This Thursday I finally go back to the doctor to start on the next round of medication that will enable us prepare for egg retrieval, fertilization and ultimately (with the help of God) a healthy pregnancy. I imagined that once I got to this point I would be elated, but instead my heart is grasping for every last string of hope and happiness. I am still painfully grieving the loss of our beautiful baby while learning that people I dearly love are slowly slipping away from me. As soon as I reach a point where I feel like I can finally start to focus on myself and heal, another devastating blow is given. My heart is so broken from having to say goodbye to people I love. To know that I am so very far away while there still here. While there holding on for one last visit, one last chance make a memory, one last chance to say everything in one short moment that should otherwise take a lifetime.
My biggest fear in going abroad was that someone I love would be in a situation where they would no longer be there when I got back. It was a fear that almost kept me grounded to where I was. My Grandparents who mean the world to me told me that they would understand if I couldn't be there. Even joked about having to miss out on all the boring "dead people" stuff. Both on their 90's it was always a possibility, but one that I prayed would not come true. Never did I imagine that I would not only be facing the real possibility of loosing my Grandmother before I am able to get home, but my Mother In Law as well. Not to mention having just touched down back in Korea only to learn a few hours later that my Father In Law had passed away. They say they understand but how do you really forgive someone for not being there. For someone missing out on two years of their lives together. For keeping a Grandson and a Great Grandson away. How to you say I'm sorry for not being there over the phone. How do you say Goodbye to someone you love over Skype?
I know that I desperately need to find peace with myself and with what is happening to those I love. I know that if I am this stress and this emotional that the IVF will not work, but how can that be the focus of my life right now. The idea of bringing another child into a world where some of the most amazing people I have ever been given the privilege to know and to love will not be there is tearing me apart. How do I raise my child to know some of the most amazing people to have blessed this Earth without ever getting to meet them?
The only thing that is truly keeping me going is the power of prayer and the cling to faith that they will still be there when I get back. That cancer will disappear instead of the host, that strength and health can be found even in the latest of years and that miracles will happen. That maybe they can hold on long enough to hold our precious baby that I know they so desperately want to meet as much as we do.
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| Please pray for my Grandmother to stay strong. |
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| And for my Mother In Law who is fighting Cancer and to my Father In Law who is already in Heaven holding our little one for us until we get there. |
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| And to our beautiful baby, I miss you always. You have some amazing people ready to hold you and take care of you, but like with you, I'm not ready to let go yet. |
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