Today I got a call from the doctor who ordered the last beta test and suggested that I have it redrawn as soon as possible. Thankfully after a few quick phone calls, I was able to get an order for blood work sent up the the local hospital. After only an hour I called to get the results. At 17 days post ovulation and 12 days post transfer, my beta was 183.5. I am still not sure if this is a strong enough number, but I am very hopeful.
While my numbers are rising and I know that I am pregnant, I am having a surprisingly hard time bonding to this pregnancy. The last time that I found out that I was pregnant, back in December, I started talking to our precious little baby, well to be honest, even before I got the positive result. I had to make a mental note NOT to continuously hold my stomach and yet this time I am almost against all things baby. Yes I know very well how horrid this sounds, but I just can not force myself to feel something that I don't. I know it's not because I don't love this baby, because I do. From the moment I saw the photo of our little embryos, I loved each of them. It's not because I am not excited about being pregnant because this is something we have wanted for SO long.
I know that if I asked any doctor or shrink, they would tell me that I am feeling this way because I am scared to get too emotionally connected then have something bad happen again. I know this is true because I am still morning our last baby. I still countdown the days to our would have been due date. Still hold the small stuffed animal I bought when I found out. I still hold onto that first photo like it holds all the possibilities in the world.
I am scared. I am so very scared that I am going to pour my heart and soul into this tiny being trying to make it's way into my heart, only to have to say goodbye. I am so scared of going through those emotions again. Of having to walk into the office thinking everything is more perfect than I could imagine, only to have my world come crashing down again. I just can't go through that again, I'm not strong enough.
"So why did you do another transfer so quickly then!" I can hear this almost being shouted at me, mostly because I shout it at myself. It's not that I don't want to be pregnant, there is nothing that I could want more. Other than keeping my family and my son safe and healthy!! I want to have this baby. I want to make my son a big brother. I want to bring the member of our family that seems to be missing into my arms. I just want to hear that precious heartbeat. I want to see our tiny baby bouncing around healthy and happy. I want to hear a doctor tell me that everything looks great and that nothing should happen. I know that the last one is not possible, I know something can happen anytime during pregnancy, but I just wish I had a way to know for sure that this baby is going to stay........
I am so sorry to anyone that I may have upset with this post. I know there are hundreds of women waiting and pleading to hear a positive result and hear I am not appreciating it. I just pray that you know that is not the case at all. I want this!!!! I would do anything to protect this child and insure that I will always have this child in my heart and arms. I know the pain of getting a negative. 5 years worth of tests with one line, tests that say "NO", tests that never turn pink and doctors that call and say "I'm sorry." I know that pain and I wish no one ever had to go through that. But I also know the pain of having to hear "I'm sorry but your baby has died." That I NEVER wish on ANYONE, but I have lived it, and it has effected me and now I am scared.
Oh Ryann please don't beat yourself over this. Anyone who gives you grief or trouble for how you are feeling has no part in being apart of your life. This has been an emotional journey and I would def. feel the exact way you would be feeling. You are only having natural feelings. I can't imagine what you are feeling. I don't know anything about beta numbers but I will be praying for you. Everything will be okay. I hope you get some time to yourself and just relax and rest. Thinking of you <3
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