing sight that brought a few more tears to my eyes. We were able to watch the heart beating at 165 BPM, watch as the little legs and arms stretched as far as they could reach and even watch as he or she was rubbing their tiny nose. I watched in amazement for the longest time as the ultrasound tech tried to get the measurements she needed. Fortunately for us, our little jitter bug was not going to sit still long enough for her to do much of anything, forcing the ultrasound to take almost 45 minutes. 

So I am thrilled and so blessed to report that our little baby is doing wonderful. Growing strong in our love and with the grace of God, should be joining our family around March 8th. I will post pictures soon but tomorrow is when we are finally going to be telling our son and family about our little miracle and I want to make sure they are the first to see them. I am beyond excited and I know our son is going to be thrilled. I will try to post the video of us telling him, but videos don't always work for me on here. Until then, thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, they worked!!!

And before I forget, the baby that our first doctor had to rush away to deliver was perfectly healthy, another gift from God.

Friday, August 24, 2012

12 WEEKS Pregnant!!!!

I have made it to 12 weeks!! That means that I am officially into my second trimester! I know I have missed a few weeks posts, but I have been really busy. We are in the middle of a huge remodel on our house.
 Things are still going really good and I finally have my first appointment next Wednesday!! I am both excited and really nervous. So much so that I even went so far as to order a fetal heart doppler to put myself at ease. Hopefully that will arrive on Monday and I can start to listen to our tiny bump's little heart beat.
 I am really excited knowing that as soon as we go to the doctor and know for sure everything is alright, next weekend we might be announcing our wonderful news to our family! I have hated keeping this from them, but I really wanted to make sure everything was going well before we said anything. 

So far my symptoms are about the same. Still getting sick if I go too long without eating something and still tired. Well beyond tired. I am so physically exhausted it is sometimes hard for me to even get out of bed. I think I am starting to get anemic again so I have been really trying to eat a lot of high iron foods the last few days. It seems to be making things better, but hopefully my doctor can prescribe a good iron pill for me. 

Other than that, things are going well. We are working hard at finishing up the remodel on our house so we can get everything back together before our son starts 1st grade! I still can not believe my baby is going to be in the 1st grade. Where did the time go? 

Anyway, that is my update for now. Hopefully I will soon have pictures of our healthy happy little bundle of joy!! (Fingers crossed and praying hard)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

9 weeks 6 days pregnant

This post is a really hard one for me. Not because anything is wrong with this pregnancy, I don't want to scare anyone. So far everything is going great. The reason why I am having such a hard time is because I not only hit a huge and painful mild stone, but I have now surpassed it. Last Wednesday I reached the 8 week and 5 days mark. The last time I was 8 weeks and 5 days I  was going in with my family to see our precious little miracle only to see a tiny sleeping baby on the screen. 8 weeks and 5 days I was told that the baby we had tried so hard for, prayed nonstop for and wanted more than words can say had died. There was no warning that something was wrong. No signs that I would never hold this tiny baby in my arms. It was one of the hardest days of my life, surpassed only by our 8 weeks and 6 day mark when we had to forever say goodbye to our baby. The day that I had to let the doctors remove a piece of me. To forever remove a piece of my heart and soul. To leave me empty, confused, in pain and heartbroken. It is a day that I will never forget. It was the last day until I go to Heaven that I was able to see the image of our tiny baby. 

To reach that same date was almost unbearable. To realize that I was the only person to realize what day it was, well that was such an empty, lonely feeling. I spent the entire day reliving moments of that day in my head. Words spoken to me, images that I can never get back, pain that I pray I never have to feel again. It was a day that I curled up and let myself cry, to morn the loss of someone that I love so much but will never have the chance to meet on this earth. 

I have now surpassed that mark and am now at 9 weeks 6 days and while I am so grateful to be at this point, I am also more scared now than ever. I am so scared to be in the same position that I was only a few months ago. I am scared that once I finally go to the doctor, my world will come crashing down around me once more. I am scared this time that I will not be able to put myself back together and that I will forever give up the dream of having another child in my arms. I am scared

However my insurance is finally in place and tomorrow I have to find a doctor that will accept me as a new patient. Tomorrow I will have a date set to finally see someone and to finally know how things with this pregnancy are really going. I know I can no longer go on just believing that everything is alright and that no news is good news. I know that it is time, but it doesn't make it any easier. 

Making things worse is that August 15th is less than a week away. August 15th, the day that we should have been welcoming our baby into our arms. Now it is another really hard milestone celebrated only with tears and longing for something that will never be. That day I will watch one of my friends hold her new daughter in her arms. That day I will see first hand what I no longer have. That day my heart will break a little more and my soul will ache a little harder. It's a day that I am going to need lots of prayers to get through. A day that I will forever look on with sadness.

I am sorry I do not have many uplifting happy stories to share from this past week, but it has been a really hard one. Things so far are still going really well. I am getting sick more often, but that is my fault for not eating. As soon as my stomach is empty, it is unhappy. The pain that I was experiencing is completely gone and other than feeling really tired still, I have nothing to complain about. I know finally seeing a doctor will be a really good thing and hopefully put my mind to ease, but until this child is safely in my arms, I don't think I will be able to ever relax during this pregnancy.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

8 week update

Today I am technically 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant, but I am going to jump back a week since I missed my 8th week update.

My 8th week started with our family taking a short vacation to Santa's Village in New Hampshire. We had taken our son there when he was about 4, but he really didn't remember too much of it. I was nervous that I would end up getting sick in front of my parents who went with us, but luckily that didn't happen. In fact I only got sick once on our third day there because I took a nap and missed lunch. Normally I am quite loud when I get sick, so trying to be as quiet as possible was not an easy task. After practically running over my husband to get to the bathroom, he knew that I was going to be sick and did a wonderful job distracting our son so he had no idea what was going on.

Thankfully the past week brought about no new symptoms. The pain that I was experiencing disappeared and I started to have a little more energy throughout the day. Other than getting sick that one time, I felt really good. Hopefully this will continue.