Monday, July 23, 2012

Pregnant on Korean Time.

I am really starting to believe that this baby is still running on Korean time. I feel really good throughout the day and as soon as supper time rolls around, I start to feel more sick. It hasn't really been that big of an issue, until last night. No sooner did I finish my last post about not getting sick that I started to really feel ill. I tried to get something to eat, but that didn't work. I tried to drink some milk, but that didn't work. Finally I just went to bed with a cold cloth and hopped to simply fall asleep. That too didn't work and I all too quickly I found myself running for the bathroom. My wonderful husband was so sweet. He jumped out of the way and ran from the room. My hero lol. Thankfully my son was asleep so he didn't hear me. I know if I start getting sick in front of him, I will have to tell him why. He is too smart of a kid to not think that something is going on. 
So there is my quick update for today. I am now in the true morning/night sickness group and loving every second of it. I just pray that being sick means a strong healthy baby.
Today I am also calling around to a few more doctors. I have two that I am really excited about and I really hope they accept me as a new patient. I really don't want to have to go back to the doctor who delivered my son. I don't need to feel humiliated throughout this pregnancy like I was with my son. Fingers crossed that all goes well.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

7 weeks, 2 days.

 I am now 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. So far my symptoms for the past week have been about the same. I do get more episodes of nausea, but so far I still have yet to actually get sick. The ovarian type pain that I was experiencing is still there, but no where near as bad as it was last week. Because I still have not found a doctor in our area (very frustrated about this!) I still have yet to go to my first ultrasound to make sure that everything is going as it should. Or to check the number of little beans possibly hiding out in there, although I am still pretty sure it's just one. Hopefully because I will be at the 8 week mark next week, someone will finally agree to see us. Until then, I will keep calling around to all the OBGYN's that I know of in our area. 

I am still tired most of the day, but that too seems to be getting better. I actually made it a few days in a row without having to take a nap. :) Thankfully I had jet lag to blame for most of the tiredness, otherwise I think people would start to question why I have no energy

I am still not having any real craving or food aversions, although I still can't tolerate the smell of our kitty's treats. Our little kidney bean does like food though. The only time I really feel sick is when my stomach is empty. I am trying to find lots of healthy snacks to keep me full throughout the day. I have already put on WAY too much weight since getting home!! Although I think a lot of that is my body's way of responding to all the salt in the food here. I am trying to cook healthy meals, but with the construction going on in our house, we are unable to use the kitchen at the moment. This means takeout and there are not many healthy options here in our small town.
My strongest feelings this week are still fear and trepidation. I want to allow myself to completely embrace this pregnancy, but I am still keeping myself somewhat guarded against those "happy" feelings. I do love this baby, that is something that I don't think any mother could avoid, but loving something so much is scary. I am not strong enough to have to say goodbye to another baby. I have caught myself rubbing my stomach a few times, not even realizing I was doing it. Or I will start feeling sick and start negotiating with this little bean to hold on a few more minutes for food. I think I am slowly allowing myself to believe that this baby will someday soon be in my arms, but I'm not fully there yet. 

On a good note and a big step forward for me, I finally figured out how to tell our son and our family that we are pregnant again. I spent so many hours on the Internet searching for ideas and watching videos of other people's pregnancy announcement to find a really creative way of telling everyone at the same time. I am not going to tell you just yet how I am going to do it, but when I tell them, I will post a video of everyone's reaction. Hopefully this will happen in the next week or two. I want to wait until after our first ultrasound to check on our little bean and to make sure there is a nice strong heartbeat. I could write an entire blog on how nervous I am about that first appointment!! 7 weeks is when things started to look not quite right last time.

 If there are any big changes or appointments this week, I will make sure to post before the 8 week mark, otherwise I will write then. Have a wonderful week!!
(I will post a 7 week picture soon)

Sunday, July 15, 2012

6 weeks 2 days

Because I am no longer trying to conceive, I am going to start doing weekly pregnancy blog with symptoms, thoughts and feelings and any doctor appointments that I may have. I hope everyone continues to follow us on this journey to bring another member into our family.

So today I am 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant according to a 5 day frozen embryo transfer calculator that I found online. I will not get an exact due date until I have my first doctors appointment and ultrasound to determine more precisely how far along I am. Hopefully we can start calling doctors in our area by next week, after we get our insurance set back up. Also, because I am no longer going to my fertility hospital for obvious reasons, most doctors around here refuse to even see you before 8 weeks. Hopefully after explaining our situation, they will make and exception. (Fingers crossed!)

This week symptoms have included being really tired still and having a ton of bad cramps. The cramps have me really scared at times, but since I am not bleeding at all, I am praying that it's nothing bad. The pain seems to come and go, but today seemed to be a bit worse. The pain feels like it is coming from my ovaries so I'm not sure if I have developed another small cyst. Hopefully it will be that simple.

Surprisingly I have not experienced any real morning sickness so far. I do tend to get a little queasy at night, but nothing enough to cause me to run to the bathroom. I am really enjoying this because my last two pregnancies I threw up constantly starting around 5 weeks. However, at the same time I am nervous that this is a sign that everything is not as it should be. It just seems a little strange to have been so sick the last times and then nothing this time around. 

In line with morning sickness often times different smells can make you feel sick. With my son it was coffee. I couldn't come close to a coffee shop or sit near anyone drinking it. Comically I worked right next door to a coffee shop in the mall and every time I went in our out of my store I had to hold my breath.. With my last pregnancy I could not stand the smell or taste of water. I know, "water has a smell". This time the only thing that has made me feel sick so far was the smell of my cat's treats. They are ocean fish something and as soon as I opened them tonight to give him one, I had to throw the container and wash my hands. Poor Thomas is not going to be happy if I can't give him treats anymore.

As far as feelings go, I am still beyond nervous about this pregnancy. I just want to know that everything is going just as it should, but like I said before, we don't have a doctor that will see us for another 2 weeks. If the pain gets any worse though, I am going to go to my general doctor and see if she can at least order an ultrasound to check on our little miracle.
 I am starting to get more excited at the idea that I am pregnant though. I have let myself brows around on the Babies R Us web site a few times and started thinking of ways to tell our son that we are pregnant again. I have plenty of time before then because I will not tell him until I am into my second trimester at least. I don't want to tell my family still and find something is wrong again. I am not strong enough to go through that again.

So until next week, everything is good for the most part. I am just really anxious to finally go to a doctor to know that everything is alright. Until then, please help pray that everything will in fact be perfect.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

3rd Beta and the truth.......please don't hate me....

Today I got a call from the doctor who ordered the last beta test and suggested that I have it redrawn as soon as possible. Thankfully after a few quick phone calls, I was able to get an order for blood work sent up the the local hospital. After only an hour I called to get the results. At 17 days post ovulation and 12 days post transfer, my beta was 183.5. I am still not sure if this is a strong enough number, but I am very hopeful. 

While my numbers are rising and I know that I am pregnant, I am having a surprisingly hard time bonding to this pregnancy. The last time that I found out that I was pregnant, back in December, I started talking to our precious little baby, well to be honest, even before I got the positive result. I had to make a mental note NOT to continuously hold my stomach and yet this time I am almost against all things baby. Yes I know very well how horrid this sounds, but I just can not force myself to feel something that I don't. I know it's not because I don't love this baby, because I do. From the moment I saw the photo of our little embryos, I loved each of them. It's not because I am not excited about being pregnant because this is something we have wanted for SO long. 

I know that if I asked any doctor or shrink, they would tell me that I am feeling this way because I am scared to get too emotionally connected then have something bad happen again. I know this is true because I am still morning our last baby. I still countdown the days to our would have been due date. Still hold the small stuffed animal I bought when I found out. I still hold onto that first photo like it holds all the possibilities in the world. 

I am scared. I am so very scared that I am going to pour my heart and soul into this tiny being trying to make it's way into my heart, only to have to say goodbye. I am so scared of going through those emotions again. Of having to walk into the office thinking everything is more perfect than I could imagine, only to have my world come crashing down again. I just can't go through that again, I'm not strong enough.

"So why did you do another transfer so quickly then!" I can hear this almost being shouted at me, mostly because I shout it at myself. It's not that I don't want to be pregnant, there is nothing that I could want more. Other than keeping my family and my son safe and healthy!! I want to have this baby. I want to make my son a big brother. I want to bring the member of our family that seems to be missing into my arms. I just want to hear that precious heartbeat. I want to see our tiny baby bouncing around healthy and happy. I want to hear a doctor tell me that everything looks great and that nothing should happen. I know that the last one is not possible, I know something can happen anytime during pregnancy, but I just wish I had a way to know for sure that this baby is going to stay........ 

I am so sorry to anyone that I may have upset with this post. I know there are hundreds of women waiting and pleading to hear a positive result and hear I am not appreciating it. I just pray that you know that is not the case at all. I want this!!!! I would do anything to protect this child and insure that I will always have this child in my heart and arms. I know the pain of getting a negative. 5 years worth of tests with one line, tests that say "NO", tests that never turn pink and doctors that call and say "I'm sorry." I know that pain and I wish no one ever had to go through that. But I also know the pain of having to hear "I'm sorry but your baby has died." That I NEVER wish on ANYONE, but I have lived it, and it has effected me and now I am scared.