Second Beta test

So today, despite being crazy tired, my husband and I decided to drive back to Bangor to get some much needed things done. (Applying for our insurance back for starters). Anyway while we were there, our insurance provider stated that they needed proof of due date for medical reasons. They then refurred us to another doctor's office who then sent us to a lab to get another blood draw. I was so happy when they told us this because I really want to make sure that my levels are still going up. So 13 days past ovulation and 8 days past transfer and almost 48 hours since my first blood test, my bets hcg level is at 58.0. I really hope this is a good number!!! 

Even more exciting is that we found out our due date is March 10, 2013!!! Sounds like the perfect day to have a baby!! Now this will change if we are carrying more then one, but for now I am holding onto that date and trying to pour every good thought and prayer into making sure that sometime around the 10th, we have a healthy happy baby! 

Tomorrow a friend of mine who has been on this same journey is going in for her first blood test, so please also pray for her to get GOOD NEWS!!!!!

Beta test and Results

The day before we left Korea, I returned to the doctor one last time for my beta test. Before going in to get poked with one last needle, we were called in to talk to the doctor. She wanted to see how I was feeling since the transfer and say her goodbyes to us. It was so hard not to break down and cry right there in her office. I have never been good with goodbyes, but this was even more difficult. We had become really close to our doctor and the nurses who had worked so hard with us over the past year to try and help grow our family. How do you say thank you enough for something like that.

After leaving her office we walked to the other side of the room so I could get my blood drawn. The nurse was very nice and explained first that it was still very early and that the test may not show anything at this time. She then started to draw my blood however missed my vein, repeatedly!! I wish so much that once someone missed, that they would just start over. There is nothing I hate more then having them wiggle the needle around trying to get the vein back! 

Finally after what seemed like forever, she finally took the needle out, apologized profusely and started over, trying to find a vein on the back of my hand. While that area hurt a little more, she was able to get it on the first try. 

After leaving our phone number with her and being told that she would call in about four hours, we left the fertility hospital for the last time. I could not help but to cry most of the way home knowing that I was also saying goodbye to our 8 little frozen embryos that had to stay behind. Knowing that they are being well cared for and knowing that we are all going to work hard at trying to find a way to get them back to the US was the only way I could force myself to walk away from them. Although thinking about them still makes me very emotional. 

The next few hours seemed so much longer then the days since the transfer. Knowing that one phone call was going to tell us if our hard work over the past year was worth it, or if we were leaving behind possibilities and dreams, it was almost unbearable. 

To make matters worse, Jeff told me the day before that he did not want to know the answer ether way. That he was stressed enough with getting home and he could not handle the idea of leaving if it did not work. So I agreed to wait until after we were back in our own house to tell him. Thankfully I had my wonderful friend to share the news with so that I was not alone.

To my surprise the hospital called after only a few hours. As soon as I saw the number pop up on the phone, I went into the other room where I knew Jeff would not be able to hear me. I was surprised just how scared I was to answer the phone, but once I did, our favorite nurses voice came over the line and calmed me down. She wanted to say her goodbyes to us since she was too busy while we were there. Then she handed the phone to the doctor. Because the doctor had NEVER talked to us over the phone, I knew the news would not be good. She told us again how sad she was to see us go, and that she had to call us herself with the news that we ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!! I made her repeat it over and over until if finally sunk in because it is not the answer that I was expecting. She told us that she made them rush my test first and that she was so excited when she got the results and had to call herself. Even though we are only 12 days past ovulation and 6 days past our transfer of 5 day frozen embryos, my beta level came back as 35!! At first I was really nervous that it was such a low number, but my doctor was very reassuring that it was a strong number for this early. She also told me that if I was able to go to the doctor, I should have my levels redrawn 48 hours from now to make sure the number is rising. She also told me to try and get an ultrasound by July 13 to make sure there was a strong heartbeat or heartbeats!! Hear I was thinking that 35 was a low number and she was explaining that I still have a high chance of carrying more then one baby!! I pray that this is true, but I will be happy and blessed if we only have one. 

After finally hanging up the phone I had to compose myself before going in to help cook lunch with Jeff. I had no idea how I was not going to run in there and blurt it out, let alone not have it read all over my face. So, I walked into the kitchen and didn't say anything. I helped him cook, made sure not to smile and after eating, went back to packing. It was excruciating, but I managed not to tell him. 

Thankfully though I did have the other person who has been there every step of this process with us to tell. When she finally got back to the dorm several hours after I found out, I told her to come right to my room. Before giving her the news I sent Jeff away and Tyson in the shower. I also asked her to get rid of the needles that I had been using because I didn't want to just throw them into the trash. After collecting them for her, I told her that I was so happy to leave on a happy note because I was PREGNANT!!!! As soon as I got the words out she started to cry and gave me a huge hug. We both stood there, holding each other and crying for what seemed like forever. (But never long enough) Finally after over 6 years of trying and one year spent working so hard, we are finally pregnant!! I honestly couldn't imagine anything better then being able to share this news with her before having to say goodbye. Despite starting out with happy tears from wonderful news, the tears quickly turned to ones of pain. Having to say goodbye to her was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. How do you say goodbye to someone who has become not just a friend, but apart of your family!! I felt like I was saying goodbye to my sister, someone who I loved and someone who I knew I may never see in person again. My heart was happy, but so sad at the same time. 

Before leaving I had written her a note that said almost everything that I wanted to say to her, knowing that I could never get it out in person. Our last day out in Deagu I gave it to her. It simply stated that I could never thank her enough for everything that she had done for us and how sad I was to say goodbye. In the letter I told her that I could never thank her enough and when I tried to think of something to give her for all that she had done, nothing seemed to be enough. Finally after many long nights of talking, I finally asked Jeff if I could ask her to help us by giving our baby or babies their middle name. She is so much of the reason why I am pregnant right now and to make sure she knew how much she really and truly is involved, we want her help in giving them a Korean name so that they know where they were conceived and who helped bring them into the world.

So the goodbyes are done, we are back home and we are PREGNANT!!!! I will make another post to tell you how I ended up telling Jeff that he is going to be a Daddy again! Until then, I have lots of cleaning, unpacking and resting to do.  I will also be praying for our friends who will be getting their beta test results tomorrow!!

Traveling home.

After a very long 29 hours of traveling, we finally made it safe and sound back in the US. Despite the long hours and very little sleep, the trip home was relatively smooth. I thought we were going to run into quite a bit of trouble on at least two of our flights after finding out that none of us were seated anywhere near each other, but thankfully the airlines and other passengers were very accommodating in moving seats around so that we were together.

The first plane that we ran into this problem was on our longest flight from Tokyo to Chicago where we were seated no where near each other. Because the flight was going to be over 11 hours, and I hate flying, I knew there was no way I could handle not having my family next to me. Once we arrived at the airport and asked to be moved, we learned that there were no more seats available together in coach, so to get us all together we ended up having to get moved up to business class. After landing I told Jeff that it was probably a good thing that we were not going back because after that, there was no way I could go back to coach on that long of a flight. 

The second flight that we were not seated together was the short ride from Philadelphia to Bangor. I could handle not being with Jeff, but the idea of having Tyson on the opposite end of the plane made me a bit upset. Because they had oversold the plane, they were really struggling to find a way for us to sit together. Finally the called the passenger sitting next to Tyson up to the counter. After a short wait, an older gentleman came up and we asked if he would be willing to switch seats so that I could sit with my son. He then stated that he had had the worst day of air traveling of his life and he was really not wanting to move. I told him that I understood completely and that I didn't want to make his day any worse. I did however ask if he would mind helping our son if he needed it. That since it was his fourth plane ride of the day and he was feeling a bit air sick, could he please help him remove the tap from the air sick bag if he became ill. Now I know deep down in his heart hearing this made he feel sorry for my little boy and he wanted to make sure that he was with his Mommy if he wasn't feeling well because as soon as asked for his help, he was delighted to move. Oh what a mother has to do to help our her child. 

After landing in Bangor and being greeted by lots of family, it was finally time for a good old fashion American meal before heading home. What could be more American than Olive Garden lol. I do have to say that it was so nice to look at a menu and not try to figure out what came with some sort of tentacles! 

After another hour or so ride home, we finally arrived back at our house. I was so happy to see my little home until I walked through the door! While abroad, we hired someone to come in and work on our house and I couldn't believe the mess left behind! Everything in every room is covered in a thick layer of construction dust and every room that has been worked in, now has it's belongings scattered throughout the entire house. With the amount of unpacking, cleaning and organizing that I have to do, it is probably going to take me the better part of 2 or 3 weeks to put my house back together. 

Dispite that, I am just so happy to finally be home, where I can walk around in my pj's and not worry about having to deal with anyone that I don't want to. Where family is around the corner and food comes in more variety, with less tentacles.

How to pass time during the 2ww

I though I would put together a fun list of things to keep you busy during the dreaded 2 week wait. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed putting it together. 

At least it helped pass another few hours for me. :)

#1. Resting in bed, especially the first day or so after transfer.

#2. Catch up on your favorite shows or watch a good movie. 

(If your husband or partner is not one to give up control of the remote, simply remind them that you are the one trying to create a human.)  

#3. Read a good book.

 (I hear 50 Shades of Gray is good, but it might be too steamy for relaxing. Also laughing has been proven to help with implantation so if you want a HILARIOUS pregnancy book, 

try Jenny Mccarthy's Belly Laughs)
 .

#4.Hide your husband or partner's cell phone. After a while call it and let it ring only once or twice until they find it.

(Only try this if you are married to someone with a really GOOD since of humor.)

#5. Play cards or a game with your husband or partner.

(If they catch you cheating, you can try to blame your baby brain, although it may be a tad bit early for that)

#6.See how many flavors of Ben and Jerry's ice cream you can name. Then come with your own flavor.

#7.Take up crocheting or knitting so you can start making some cute baby blankets.

(This blanket took me several hours at least)

#8. Repeat the same word over and over again until it looses all meaning.  Hedgehog, Hedgehog, Hedgehog, Hedgehog, Hedgehog, Hedgehog, Hedgehog, Hedgehog......

#9. Play Draw Something with friends with your ipad, ipod or Kindle Fire. 

(I am sure there are other ways to play, I just don't know of them)

#10. Ask for a foot rub or even a back rub.

(You need to be pampered after all so you stay nice and calm)
.

#11. Paint your nails and play around with facial masks. Although watch out if your doing it at night and have young kids. I scared my son half to death when he walked into my room after a bad dream.

 (Shhhh don't tell him that I laughed after he left) 

#12. Coloring isn't just for kids! I got out my son's coloring books and crayons and had a blast reliving my own childhood. 

#13. If your like me and like to make lists, now is the perfect time. I made pages of lists of everything that had to be done around this house here, around my house home and everything that I might need for a new baby.

#14. Don't forget the always import getting LOTS of sleep! Your body needs lots of rest while it's trying to create a baby. At least until morning sickness has you up early. 

#15. Try not to think about penguins. Really.......................................................................................................

Your thinking about them aren't you?

#16. It's a good time to start learning lullabies and cute songs. I suggest this one for starters....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCv7mbyoVUw&list=PLCE7E0363B6651D00&index=11&feature=plpp_video

Once your off bed rest you can try these other activities to keep busy.

#1. Go for a walk.

(Soon enough walking will be uncomfortable and you will have to pee too often to get very far)

#2. Go out to a movie, but remember even in those early weeks you may need to use the restroom more often so get the small drink.

#3. Spend time with friends, although if they do not yet know that you are on the 2ww, it can be very hard not to just blurt out the news.  

(I broke down twice)

#4. Walk around baby stores and see all the amazing new products out there. Just keep in mind that they will probably be old news by the time your little one arrives 

(hopefully in about 38 weeks!!).

 (In my case we walked around the mall here and cringed at the idea of spending 45$ on a ONSIE!!)

#5. Time to get to all those chores that you have been putting off. Clean our your closet, after all it's never too early to get ready for maternity clothes!

(My time was spent packing after putting it off for weeks, I had no choice)

#6. Start a new hobby or learn something new such as a new language.

(Although I would keep the dream of becoming a circus performer or shark tamer on the back burner for just a little while longer)

#7. Start a journal, blog or some other way of recording the process and how you are feeling each step of the way. Trust me, in a few months after many sleepless nights, your brain will eradicate all things that are not necessary to sustain life.

#8. Time to learn how to use your camera! I mean really learn it because there is nothing more frustrating then missing the perfect photo and you really don't want to have to wait until your child's college graduation to get out their birth announcement. 

#9. Make a list of everyone that you want to tell and when, after you finally get that Big Fat Positive!! You wouldn't want to leave out Uncle Dick and have him insist later on that you name the baby after him because he was the last to know.

#10. Collect paint samples from your local paint store and try to agree on a nursery color now. There's nothing like showing off your finished nursery when your baby is 3 years old.

#11. Explore Pinterest and Zulily .

#12. Make sock puppets.

#13. Master at least 4 tong-tie-poems such as saying Toy Boat 5 times fast.

#14. Relax, stop stressing over the uncontrollable or every possible pregnancy symptom. Allow yourself to be positive and enjoy the possibilities that this could really be the time that everything worked out.

Feeling down :(

Trying to stay positive isn't easy during the long 2ww, but today my positive thoughts are few and far between. I woke up this morning with a headache, one of my almost fail proof signs of my impending AF showing up. That paired with the almost constant cramps and my hopes for this cycle finally working are going downhill fast. 

I know cramping in early pregnancy is normal, and can even be a good sign, but these cramps feel so much like normal AF cramps that I just can't see them as something positive. It is to the point where I am avoiding going to the bathroom like the plague, as if I might be able to hold off the truth by not seeing first hand that AF has arrived. 

I am still trying to hold onto hope and praying like crazy, but right now my mood is low. I finally broke down and told Jeff about the pains and he looked so sad. Like I had taken all of his hope away too. 

I am going to spend the remainder of the day in bed resting, hoping that maybe the cramps are just a sign of pushing myself too hard today. 

Please if you are reading this, please help us pray that these cramps are not the sign of AF coming but the sign that everything is changing because were pregnant. I want so badly for this to work, my heart hurts at the idea that it might not.

Frozen Embryo Transfer Day!!!!

I just got home a short while ago from my first FET and I couldn't be more excited!! I was still a bit sad that Jeff was once again unable to be there, but at least the room was filled with other women going through the same thing. It just felt safe in a way, to know that I was not alone and to know that we were all there for a common purpose. This time I did not find someone who spoke enough English to really talk to, but my Kindle Fire kept me company instead. 

Today we transferred three 5 or 6 day Embryos, depending on where you count from. (Collected on a Wednesday, frozen on a Monday, thawed today) Now I was still not given any kind of a grade on the embryos, but all three are already in the hatching stage!!!! I couldn't believe what I was seeing when they first came into view on the little screen. At first I could not understand just what I was seeing, but once my eyes adjusted a little more, I could see that all three were already hatching and the doctor said they were very strong and doing amazingly. They had survived the thaw with no issues and showed signs of growth! YAH!! Below is a photo of your amazing little babies!! 

Because we are leaving on the 28th, we have to cut our 2ww short. Instead of going in at 10 days past FET, we are going to go in on day 6 for a beta test. This might be too soon to detect anything, so if it is a negative result, I know that I can still hope for the best and retest when I get back to the US. 

Yes I know it's not a real heart, but I still think it is a good sign!

 Anyone reading our blog, please pray along with us that this works this time around. Five years is a long time to be missing a piece of your family and working so hard to bring them into your arms. Thank you!!

Counting down the days with exciting news!!

We have 8 more days here in Korea before we start the long 26 hour journey home. I am sad to leave a country where it is so safe young children can be seen crossing busy streets alone, or hopping on the nearest subway car. Where the people are so friendly and the views are breath taking. However I am not sad to leave behind the smells of the sewers, the mixture of sweat, kimchi and cigarettes that seems to come from everywhere or taxi drivers who believe they are driving bumper cars. 

 Not wanting to take anything easy, this week also holds more big milestone, ones that I am very excited for. I wanted to share this earlier, but I also wanted to make sure that it was really going to happen before doing so. 

The day after receiving the phone call that our fresh IVF cycle did not work, our wonderful friend who has been there for every step of this process, called my doctors office to find out what we could do next. After being told that we would have to wait at least one cycle before trying a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), our friend talked with our favorite nurse at the hospital and the two of them were able to convince our doctor to allow us to try one last time before leaving. This would require changing our original plane tickets at a moderate expense, but just the idea of being able to have one more go at this before leaving means the world to me. 

So, tomorrow I am going into the hospital at 10:30 am for a FET with three 5 day embryos. I am a little nervous that all three might implant, but if they do, we will welcome each of them with open arms and loving hearts!

We have decided to keep the news of our FET a secret from our family and son until we hopefully have good news and strong heartbeats. I just hate the idea of disappointing everyone around us again. I know everyone has gotten their hopes up almost as high as we have, and having to be the one to tell them it didn't work, or that we lost the baby is not something I want to repeat again. So today my hopes are high, my nerves are a mess and I am trying to stay busy packing with fingers crossed, prayers being said, and superstitious good luck objects being collected. It' can't hurt to cover all bases right?

Today was suppose to be the day that we left Korea and headed back home to Maine. However that is no longer the case. We are now staying in Daegu until the 28th of July. While I am really sad about not going home, I am really looking forward to spending some time just traveling around Korea and seeing things that we have overlooked. Every time we planed a vacation, it was to one of the surrounding countries, never taking the time to appreciate what is around us. With Tyson no longer going to summer school, he will also have the opportunity to enjoy this time with us. Hopefully we can make many more memories before heading back home.

It also gives us more time to pack everything that we have accumulated over the past two years. Because we are almost out of suitcase room, we will be shipping much of it home. Now it's just a matter of figuring out what we want to keep and what we want to donate.

Tyson is now a Kindergarten Graduate!

I am so proud of him!!

Hope VS. Faith

HOPE and FAITH are in so many ways the same. Both HOPE and FAITH are there to give us strength when we need it most. They are there when we are facing a situation in our lives where we desire a certain outcome or need help in coping with events that life throws at us. They are there to give us a since of peace over not having absolute control and yet at the same time HOPE and FAITH are so vastly different.

When I think of the word HOPE, I think of not giving up on a dream. In believing that something might happen in a way that I would like . HOPE by it's very definition is,

A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

HOPE gives us something to hold onto. Something positive to wish for. Hope is meant for shooting stars and pennies in wishing wells. If you loose hope, then I believe you have given up on a dream. You have given up your positive outlook and have lost the will to work at making things happen.

FAITH on the other hand is something that you give yourself over to. Something that you believe in wholeheartedly. FAITH by it's definition is,

Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Complete trust in God that he knows what is best in your life. To know that when you pray for strength he will give you a situation in witch you can be strong. To know when you pray for a happy outcome, that he will open your eyes to everything around you that makes you happy. To know when you pray for understanding that he might never give you the answers, but he will be there guiding you to a place of acceptance.

FAITH is not something that happens without work. Even though we all try to give ourselves over to it completely, it is something that needs almost constant affirmation. FAITH is not something easily obtained, it's not easy to readily accept a hire power's will over our lives. That we have very little control over events good or bad. Even if you do not believe in the same God that I do or even believe in a God, FAITH is always there for anyone. FAITH isn't judgemental, it isn't cruel or spiteful. FAITH doesn't want you to fail, or to give up. FAITH wants your absolute trust in knowing that thing will happen the way your life's path decides. Good or bad, every life event is there to create the person you are meant to be. FAITH is there when the most unspeakable events happen in life. It's there to comfort in a way that reminds you that our lives are not in our hands. We can not prevent bad things from happening but we can have FAITH that we are not alone in dealing with the outcome. FAITH to me is a trust that you must have fully or not at all. There is not middle ground with FAITH, unlike with HOPE where your desire can change as fast as the passing breeze, FAITH demands your trust in everything.

I believe we all need both HOPE and FAITH to survive in this world. Without HOPE how can you have dreams, and without FAITH how can you accept that our lives are set in a motion that we can not completely control.

I have HOPE that my family will grow and be strong and healthy. I have FAITH that God will guide my life in the direction that it's meant to go. That if Tyson is our only child then I will love him with all my heart and soul and forever feel blessed for having him in my life. I have HOPE that nothing bad will ever come to my family and I have FAITH that God will always be there, protecting and loving.

Advice

I know many women don't like hearing advice from someone else, but some do. I wish I had more when starting on this journey, but for now my journey is over. I know that a lot of women are still going through theirs or are just starting out, so I though I would share some advice that I would have liked to hear before going through this. This is my opinion only, from my experiences, nothing more than that. 

1. My first piece of advice would be to make sure you have a strong support system. The hardest part about going through this is feeling so isolated if your trying to keep it from people around you. Because of where I live and work, I did not want everyone knowing what was going on in our personal lives. Because of this, I did not have many people that I could talk to. It was hard not to have someone to share everything with and to just talk to. Of course I had my husband, but men just don't seem to understand  the way another women does. 

2. Try to find someone that has already been through this process. I would have loved to have been able to really talk to someone about their experience going through IVF and what I might be able to expect from the process. I tried to join a few fertility support groups online, but they just seemed so impersonal. Dozens of women typing back and forth, but never really ever knowing the other person. I finally gave up because I could not keep up posting on everyone else's comments and so I got ignored. Unless you are willing to write a message to every women on that particular sight, you get overlooked and cast aside. At least that was my experience. 

3. Know that it is going to be one of the craziest emotional roller coasters you have ever been on and accept your feelings. Let yourself get nervous, scared, happy, excited or even sad. Don't let anyone tell you how your suppose to feel, allow your body to process what it's feeling and hopefully find a way to share those feeling with someone else that will not judge you. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was to always hear "well you should feel........." along this process. Why wasn't it ever alright for me to just feel the way I was. Especially now, why isn't it alright for me to just feel sad. Why do I have to "look on the brighter side" or "know that everything happens for a reason" and my favorite "you should be happy that you did what you could." Those don't help, trust me. Just let me feel the way I am and be supportive. 

4. Know that each medication comes with it's own side effects. The weeks of medications, injections and suppositories you have to take prior to your retrieval and transfer will make you emotional, nauseous, give you a headache and make you really tired. Keep in mind that those medications are making your body produce more follicles and grow more eggs than it was ever intended to do in a single month. It takes a lot out of you so allow yourself time to rest. Eat lots of healthy foods and drink plenty of water. Let others help you because there will be days your just too tired to do it on your own. 

5. Egg retrieval is a scary part of the process. Most women will be lucky enough to be asleep during the actual procedure, but it is still a scary thing to go through. Make sure you prepare a place to go home and rest ahead of time. There's nothing worse then being groggy and in pain then having to go home and find pillows, blankets and whatever else you may need to get comfortable in bed or on the couch. Know where you want to be before you get home and have it ready so you can just go right in and lay down. Make sure you have something to throw up in close by. The medication they give you can make you sick, along with the pain and discomfort from the procedure. You are not going to want to run to the bathroom, so make sure it is handy just in case.  Also make sure there is someone home with you that can take care of you for the day. Getting you something to eat and drink. Have plenty of Gatorade or sport drink that you like on hand. The electrolytes will help you get back to feeling good again faster. 

5 1/2 If you are awake during the procedure know that it is going to hurt. Sorry but I'm not going to sugar coat it. They will be placing a large needle through your virginal wall into your ovaries, it's not going to feel pretty. Know that it will hurt, prepare yourself as much as possible so that when it does hurt, you can keep as calm as possible. Moving during the procedure is dangerous so you need to be able to deal with the pain in any way that keeps you from moving. If it is possible to have someone hold your hand, even a nurse if your husband or partner can not be there, ask. I know having the nurses hold my hands made a huge difference. 

6. Celebrate your hard work and try and let yourself relax after it is over. You have done everything that you could, there is nothing more for you to do for the next few days besides wait. Make sure you and your husband or partner use this time to just be together. Do something fun together and know that your embryos are safe and growing. I say to celebrate your hard work because the road to IVF is a very long one. No one goes in one day and says "hey, I think doing IVF next week would be fun." It is a very long process and it takes a huge emotional toll. Now that your retrieval is over, celebrate everything that you have done together to get to this point. Realize that this step is just as important as a positive pregnancy result, it was work to get here and you have done it! 

7. Egg transfer isn't something to fear. Going in to my egg transfer I was surprised how scared I really was. I mean everything that we had worked months for had come down to this one day. I was alone without my husband and I was scared. Thankfully I found someone who could be my support and it helped immensely. Don't take this day for granted, try to make sure your husband or partner can be with you. This is the day you might get pregnant after all and in any normal since of the process, you wouldn't be alone.  After it is over, relax as much as you can, drink lots of water and eat healthy. Know that your job for the most part is not in your hands. 

8. The two week wait. The only thing I can suggest during this time is don't do anything that you might regret later. If the blood work comes back negative, the first thing you will most likely do is the "what ifs." During that two week wait don't make any unnecessary what ifs for yourself. Don't drink, smoke, lift heavy objects, run a marathon or exercise heavily. Don't drink lots of coffee or take any unprescribed medications. If you get sick, take care of yourself and see your doctor. If you do everything you can to keep your body healthy and relaxed  then there will be no what ifs to beat yourself up over. Also, don't take the home pregnancy test no matter how hard the struggle is not to. I know there right there handy, but if your HPT comes back positive and your Bata test come back negative, then your world can come crashing down fast and it makes it all the more difficult. As you know I say this from experience. I really wish I had never taken that test, my hopes wouldn't have been so high and I wouldn't have been so blindsided with that phone call.

9. If you get a positive result CELEBRATE!!! Be happy, be overjoyed and know that you did an amazing thing. You got pregnant and you deserve every bit of happiness. In my case when I did get pregnant I was unable to keep that baby. Our baby's heartbeat stopped and I was left empty handed, but when I was pregnant I celebrated that I was every day. I know that I loved our child and that there was nothing I did to cause it. Again don't make any what ifs. Celebrate and know that you have another life growing inside of you and it is your job to care for that life. 

10. If you get a negative result. My best advice is to allow yourself to feel however your body wants. If you want to stay positive and know that it's not the end then embrace that. Make sure others around you are only allowed positive things to be said. Tell them that you know it's not the end, don't let anyone make you feel bad if you are lucky enough to have a positive attitude. 

If you want to feel sad, then it's ok to be sad. Cry and for as long as you want. Don't let the sadness consume you, but know that it's alright to be sad. Let others around you help you to feel supported but don't let anyone tell you that you feel something that you don't.

11. When the process is over good or bad, take time to recognize everything that you went through. Take time as a couple to know that it was a long emotional journey and that it's over. You got through it together and that is a huge accomplishment. If your like me and are not quite done yet, then still allow yourself the time to recognize what you have done before trying to figure out what's next. 

I hope this helps anyone going through this process. I wish I could help more, but at the moment I am in between trying to realize everything that we have been through and figuring out where to go from here. This past year has been unbelievably difficult and I need to take some time to allow my body to accept what it has been through. To allow my emotions to play out and maybe then I can figure out where to go from here. Until then I will still be praying for everyone to have positive results!!

Bata test results

Tuesday I went in for my blood test to find out if I am really pregnant. I say really pregnant because the day before I finally broke down and took a home pregnancy test. I know they say not to because it only adds to the stress, but I couldn't help it. I had to know so that I could prepare myself for what ever answer the doctor might call with. 

I took the test first thing on Monday morning and it came back positive!!! I just sat on the edge of my bed staring at the second pink like. It was not as dark as the first, but it was there and I was overjoyed. I couldn't believe after everything that we had been through that it worked. That despite the days on end of vomiting, fevers and having to have almost two liters of fluid removed from my body, at least one of those tiny embryos hung on

Taken May 29, 2012 6:50am

. 

I could not wait to tell Jeff the great news, but unfortunately I had to teach a class first. Thankfully their project was already prepared and the class time flew by. As soon as it was over I walked right down to Jeff's class to tell him the great news. He had to step out of the room for a moment so while he was away, I typed a letter on the computer saying that we were pregnant. When he came back and saw what was on his monitor he was thrilled. It was hard to have a little celebration quietly while the students were walking around the room, but we did. 

So the next day when I had to go in for blood work I knew what the call later that day would be. "Congratulations, your pregnant." Having to wait for that call was torture. I don't know why but I was more nervous about that phone call than I expected. Finally around 2:30 just as school got out and just as Jeff and Tyson were getting home, my phone rang. I went into my son's room to answer it and she said those words, "NOT pregnant, sorry." Waite, what!?! Not pregnant! I made her repeat it at least three times before the words would even begun to sink in. Not pregnant, false positive, not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant. 

I immediately when into see Jeff who had a huge smile on his face and burst into tears. I had to tell him that the test had been wrong and that we are not pregnant. Our two tiny miracles didn't stay with us and our fight was over. My son saw that I was crying and asked what was wrong. I had to explain to him that the picture of the two babies that I had shown him were not going to be babies. He was sad and asked if they died like our other baby. I explained to him that they never grabbed on like we had talked about and that our trying to conceive journey was over. He then looked up at me and said "It's ok Mommy, you still have me and I'm not going to go anywhere. I know your sad about the babies dying, but it would be more sad if I did and I didn't. I am sad I wanted to be a big brother, but I am still here." That brought on it's own flood of tears and I told him that I am so blessed to have him and that I love him more than anything on earth. Later I told him that maybe Mommy didn't have another baby because I already have one perfect little boy. I want him to know that I don't need more children, that he is enough for me and that I am happy with him, beyond happy.  

At the same time I am very sad. I have let myself cry and cry some more. I don't want to play the "everything happens for a reason" card, I just want to be sad. I want to cry and not feel bad about crying. I don't feel like talking to anyone, I just want to be sad. 

I don't know where our journey will go from here. We are suppose to leave the country on June 9th, leaving our 12 embryos behind until we can find a safe way to get them home. 12 embryos, 12 more possibilities that may never be all because of a school that has made us feel so unwelcome. My heart is broken and I feel defeated. 

Our friend is going to call out doctor to find out exactly when we would be able to try again, just to see if there would be some sort of possibility of us changing our plane tickets to stay and try one more time. For now though, I am feeling very hopeless and sad. I don't know when I will post again as I don't know what I have to write about anymore, but I will be following every one's stories and praying so hard that you all get positive results. I don't wish this feeling on anyone.

Egg Transfer

I had a three day embryo transfer on Saturday the 19th with two 8 to 9 cell embryos. They do not do the grading system here, so I am not sure what grade they were at. I do know that once again, the experience was very Korean.

Because I knew ahead of time that my husband would not be allowed to go in the room with me, I decided to go to this appointment alone. When everything was over, he would dive down to get me. There was no point in making him sit out in the waiting room for hours on end with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Besides, it was also on a Saturday so our son would not be in school and I couldn't imagine a more boring way to spend a Saturday then sitting in a room at a doctor's office.

To pass the time I brought along my new Kindle, but no sooner then I got it turned on and started to read that the women who I had become so close to during retrieval came over to say hi. I was hoping I would see her there, but I never imagined my luck would be that good. We talked about our recoveries from the last procedure and how nervous we were about this one. We also talked about the number of embryos we had that fertilized, I had 19 out of 20 and she had 8 out of 11. We both knew the odds were in our favor and we hoped for the best. 

Soon the nurse called our names over, along with 4 or 5 other women and we were taken back into the same room as the retrieval. We once again adorned our beautiful, short pink robes and were lined up in order in the small waiting area. This time I was first in line with my new friend right next to me. I was so nervous about going in first, but at least it would be over and the process trying to make a baby or babies could begin. 

When the nurse came out she called all of our names, not just mine. I guessed that this was going to be another group affair like my IUI. Oh well, at least I would have someone to talk to and possibly hold my hand. 

Sure enough we were all lined up and given a bed with our names written on a small white board above the pillow. At least I have learned to read my name in Korean. The beds this time were full, six women lay next to me while seven others were across from us, all with the hopes of getting pregnan. Not quite the way I had envisioned conceiving our next child, but hey, it's going to make for a great story someday. 

After we all got as comfortable as possible a nurse came in to go over some things with us. Once again my new friend was invaluable in translating everything for me. While we waited for the doctor to arrive to start the process, we were to relax as much as possible. The actual process would not take long at all, but we were to remain laying down for two hours following the transfer. Two hours! Wow now I am really glad I have someone to talk to!

 They dimmed the lights and turned on soft music and explained to us that we would be able to see our embryos on the small TVs that hung next to our bed right before they came in to do the transfer. After the transfer was over, we would each be given a photo to take home. I was really hoping for a photo, but actually being able to see them before they were placed back where they belonged, well that was something I could have never even dreamed of. It made me a little teary eyed just thinking about the possibility of seeing our two tiny miracles at such an early stage. How many women will ever get to say they saw their children when they were only a few cells old. 

We didn't have to wait long before the doctor came in and started getting everything ready. A portable ultrasound machine was wheeled over to my bed and I was asked to scoot to the end. As soon as I did, I turned to the TV waiting to see my little gifts from God. Unfortunately my TV was not working and once the nurse finally got it to, they were already getting ready to bring them in. I did however get a quick look at them on another TV in the room. It was amazing to see the two of them sort of floating around, then being sucked up into the small catheter. When the doctor walked in with them, I asked the women next to me to hold my hand. She held on tight and I started to pray that these two little embryos would implant and start to grow strong. I prayed that the pain from the retrieval process and the weeks of injections would be all worth it and that this would work. I prayed that our son would finally be the big brother he wanted to be so badly. I prayed that our babies would be healthy and happy and at that moment,  after seeing them, I fell in love with them. They were our babies, our tiny precious miracles, created under different circumstances but wanted and loved that much more. 

The actual process only took a few minuets and once it was done I was told not to move for the next five minuets. Now I understood why the other seven women that were across from us were placed behind a giant sheet. It was so we had a little bit of privacy and they could not just look over at us. 

Next it was my friend's turn and she was so nervous that it was going to hurt. I told her that I never felt anything and told her to try and relax. Soon her little embryo came up on the screen and we all watched as it floated around, holding all the potential in the world. Soon the doctor came in again with a large catheter and placed her embryo safely back where it can grow strong. 

Fourteen times in total I got to watch this process take place. Sometimes one embryo, sometimes two came up on our little screens. Some were a cluster of 8 or 9 cells while others were clearly already in the blastocyst stage. The most amazing one that we were able to see was one women had an embryo that was already dividing into natural identical twins. The doctors all pointed that one out and explained what was going on. It was amazing to see life happening at such a crucial moment. I couldn't help but cry, not only for myself but for each women that laid in that room with me. I cried for each one of those tiny embryos to grow strong and give life that was wanted so badly. 

After we were finished, the doctor that was working on the women across from us explained how he had gone to an IVF hospital in Poland and a study was done that proved that your odds for conception increased with laughter. So we were told to find something on the TV to watch or talk about something that would get us to laugh. To spend the next 24 hours laughing as much as possible and hopefully we would all have positive results. 

Laughing turned out to be the easy part really. I mean who else gets pregnant with fourteen strangers and a bunch of doctors. "Yes dear child, you were created in a giant conception orgy with only one women that I was actually able to even communicate with."  There was no problems with laughing, but at the same time I wished so much that Jeff could have been a part of this. That he too was able to see our tiny creations on the screen and to be there when our children were placed safely back in what I hope would be their home for the next 9 months. 

The next few hours passed quickly with lots of conversing, watching TV and even a nice lunch. Yup that's right, while laying in our bed, we were each given a bowl of nice hot rice porridge with seaweed and vegetables. It was really good, but I chose not to enjoy the tiny fish and kimchi that came with it. There's just something about those little fish looking up at me with their little dead eyes that doesn't scream YUMMY. 

After our two hour wait was over, we were told we could slowly get up and start moving around. While I chose to go out and get my phone to call my husband, my friend was a bit too nervous and wanted to give it more time before moving. So I went back into the dressing room, put my underwear back on to feel a little less exposed and called my husband. To my surprise he and my son were already out waiting for me. I told him that it would be another 20 to 30 minuets before we would be released after that I had to go home and rest for the next two days. 

When I got back into the other room to lay down, I told my friend that I would be thinking of her and that I hoped everything would work out. I feel so close to her and yet I knew that this may be the last time I ever saw her. Unlike in the US, people here are not so open about giving out email addresses or Facebook pages to keep in touch. I was sad that I might never know how things turned out for her, but in a way I think it was the perfect friendship. We were there when we needed each other most and we could go on believing that everything turned out perfectly for the other person. When it was time to go, we said our goodbyes and our good lucks and went our separate ways. I think I will always have a special place in my heart for this person because we shared something so personal with each other. It usually takes years to share everything that we did in the few hours that we were actually together, but those are hours that I will forever cherish. 

After everything was over and I was dressed, we left the office with a date of May 30th to come back for blood work. As long as we came before 11:30, we would be able to get our results that same day. Looking back I laugh at how much I was dreading that time, but after everything that happened, after getting so sick and having so many complications, I never got the chance to feel the anxiety of the time passing by. As soon as I finally started to feel better, my wait was over. But that's another story.

That's not a needle, it's a PIPE!!!

As anyone who has been reading my blog knows, I developed OHSS after my egg retrieval. I really thought I was on the road to recovery when my symptoms suddenly got worse. I was unable to keep any food or liquids down, the shortness of breath got worse, I was unable to sleep due to intense acid reflux and I gained close to 16lbs in less then 4 days. 

On Friday the 25, I finally had enough and returned to my doctor. This time she seemed a lot more concerned and confirmed that the fluid building up in my chest and abdomen would not go away on it's own. She explained that it needed to be drained and we couldn't wait any longer. 

At first I was not that nervous, my husband was with me and I was so uncomfortable at that point that I was willing to do anything for a little relief. It wasn't until the doctor told me that my husband once again couldn't be in the room with me through the procedure that I became upset. I just don't understand why they have such an aversion to moral support. That or they just don't understand how significant a loved one holding you hand can be. 

I was taken to the same room where they had given me IV medications a few days prior and once again put on the smallest gurney I have ever seen. If I had tried to lay flat out, my knees would have hung off of the end. Instead they wanted me laying on my side so it worked. The nurse started out by placing another IV line in my wrist to start fluids and antibiotics. Because I was much more dehydrated this time, she had a hard time even finding a vein to place the IV. Thankfully she was able to get it in on one try and after about 10 minuets of fluids the doctor came in to put in the drain. 

At first it was a lot of repositioning to find just the right spot and to try to make sure the fluid would drain from my chest as completely as possible. While she was looking around with the ultrasound I decided now would be a good time to tell my doctor that I have a huge fear of needles and I appologised ahead of time for any screaming that she may have to listen to. No sooner did I say this than another nurse came up behind me with a folded blanket and another pillow. She was standing over my head so I asked the doctor if that was to cover my mouth so the other patients in the waiting room wouldn't hear me scream. At first she looked at me very puzzled, then suddenly she started laughing uncontrollably. So much so she had to put down the ultrasound and hold onto the table. The other nurses, not understanding a lot of English, had no idea what was going on. Finally after a few breaths, my doctor translated to them what I had said. They too started to laugh with sort of a shocked look on their face that I would think such a thing. This really helped calm me down and it made for another great story for later.

After using the blankets and pillow to put me into the most uncomfortable position imaginable, it was time to start. Without any pain medication or shot to numb the area, the doctor grabbed what I can only describe as a large 8" long gold pipe and got ready to insert it into my lower stomach, right above my right hip. Before inserting it, she turning to me one last time to tell me the importance of not moving while she got it into the right area. Like she had to tell me not to move. I was so scared that if I did, it would go right through me or worse, through my liver or something. 

Thankfully I was able to reach over my head and grab onto a rail in the front of the gurney and at least pretend it was Jeff. His hand holding mine, giving me the strength not to move and the courage not to scream. 

At first the needle didn't feel any worse than some of the injections I have been administering to myself, maybe just a little more painful. It wasn't until she had to go through the muscle layer into my abdominal cavity that the pain really hit. It was really intense for about five seconds then it felt more like a lot of painful pressure. I could actually the doctor move the needle around to get it into just the right spot. She finally stopped when it was laying at an angle near the side of my uterus. After that I could feel every inch of the needle in my body and every time I made the slightest adjustment to my body, I could feel it moving inside, poking and hurting. 

Once the needle was placed where she wanted, they taped it in place the best they could and started draining the fluid. I could hear it running into the glass bottle on the floor next to by bed and even though I am not a squeamish person at all, this made me a little nauseated. Thinking that there was not a great amount of fluid to drain, the doctor said they would leave it in for about 30 minuets just to be on the safe side. By the time they brought Jeff back to sit with me, the bottle was over half full.

For the next half an hour, I begged Jeff to talk about anything and everything to get my mind off of how much pain I was in. To distract me from the immense urge to move into a more comfortable position and to ignore the feeling of this large foreign object now squiring me. To my great dismay he seemed to be fresh out of any topics of conversation, focusing more on the process taking place. Finally I got his attention by telling him that I now knew what it felt like when someone takes that time of death temperature on TV. If you have ever watched any of the CSI, NCIS or some crime type show then you most likely know what I am talking about. I also correlated this feeling to having been run through the middle with a meat thermometer in a bad BBQ accident or falling onto a piece of rebar. All of witch I knew were extreme exaggerations, but at least it got Jeff's attention and his laughter took away the reality of what was happening. 

Soon the nurse returned and had to change out bottles as the first was completely full. She held up the bottle for me to see and said "no wonder you felt so bad." I knew something wasn't right, but I had no idea it was at that extent. Even she seemed surprised at the amount still draining. After about ten more minuets and one more quick peek in to see how things were going, I started begging Jeff to get someone to take it out. I couldn't stand it being in there any longer, it had to come out soon or I was going to take it out myself. I'm not sure if it was because of the pain, which wasn't really that bad, or the idea of knowing that it was in there that brought me to the verge of panic. I was begging Jeff to get the nurse and he did his best to calm me down and talk me through it. He said over and over that it was better to leave it in and get as much fluid out as possible then to go home feeling like I have been and have to have this repeated. Even though I knew this is what was best, mentally it was a struggle to lay there, not moving with this thing going through me.

Finally the fluid stopped draining and the nurse came in to remove it. Like going in, there were places that hurt more as it came out. Even once it was laying on a table next to me, I felt like I could still feel every inch of where it had just been in my body. That turned out to last a few days, but healed quickly. After it was all said and done, just under two liters of fluid were removed. Almost immediately I started feeling better. I was able to breath much easier and the pressure on my stomach, sort of like I had just eaten a really big meal even though I hadn't been able to keep food down in almost three days, was gone. After waiting another half an hour for the IV medications to finish dripping their way into my veins, it was time to go home. Walking was a bit uncomfortable and I was slightly light headed, but overall I still felt better than when I had arrived. On the drive home is when I really noticed a huge difference in how my pants fit (the fact that they suddenly did) and how much more comfortable it was just sitting up, and it made me grateful for having gone through it. It's not an experience I would ever want to repeat, but it is one that I can honestly say was a huge relief once it was done. 

It is now Monday the 27th and I am feeling almost 100% back to normal. I haven't gotten sick once since having the fluid drain and my breathing is completely back to normal. I have also lost 18lbs since Friday and my clothes finally fit again. Not all of the fluid was released during the procedure, but the medications that they gave me allowed me to (never ending) pee the rest away. 

So I promise that I will try to finish writing the story of my embryo transfer because that was an experience all on it's own. Until then, please forgive me for getting so behind and making you wait so long for updates.

OHS

I am sorry that I have once again fallen behind on posting, but I have developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome and have been really sick. I returned to my doctor's office yesterday and she did not feel as though my shortness of breath, pain and vomiting was bad enough to go to the hospital, but instead gave me some IV medications in her office. They made me feel a little better yesterday, but today the pain and vomiting have returned and I am just not feeling very strong. 

I keep praying this was all worth it and we end up with two healthy babies in the end.

Pain following egg retrieval.

The day after my egg retrieval was for the most part, not too bad. I woke up that morning feeling really swollen and sore, almost as if I had done a million sit ups the night before. Because I didn't have  to work that day I spent the majority of the time laying in bed. I hardly felt any pain at all and I started to believe that the recovery process for the procedure was going to be quite simple. That was until I was laying down that night to go to bed and I started getting the most sever cervical pain I have ever experienced. It was almost like someone had their hand around it and was squeezing it for all they were worth. I know, TMI.  I couldn't sit up, lay down or move without the pain intensifying. When I finally did manage to get out of bed, I noticed that my pajamas felt a bit tight. Because the scale sits right next to the bathroom, I decided to step on to see what was going on. Because of my chances of developing OHS, I knew I needed to keep a close eye on my weight. 

When I got on the scale I was horrified to see that I had gained almost 12lbs in a single day. I know I at  this point I should have contacted my doctor, but because it was about midnight, there wasn't much I could do. There would be no point in going to the emergency room where no one would be able to speak English and understand what was going on. So I went back to bed, found that the only comfortable position I could get into was curling up into a tight ball and tried for hours to get a little rest. I was finally able to fall asleep just after the sun started to creep it's way into my windows.

By the next morning things had calmed down a bit and the pain was almost to a tolerable level. I got up and walked around a bit and felt fairly comfortable. I knew there wasn't any way I was going to be able to get out of work so I got dressed and got everything that I would need ready. The two classes that I had went really smoothly and the pain stayed at a decent level. I started to think that maybe the pain from the night before was caused by one of the medications given to me. The unapproved Korean version of Viagra. I mean it is suppose to cause tightening of other body parts right? 

Anyway that night was the high school's first prom like dance and I had agreed to chaperon. Thankfully there were plenty of other teachers on hand so I didn't end up having to do much. After standing around talking for an hour or so, I headed up to the roof to talk with two other teachers that were already up there. I was having a great time talking and laughing until out of no where the pain returned tenfold. I did all I could to come up with and excuse to leave then dragged myself back down to my room. By the time I got there I was screaming in pain into my pillow and had no idea what was going on. The pain came in waves and when it was at it's worst I was screaming for Jeff to do something. He desperately wanted to take me to the hospital but I was so afraid that if I went in, they would cancel our cycle and this round of IVF would be over just like that. 

Now I am not suggesting to ANYONE that they take these same actions at all. If you are in pain, contact your doctor! 

Thankfully because of the many past surgeries I have undergone, I had some strong pain medication that I could try taking. It took roughly thirty minuets to finally kick in, but once it did, the pain was once again at a manageable level. This time however I found that I could only get comfortable if I sat with my chest on the bed and my butt up in the air. Yah I know, not the best position, but it seemed to take the pressure off of my cervix. 

Once again by the next morning the pain had almost disappeared and I was feeling much better. The scale had gone down by about six pounds and I was feeling only slight cramping. That morning happened to be our transfer day and I promised Jeff that I would discuss all of my symptoms with the doctor once I arrived at the hospital. Unfortunately I never got a chance to do that, but she looked me all over and did an ultrasound right before implantation and didn't seem to see anything worry some. 

So for now, I am still resting and the pain is completely gone. I will post another blog about my actual transfer as soon as I am able. 

I am really sorry these past two blogs are coming so late, but blogging was the last thing I was in the mood to do these past few days.

Egg Retrieval (sorry it's a long one)

Wednesday was my egg retrieval and in may ways, it was exactly what I had expected. The pain was almost as bad as I had imagined and the experience was overall, very Korean.

Because our appointment wasn't until 9:00, our morning did not start off any earlier than normal. Unfortunately after getting very little sleep the night before, it still felt very early. While Jeff got our son off to school, I made a quick Skype call to my parents. We didn't get to talk long because before I knew it, it was time to head to the fertility hospital.

 Once we arrived, I was surprised to see that it wasn't as busy as I had expected. During my IUI, it was standing room only. This time there was maybe two dozen people there. After a quick check in, I was asked to go into the injection room for two shots in the hip. I have no idea what they were, but I do know the second one burned and left quite a large bruise.

A short time later the nurse came to escort me to the room behind the lab. 
As a side not I have to say how much I love that the lab is all open with windows that you can look in and see everything happening. 
Jeff was following behind thinking that he would be allowed to hold my hand through the procedure, but once we got to the door, the nurse asked him to go back to the other room. I was so upset that I was going to have to go through this alone that I started to cry. The IVF journey is such an emotional roller coaster as it is, to have to go through the major aspects of it alone felt so isolating and scary.
 Once in the back room, I was asked to change with another women into a small Korean sized robe. This other women ended up being a true gift from God and a life saver through out the process. Originating from Korea, she moved to Australia some years ago and spoke perfect English. We ended up hitting it off right away and quickly became each others support person. Each time the nurse came out to talk to us she would translate her instructions, but more importantly she was just someone to talk to. We talked about our fears of the process, our anxiety of being without our husbands and our overall excitement to get it over with.
A nurse then came out and lined us up in order on a set of chairs and told us that once the women in front of us was called in, we were to get up and empty our bladders and wait to be called. She also asked for the little pills that we were to bring with us for them to insert after the procedure was over. I had left mine with my husband in my purse thinking that he would be there with me. I tried to explain this to the nurse so she could run out and get him, but she didn't understand. Instead she told ME to go get him. Me, in this bathrobe that barely went to my waist was suppose to walk out in front of everyone in the waiting room to try and find my husband. Thankfully I found a blanket that I could wrap around myself to at least feel a little less exposed. As soon as I rounded the corner to the waiting room, the receptionist looked up and ran over trying to push me back into the other room. LOL apparently a not so skinny American walking around half naked was not appropriate lol. Anyway she told me my husband was busy doing his part and that she would bring me my bag back when he was done.
  As I sat back down and looked around to the six women sitting ahead of me in line, I could see that we were all trembling. As women who had already finished with their retrievals came out, some were crying and walking in pain while others were looking as if they just had a restful nap. We were all crossing our fingers for the well rested look when we finished!
Soon it was time for my new found friend to be called into the back. I said good luck to her and that I would be thinking of her through out her procedure. While she was in the next room, I got up to use the restroom. As soon as I shut the small door behind me I started to cry. I was scared and more than a little creeped out. On the floor of the bathroom were many drops of blood from women who had gone before us. At least now I know why they make us put on the little slippers. The sight of the blood made me nervous, and grossed out. Blood and things like that are just not feared like that like in the US and often times you run into what we would consider very unsanitary conditions. (ex. in a public bathroom you do not flush any toilet paper, instead
you place it in an open trash can next to the toilet.)
After using the restroom, I returned to my spot on the chair, waiting for my name to be called. This was one wait I wasn't looking forward to be over with. While I sat there I tried to imagine all of the beautiful, healthy eggs that we were going to get today and the beautiful baby or babies that I might be able to hold in my arms.
Unfortunately those warm fuzzy thoughts didn't last long because it was now my turn. A nursed dressed in blue scrubs from head to toe came out to get me. We walked behind the first set of doors and through a small glass door where the dreaded chair with stirrups awaited. No comfy bed for me to lay on, just a leather chair that was still wet from the disinfectant they had use after the last patient. At least I am hoping it was disinfectant!
Anyway as I got into position, my doctor came to talk to me. She explained that they would give me an injection that would calm me down and take away most of the pain. The procedure itself would not take very long and if I watched the large monitor on the wall, I would be able to see the eggs as they collected them.
So now I am up in the chair with about six men and women walking around looking at me when they drop a pretty pink curtain from the ceiling that blocks my view from anything taking place below the waist. A nurse came over and tried to find a good vein to inject what looked to be an awful small amount of medication into my arm. As she did it, I told her that it felt as though she had missed the vein. I have terrible tiny veins that tend to roll away at the sight of a needle. She tried to reassure me that the medication was in and I should start to feel a bit dizzy and sleepy soon. That feeling never came once during the procedure.
Instead I felt EVERYTHING!! I initially felt the first injection of the medication that was suppose to "numb" the area, and then I felt every needle go into each follicle as she collected our precious eggs. I tried so hard to watch the monitor because looking at those tiny eggs was like looking at our future children, but the pain was just too much. As I began to cry out that it was really hurting, the nurses came to hold me hands and told me not to cry. I wonder if they have ever had a one foot long, seventeen gauge needle inserted into their vagina over and over again? If so, I doubt they would have told me to stop crying.
After they finished with the first side and injected the second numbing medication into the right, I was almost begging for it to be over. I again felt the needle pass through my vaginal wall and into my ovaries. The doctor who then stated that I seemed to be in more pain then most women ordered a second injection of pain medication into my arm. This one finally started to work, just as she was finishing.
The entire process from start to finish took about five or six minuets, but I honestly think the trauma of it all will last a lot longer. That's something that no women should ever have to go through unsedated and alone!
As soon as the doctor was finished, they lead me back through the glass doors and into a room with 14 beds lining the walls. I was told to lay down for at least an hour to recover before getting dressed and talking with the doctor. To my relief the women who I had been talking to in the waiting room was now laying next to me. She was also crying, but nothing compared to my embarrassing reaction in there. It didn't help at all when she said that her and the other women could hear me crying through the door and she felt so bad that I was hurting so much. I asked her if the medication they had given to her had taken away her pain but she said she still felt quite a bit and kept asking when it would be over. Even though we both knew that this is the step that we needed to take to hopefully bring our children into the world, we both agreed that we didn't think we would ever do it again.
We would not find out the number or eggs they had collected until after we were dressed and went out to talk to the doctor, so instead we just layed there next to each other trying to guess.
After some much needed time to collect ourselves, it was finally time to get dressed.  Before we were allowed to leave the room however, we all had to make sure that we could use the restroom without any problems to make sure that the needle did not perforate our bladders. Now they tell us this is a possibility!
After no issues with the bathroom, we all got dressed and painfully walked out to the receptionist to pay for the procedure. Because I told my husband to go back to the school and pick me up when we were done, I did not have my credit card to pay. Thankfully the wonderful women behind the desk simply said to come in and pay later. It's not as though I would have never come back, they now had my eggs is their possession.
We were then given a list of medications we were to go to the pharmacy and pick up. Thankfully the pharmacy being in the basement of the building makes everything very convenient. Once again I did not have enough money to pay for all of my medications. I had no idea that we would be getting that many! The cost came to almost 200 US dollars and I had only 100 with me. The pharmacist then told me the same thing as the women upstairs, to just come back and pay the rest later. When in the US would that ever happen!
Once we were back upstairs, we were all brought into the injection room for a tutorial of the medications and how to take them and another injection of antibiotics. My new friend was wonderful in translating the many instructions that came with everything. Then we were each given a piece of paper with the number of eggs they had collected on it. My friend got hers first and we celebrated her 11 eggs. Then I was given my paper and our eyes both widened as we saw the number 20 on the page. 20 eggs, more than the doctor had ever expected to retrieve from me. Even though she could see at least 15 follicles, we figured most would be empty or not mature like usual. Because of the high number of eggs, it was explained to me that I now had a much higher chance of developing Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. (http://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/Ovarian-Hyperstimulation-Syndrome.htm)
 I was told that for the next week I had to watch for any signs of swelling, weight gain, more than 5lbs a day, pain and difficulty breathing.
Here is a photo and a list of all the medication given to me. 

1. Vaginal Progesterone (inserted once every morning)

2. Metformin (taken with every meal)        

3. Mirodenafil HCI (Not approved in the US, pill like Viagra inserted every 12 hours)

4. Dostinex (to help with the OHS taken after dinner)

5. Pack of 8 pills, never told what they were (taken after dinner)

6. Prenatal vitamin (taken every night

 7. Fish Oil (taken every night)

8. Progesterone (taken with every meal)

 9. Baby Aspirin (taken after dinner)

10. Syringe for injecting Ovidrel (every other day  until May 30th)

So now that it is over I can honestly say that I am happy that I went through it. Even though the pain in the days to follow have been extreme and intense, it was worth it. I know this is our best chance to welcome the child, or children that are missing from our family.

If I had to give advice to anyone going through this it would be to make sure you have a strong support system. This is such an overwhelming emotional experience, you really need someone to talk to, cry with or just be there. Know that you have done everything possible to get to this point and celebrate however many eggs they were able to retrieve. You worked so hard to make each and every one of them. Even if they do not fertilize or grow to be used, celebrate them now. I pray for anyone going through this that you have an easier time during the surgery part, but that you all have wonderful outcomes and healthy babies!!

         

I'm so sorry!!

I am so sorry that I have not put my actual egg retrieval blog on here yet. I have been in a great deal of pain and have only worked on it here and there. I promise it will be up later today.

Twas the night before egg retrieval......

Twas the night before egg retrieval and all through the house,

not a person was stirring, not even the mouse.  

The pillows were stacked on the bed with great care,

in hopes that a drug induced sleep would soon take place there.

My husband and son were all snug in their beds,

 while visions of a new baby danced in their heads.  

With my husband in his boxers and I in my sweats, 

I had just settled my brain for a stress induced rest.

When next to the bed arose such a clatter,

 I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the nightstand I flew in a flash,

                               and threw down on the alarm clock with a great crash.

The sun barely risen through the window I see,

Gave the feeling of nervousness all throughout me. 
When what to my wondering eyes should finally focus on,

 but a cup full of coffee that I am not allowed a sip from.

 With my husband now ready with the keys to the van,

 I knew in a moment the day of egg retrieval was finally at hand.

 More rapid then eagles the nerves how they came, 

as I yelled out every curse word and called my husband every bad name.

  In the waiting room with time now standing still, 

 I am called back for more injection, oh what a thrill.

Into the small room where I'm then asked to dropped my pants,

feeling shaky and nervous, my skin crawling with ants.

Next I am asked to walk to the room in the back,

my husband being told to stay behind now looked as if he could attack. 

Next to me other women sat dressed in their robes of pink,

the only thing I wanted was to puke into the sink.

 

Soon came the nurse to bring me into the retrieval room,

and I began praying this will go quick and be over soon.

The doctor all smiles looked sunny and merry,

her nice green scrubs smelling quite sanitary. 

Soon came the needles and all of the pain, 

as I lay there crying and screaming in shame.

The nurses so reassuring gave a nod of her head,

not subsiding the pain or the feelings or dread.

She spoke barely a word as she went on with her work,

telling me to stop crying I wanted to call her a jerk. 

Finally it's over and I can go to recovery,

guessing with another women home many eggs their might be.  

Walking for the first time was not my idea of fun,

but finding out that we got 20 eggs felt like the lottery had been won! 

Two days I now wait by the phone with great anticipation, 

waiting to find out our day for re-implantation.

I hope you enjoyed my retrieval story,

I hope it wasn't to shocking or too gory. 

Just think of your eggs because oh what a sight,

Happy retrieval to all and to all a good night. 

By:Ryann Martin