Repeat C-Section or VBAC?

I never imagined that making the decision on how we would bring our next child into the world would be such an enormous struggle. From the moment I gave birth to my son I knew that I wanted to try again at having a vaginal birth, but after my doctor came into my room and told me that he would never allow me to go through another labor, I figured that the decision had been made for me. 

Fast forward almost 7 years and the decision is no longer that simple. I don't want someone making the choice for me, my body or my child. 

When I gave birth to my son I completely trusted in the doctors and the hospital to make the best decisions for me and my unborn son. I believed they had my best interests in mind and would be there to support my birth plan. Now I feel as though I was given unreasonable expectations that required me to labor, progress and deliver under their time frame. I never felt that my child or my life was at risk or that I could not handle the stresses of labor and yet I was told that after 15 hours, my time have been reached and that a c-section was my only option. I was scared, confused and felt so defeated. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I could not give birth to my son the way I was meant to. I was told that he was under stress and that I had no time to even talk over my options with my husband. 

Within minutes I was being wheeled down to the OR with no one I knew at my side. My epidural was removed and painfully a spinal was put in it's place. I was strapped down so that I could not move my arms and a sheet was placed just below my chin so that I could not see anything happening to me. Finally my husband came in and held my hand. I couldn't see his face, but knowing he was there helped so much. 

After a few moments I felt some strong tugging and finally the cries of my baby. My baby!! Really, I just had a baby! I could not see him and no one held him up for me to see. Was he really mine? Did he really just come out of me or was it some rabbit in the hat trick being performed behind the curtain? 

Finally after they unstrapped my arms I was able to move the curtain enough that I could see my son laying on the table, surrounded in nurses drying him off, putting on his little hat and his first diaper. He was scared, he wanted to be held, he grabbed onto the nurse's scrubs and she had to pull his little hand free so she could keep working. He was reaching out for someone to comfort him and he was pulled off. 

After what seemed like hours he was finally wrapped up and given to my husband. He was right next to me and yet I could only see the very top of his nose. When one of the nurses realized that I could not see him, she took him from my husband and held him so that I could see his tiny face and give him the kiss I had been waiting for months to give him. After a quick family photo, he was gone. I yelled at my husband to go with him so that he would not be alone and then they were both gone. I was laying on a table where no one was talking to me, no one was telling me what was going on and I was sad. I wanted to be with my husband and son. Where was he going? What were they doing to him? 

Another hour passed as the doctors stitched my broken body back together, no word on how my son was doing. I was moved from the table onto a bed and wheeled into recovery. There were two nurses in the room talking to themselves, no one to tell me where my son was. By the grace of God, Jeff came into the room just when I felt like I was about to loose myself. He told me that our son weighed 6lbs 15ozs and was doing great. I asked the nurse if I could see my baby. begging just to be able to hold him. Finally she agreed that Jeff could bring him to me. 

A few minutes later my husband and my son came into the room. Tyson was in one of those plastic bassinets wrapped up in a blanket and alone. When he was finally placed into my arms I never wanted to let him go. I finally got to really look at him. His tiny features and his wisps of curly red hair. Red hair? Wait are you sure this is my son? Jeff assured me that it was and I was in love. I wanted to try to nurse him right away, but instead he was placed back into the plastic bed by the nurse and was taken back to the nursery. Why? Why couldn't I keep my son with me? Why did he have to go back there only to be alone?

 

After I left recovery I was wheeled into my own room at the very end of the hall. Jeff was starting a new college class the next day and asked if he could go home to sleep. He has a huge fear of hospitals so I knew how hard it would be for him to stay. Before he left I asked if any of our family was still there and he said that they had all gone home. He kissed me goodbye and once again I was alone. 

It was another 6 hours before my son was placed back into my arms. SIX HOURS!!! He came in the room crying to be feed and held. The nurse who handed him to me told me to nurse him for about 20 minutes then she would come back and get him. I looked right at her and told her that there was no way anyone was taking him away from me again. She went on to tell me that I needed my rest blah blah blah. I told her that the only thing that I needed was my son and he needed me. They would have to get someone in the room to tear him from my arms if they ever wanted him back. She rolled her eyes and told me that she didn't care, she was off in another hour and the next nurse could deal with me. 

My son was finally where he belonged, in my arms, against my heart. I wanted to study every piece of my new baby. His eyes, nose, mouth, ears, fingers, toes. I couldn't get enough of this tiny person. I held him against my chest, talked to him, sang to him and loved him. He never left my side until the following day when I went into shock because of a medication allergy. After I recovered from that, he never left my arms again.

I don't want to go through that this time around. I don't want to be left in a room alone, wondering where my baby is. Waiting for hours on end for someone to bring me my child. This is the reason why I really want to try the VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Although now it is called a TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean). How encouraging is that, "a trial of labor", it sounds like they are expecting women to fail. 

During my first appointment I discussed my thoughts of a vaginal birth with my new doctor and while they both supported the idea, I was given a slew of scary facts that still pointed to a safer delivery being in a repeat c-section. 

After reading everything they gave me, I decided to do my own research online. Wow, there are some scary things out there on the web!! I am finding it really hard to find actual facts instead of personal opinions on the matter. Most people are so pro one and so against the other that it is hard to find bias opinion. I know there are risks with both options, but what is the right one for me. 

I know this is a VERY personal decision but I am asking for your help. If you are reading this and you know of someone who has gone through one or the other, please share their experience. If you know of a good place for me to get real facts, list them. If you have gone through one or both ways of birthing your child, please let me know what helped you make the decision. If you had a repeat c-section was the recovery time better or worse than your first? 

At my next appointment I am going to go over everything that I can with my doctor, but I am hoping to have more facts or questions for him then I do now. I want to know the likely hood of complications with both options. I also want to know that if I decide to do the repeat c-section, is there a way that I can keep my child with me the entire time if the baby is healthy. I have a lot to discuss and I hope that I can make the best choice for me, my family and my child. The stress of thinking I might choose wrong is just so overwhelming at this point.