21 weeks and 6 day pregnant with a baby........???

Finally I have time to sit and write this post. Too bad it's only because my son has the stomach flu and we are laying low at home today.

Anyway I know a lot of you have been waiting a long time for me to finally announce what the gender of our baby is. I was going to post all of the gender tests that we had tried, but I know that would make this post way too lengthy, so instead I am just going to list our favorites. If you would like to know what other tests we tried, just write me and I'll send you a list.

The first gender predictor that we tried was the Intelligender test. It is a first morning urine test that you can buy online or at any local Rite Aid or Walgreen's.

 (We picked ours up at Rite Aid for about 40$).

 You take the test by collecting your First Morning urine in a small cup then retrieving 20ml in the  syringe provided. You then remove the sticker on the top of the bottle, and inject the urine. Do not replace the sticker when you are done. Then you simply swirl the bottle for 10 second and then leave on a flat, WHITE, surface for 5 minuets. If the color turns dark green it is a boy result. If the color turns an orange it is a girl result. Here are photos from the test I took.

As you can see it is clearly a girl result. So that's  
  Girl 1     Boy 0

Lunar Age of Mother Lunar Month of Conception  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9 10 11 12 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45

The next one we tried was the Chinese Gender Cart. This is a simple, online chart that is based on your Lunar age and time of conception. 

Because there are so many different versions of this "ancient" test, I decided to Google the top rated and most accurate sights. This is the sight that came up in most of my searches.  http://www.chinesegenderchart.info/ 

What I like most about his sight was that it has an easy conversion on their page to find your lunar age, which is different from your "normal" age. Just type in your Birthday and month of conception and you will be given your lunar age for the entire year. For me and my conception month, my lunar age is 33 and if you go to the chart, look at the age 33 then over to the 6th month,

 the result is a girl.

 Girl 2     Boy 0


 The next predictor that we tried was based on the number of beats per minute of the baby's heart rate. The old wives tale states that if your baby's heart rate is between 120 to 150bpm, then your baby is a boy. If the heart rate is faster than 150bpm, then that indicates a girl.

At our first appointment, our babies heart rate was 165 beats per minuet and that would suggest a girl result, but we were told that in the first few months of pregnancy, a babies heart rate is faster then it's "normal" heart rate. We were told that we should wait until we were in our second trimester to do determine what our baby's "normal" heart rate would be. So at our second appointment our babies heart rate was at 126bpm and our doctor even suggested that she would have to guess that the baby would be a boy. 

  

 Girl 2  Boy 1

However, when we went to the hospital a few days later because I was bleeding, our babies heart rate was 156bpm and at our third ultrasound the baby's heart beat was almost the same at 159bpm. So that would indicate a Girl result. 

  

Girl 3  Boy 1

It was at this ultrasound that we also found out for sure what the gender of our baby is. The ultrasound technician was so amazing and was very good about keeping the secret from Jeff, my Mom and myself. The only person she told was my son, Tyson. He was going to keep it a secret until we got home that night where he could announce it to all of our family at once. In reality he lasted about 3 seconds before we all knew what the baby was. 

Before I get to reveling the gender, here are a few photos from that day's ultrasound. 

This was my favorite photo. Giving us all the thumbs up.

So now it's time to finally reveal the gender of our little miracle. The newest member of the Gordon Family is Drum roll please.............

Baby Girl Gordon should be joining our family around March 9, 2013!!!! We are all so excited and can not wait for her to get here!!

Congratulations to all those who guess right!!!

Gender Post

I am working on the gender post and it should be up soon. :) I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow so I will probably post it when I get home. That way I can include anything new from that too. Sorry for making everyone wait so long. :)

Saying Goodbye........

I'm sorry that this post has taken me so long. I just couldn't seem to find a good moment to sit down and write it. Having to find out what the sex of our baby was the day after saying goodbye to my Mother-in-law was really emotional and hard. When I first found out we were pregnant I prayed that she would be able to hold on long enough to hold this new precious baby. When I realized that was not going to happen, I changed my prayers to ask God that she would he able to hold on long enough for us to tell her what we are having. In a way I knew that too would not happen. She joked with me the last time I talked with her that she would find out what our baby was before we would, and I know she did just that. I know she was in heaven looking down on us, jumping with joy once she found out too. 

 At the same time I was grieving her loss, I was also filled with a huge since of peace knowing that she is now in heaven holding onto our little angel that we had to say goodbye to. I know that our precious baby is being loved so much by her and that makes it easier to let them both go. There will always be a since of emptiness and sadness at their loss, but an even greater feeling of joy knowing that they're together in a place where they will only feel love. I know that Jeri is now with her husband and the rest of her family, finally without pain. She is finally free of the cancer that hurt her for so many years and finally able to spread the joy that filled her heart. So even though we may be sad at having the people we love not with us, knowing that they are in a place of pure happiness and love makes it easier. 

Tyson knows his baby brother or sister is safe and happy with his Nana and Grampy and they are all watching over him and this new baby. He talks of them often and we will always make sure to find a special way to remind both of our children about the ones in heaven, loving them from above.

We love you Jeri, Terry and Baby Bibbelmin!!!!!!!

Gender post might be late.

I will try to post the gender tests we did end up taking. I found most online since we didn't get much of a response on our blog. I am hoping to have it done before we go for our ultrasound on Wednesday, but we are all going through a lot right now. My Mother In Law passed away on Friday the 5th and we are focusing on being together as a family. It has been just over a year since we lost my Father In Law and even though we are trying to remember to find joy in knowing they are together again, it is hard being without them. I hope you understand if the next few posts come late. 

Rest in Peace together. We love you both and will always miss you!!

Scary Sunday

This baby is going to make sure I stay on my toes all the time!! This morning I woke up to find that I started bleeding. As soon as I saw it, I screamed for Jeff who came running. I tried to stay calm because our son was standing in the hall, but I didn't do such a good job at that. I started crying and praying to God that our baby was alright. I couldn't think as to what I should do, so I grabbed the phone and called my Mom. She told me to get dressed and go to the hospital right away. I know I should have called my doctor first, but panic set in and I just wanted a doctor to see me ASAP. The thought of having to drive the hour to our doctor's office and not know if our baby was still alive just wasn't an option for me. So my Mom rushed over to stay with Tyson and Jeff and I headed up to the hospital.

When we got there we had a short wait before the nurse came out to get us. She took us into the ER where she asked a bunch of questions, took my blood pressure, temperature and heart rate. She went over our medical history with our last pregnancy and after what seemed like forever, finally got us into one of the ER rooms. I changed into the gown while Jeff sat beside me. He was pale and nervous and I then realized we were in the same room he had been in with his Mother earlier in the week. His Mother is dying of cancer and he had to check her into the hospital. So here I was sitting in the ER, crying and wondering if our baby was alright and his Mom was in the opposite end of the hospital getting ready to say goodbye to us. As scared as I was, I also felt a huge weight of guilt thinking that I was only adding to his stress.

After a while the doctor finally came in and told me that if I was loosing the baby, there wasn't much that could be done. Again I started to cry and just prayed that everything would be fine. They asked for my blood type in case I should start to hemorrhage and told me that there was very little they could actually do. They would check my blood levels to see if I still had a high amount of HCG hormone and to make sure I didn't have some sort of infection. They would also do an internal exam to check to see if my cervix was thinning/dilating, but that was about all they could do at this hospital. 

Our town hospital is not equip with any sort of OB care so this made it difficult in treating me. I knew this going in, but I thought for sure they could at least check on our baby. That's when Jeff asked if they could at the very least listen for a heartbeat. The doctor agreed and the nurse set out to find a Doppler. It took quite a while for them to even find one and even longer for the nurse to find our babies heartbeat, but it was there. Our baby's heart was beating strong and loud in the 150's and that's when I knew our baby was still alive. That's all I cared about and listening to that sound was a feeling that I can not describe. Relief, joy and emotions that I just don't have words for flooded through me. I knew then that everything was going to be alright.

After finding our babies heartbeat and the doctor reassuring us that he believed that everything was fine, I told Jeff to go down and check on his Mom. The doctor would call him back if we needed him, but I knew that he needed to be with her more. So he went down and I waited to have my blood drawn and exam done. 

Thankfully everything turned out to be just fine. Our baby is still with us, praise GOD and the bleeding stopped. I am laying low today and probably for the next few days until our regular OB tells me what she wants me to do. I will call tomorrow when I know they are in the office, unless the bleeding should start again. 

Today was a very scary day and made me realize that anything really can go wrong at any time. I can not wait until this baby is finally born into my arms where I can try to keep him/her safe. I feel so helpless right now with baby inside my stomach where I can't do anything to help him/her if need be. I know praying to God to keep our baby safe will also keep me sane for the next 5 months! Hopefully that time goes by quickly and our baby will join our family and be with us for the rest of our lives.

16 week appointment

We went in for our 16 week and 5 day appointment yesterday and so far so good. Everything looks great with baby. Nice strong heartbeat (120bpm), growing right on track, low blood pressure and urine came out fine. Our doctor did prescribe some new medication to try and help with the nausea and vomiting, but once again that just means baby is growing healthy. We also had more blood work done to check for any signs of down syndrome, but even if something abnormal comes up, we are already in love with our baby just the way he/she is!

Side effects this week have been morning/night sickness that just doesn't want to give up, being tired, headaches (but nothing that I can't easily manage), sore breasts that are already leaking (oh the joys of pregnancy) and a growing tummy (big smile). 

I do have to admit that I am a bit on the down side seeing as no one is responding to what I thought would be a fun post. I guess I pictured lots of people from different backgrounds listing all the old wise tales they had learned about guessing the gender of a baby and then putting them to the test. My family and I have been having fun doing the few that we know of, but the lack of response by anyone else makes me sad. I am just starting to wonder if my blog is worth doing anymore. Is anyone really reading this? Is it helping anyone or at the very least providing a bit of entertainment? I guess that's the chance you take when starting something like a blog. Oh well, I have fun doing it. It gives me a way of looking back and seeing how far we have come. It was not an easy journey and I am truly blessed that we are at the point of being able to share our joys of being pregnant.

Time for some fun!!!

Anyone who has read my last few entries knows that I have been really stressing over every aspect of this pregnancy. The majority of my posts have been about things that I am worried about and I thought it was time to change that. It's time for some fun!!! 

I need everyone's help with this one so please, please leave a comment below to help us out. I want to know any and every way that you know of to predict a babies gender. I know of a few, but I would really like to know of other fun ways that we can try to predict what we are having. I went out today and bought an IntelliGender test and that will be our first try at predicting if this baby is a boy or a girl. I will do each and every one of the tests left for us (as long as it is safe) and I will write a post on the results for each. So get out your old wise tales, gender tests and charts and  help us to have some fun with this baby and try to help us guess what we might be having. We will find out for sure if if this baby is a boy or a girl on October 10th so make sure you leave your comments before then. 

I am also going to add a poll to our blog so everyone can leave their guess as to what we are having. I hope everyone has as much fun with this as we are hoping to.

Repeat C-Section or VBAC?

I never imagined that making the decision on how we would bring our next child into the world would be such an enormous struggle. From the moment I gave birth to my son I knew that I wanted to try again at having a vaginal birth, but after my doctor came into my room and told me that he would never allow me to go through another labor, I figured that the decision had been made for me. 

Fast forward almost 7 years and the decision is no longer that simple. I don't want someone making the choice for me, my body or my child. 

When I gave birth to my son I completely trusted in the doctors and the hospital to make the best decisions for me and my unborn son. I believed they had my best interests in mind and would be there to support my birth plan. Now I feel as though I was given unreasonable expectations that required me to labor, progress and deliver under their time frame. I never felt that my child or my life was at risk or that I could not handle the stresses of labor and yet I was told that after 15 hours, my time have been reached and that a c-section was my only option. I was scared, confused and felt so defeated. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I could not give birth to my son the way I was meant to. I was told that he was under stress and that I had no time to even talk over my options with my husband. 

Within minutes I was being wheeled down to the OR with no one I knew at my side. My epidural was removed and painfully a spinal was put in it's place. I was strapped down so that I could not move my arms and a sheet was placed just below my chin so that I could not see anything happening to me. Finally my husband came in and held my hand. I couldn't see his face, but knowing he was there helped so much. 

After a few moments I felt some strong tugging and finally the cries of my baby. My baby!! Really, I just had a baby! I could not see him and no one held him up for me to see. Was he really mine? Did he really just come out of me or was it some rabbit in the hat trick being performed behind the curtain? 

Finally after they unstrapped my arms I was able to move the curtain enough that I could see my son laying on the table, surrounded in nurses drying him off, putting on his little hat and his first diaper. He was scared, he wanted to be held, he grabbed onto the nurse's scrubs and she had to pull his little hand free so she could keep working. He was reaching out for someone to comfort him and he was pulled off. 

After what seemed like hours he was finally wrapped up and given to my husband. He was right next to me and yet I could only see the very top of his nose. When one of the nurses realized that I could not see him, she took him from my husband and held him so that I could see his tiny face and give him the kiss I had been waiting for months to give him. After a quick family photo, he was gone. I yelled at my husband to go with him so that he would not be alone and then they were both gone. I was laying on a table where no one was talking to me, no one was telling me what was going on and I was sad. I wanted to be with my husband and son. Where was he going? What were they doing to him? 

Another hour passed as the doctors stitched my broken body back together, no word on how my son was doing. I was moved from the table onto a bed and wheeled into recovery. There were two nurses in the room talking to themselves, no one to tell me where my son was. By the grace of God, Jeff came into the room just when I felt like I was about to loose myself. He told me that our son weighed 6lbs 15ozs and was doing great. I asked the nurse if I could see my baby. begging just to be able to hold him. Finally she agreed that Jeff could bring him to me. 

A few minutes later my husband and my son came into the room. Tyson was in one of those plastic bassinets wrapped up in a blanket and alone. When he was finally placed into my arms I never wanted to let him go. I finally got to really look at him. His tiny features and his wisps of curly red hair. Red hair? Wait are you sure this is my son? Jeff assured me that it was and I was in love. I wanted to try to nurse him right away, but instead he was placed back into the plastic bed by the nurse and was taken back to the nursery. Why? Why couldn't I keep my son with me? Why did he have to go back there only to be alone?

 

After I left recovery I was wheeled into my own room at the very end of the hall. Jeff was starting a new college class the next day and asked if he could go home to sleep. He has a huge fear of hospitals so I knew how hard it would be for him to stay. Before he left I asked if any of our family was still there and he said that they had all gone home. He kissed me goodbye and once again I was alone. 

It was another 6 hours before my son was placed back into my arms. SIX HOURS!!! He came in the room crying to be feed and held. The nurse who handed him to me told me to nurse him for about 20 minutes then she would come back and get him. I looked right at her and told her that there was no way anyone was taking him away from me again. She went on to tell me that I needed my rest blah blah blah. I told her that the only thing that I needed was my son and he needed me. They would have to get someone in the room to tear him from my arms if they ever wanted him back. She rolled her eyes and told me that she didn't care, she was off in another hour and the next nurse could deal with me. 

My son was finally where he belonged, in my arms, against my heart. I wanted to study every piece of my new baby. His eyes, nose, mouth, ears, fingers, toes. I couldn't get enough of this tiny person. I held him against my chest, talked to him, sang to him and loved him. He never left my side until the following day when I went into shock because of a medication allergy. After I recovered from that, he never left my arms again.

I don't want to go through that this time around. I don't want to be left in a room alone, wondering where my baby is. Waiting for hours on end for someone to bring me my child. This is the reason why I really want to try the VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Although now it is called a TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean). How encouraging is that, "a trial of labor", it sounds like they are expecting women to fail. 

During my first appointment I discussed my thoughts of a vaginal birth with my new doctor and while they both supported the idea, I was given a slew of scary facts that still pointed to a safer delivery being in a repeat c-section. 

After reading everything they gave me, I decided to do my own research online. Wow, there are some scary things out there on the web!! I am finding it really hard to find actual facts instead of personal opinions on the matter. Most people are so pro one and so against the other that it is hard to find bias opinion. I know there are risks with both options, but what is the right one for me. 

I know this is a VERY personal decision but I am asking for your help. If you are reading this and you know of someone who has gone through one or the other, please share their experience. If you know of a good place for me to get real facts, list them. If you have gone through one or both ways of birthing your child, please let me know what helped you make the decision. If you had a repeat c-section was the recovery time better or worse than your first? 

At my next appointment I am going to go over everything that I can with my doctor, but I am hoping to have more facts or questions for him then I do now. I want to know the likely hood of complications with both options. I also want to know that if I decide to do the repeat c-section, is there a way that I can keep my child with me the entire time if the baby is healthy. I have a lot to discuss and I hope that I can make the best choice for me, my family and my child. The stress of thinking I might choose wrong is just so overwhelming at this point.

15 weeks 3 days pregnant!

First I want to start by saying that I am sorry for being MIA for the past few weeks. I wanted so much to keep an updated blog about this pregnancy and yet I keep falling behind. Things have been wonderful around here, well other than the almost constant nausea and vomiting. 

I want to quickly recap the past few weeks before getting into the present. First off we finally told our family that we are expecting!! It was perfect and exactly what I had imagined. We started off by inviting our family over for a "back to school" party for our son who is now in the 1st grade. While everyone was having fun decorating school folders and talking, I snuck into our bedroom and pulled out a big box wrapped up for our son. Here is a video of what happened next.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A79LXflnxQY&feature=plcp

I am sorry that I am not able to upload the video directly, but for some reason it's not working. 

Anyway, everyone was very surprised and excited. My Mom started crying and jumped up to give me a hug. I really thought my parents knew what was going on, but they said they had no idea. Who knew our surprise was truly a surprise! Once our son finally understood what it meant, he was thrilled, unfortunately his very first question for us was, "is this baby going to die too?" I can't tell you how much it broke my heart to know that he was already worried about that. We sat down and explained to him that this baby has a very strong heartbeat and that the doctor said that everything looked perfect. I told him that the only thing we can do is to stay healthy ourselves and to keep praying to God every night to keep our baby strong and healthy, growing in our love and God's strength. 

The last few weeks have been spent getting use to Tyson being in school full time and not being there to see him throughout the day. I don't think there has been a day yet that I have not cried because I just plan miss him. We have also been working really hard on the rest of our remodel on our house. The ceilings are now void of popcorn smoothed and painted, our new dining room table is finally here and set up, the walls are painted, the trim is almost done, the new mail box is in place, the new doors are hung and waiting for door knobs, the new built in entertainment center is almost finished and the hardwood floors are almost looking new again. Hopefully once everything upstairs is finished we can finally work on the mud room and the new family/playroom in the basement, freeing up the extra bedroom upstairs for the new nursery. Don't worry I haven't been pushing myself too much, thus the reason why it is taking so long to get everything finished. 

Ok, back to the present, 15 weeks 3 days pregnant. So far my symptoms are about the same. Nausea, vomiting and my energy levels are not quite where they were. The medication that the doctor gave me is helping a lot, but I am still having times in the day where my stomach wants to remind me that it's not quite happy with the flood of hormones coursing through my body. 

 I also find myself crying at the most ridiculous times and at the strangest of events. We decided to take our son to the car races, despite not being big fans of the sport. As soon as the first car crashed I started crying. I just couldn't stop picturing some one's baby sitting behind the wheel of that car, driving at a ridiculous speed and possibly getting hurt for what, a plastic trophy? Anyway, our night was over when I learned that one of the racers, who won by the way, was a 13 year old girl. I can't imagine how hard it must be for her parents to watch her go out there and take such huge risks with her life. She ended up being amazing, but I could only picture this small child behind the wheel being chased by big bad guys in fast cars that could hurt her. Not an event to go to while pregnant! 

Other than that this pregnancy is going great. I am finally starting to grow out of my old jeans, although I am not showing at all. I am trying to find a comfortable pair of maternity pants that work, but so far I'm not having much luck. I think I am just going to stick with the hair elastic through the button hole a little longer. 

Oh some VERY exciting news, I felt the baby move!!! I thought I was feeling something around week 14, but everyone kept telling me that it was far too early to feel anything. Well now I know I am feeling this little jitter bug move! It's mostly when I'm sitting up, but I also feel it at times when I am laying down, just before bed. This baby was so very active during our ultrasound so I'm not too surprised that I am already feeling him/her move. 

Another really fun and exciting aspect of being pregnant is being able to listen to the baby's heartbeat and kicks!! I bought an Angel Sound fertility Doppler on Amazon and once I hit about 14 weeks, I have been able to hear our baby's heartbeat very clearly.  I love this one because I am also able to hook it  up to an external speaker which allows everyone to join in on the fun. My son has asked me to listen to the baby every night before going to bed so he can check to make sure the baby is alright. He loves when we hear the baby kick or roll and he thinks that his baby brother/sister is already starting to play with him. I can not wait until Tyson can feel our baby moving on the outside. I know we have a long way to go before that, but I know it will be a very special event. I would defiantly recommend this product to anyone expecting a baby! Not only for peace of mind, but also as a way for your husband or partner to feel more connected to the tiny baby they can not yet feel. Just remember that it may not work for everyone in the early weeks and if the baby rolls over so that it's facing away, it's heartbeat can be harder to hear. In the early weeks and months there is a lot of room for baby to move so don't get scared if you can not find your baby in the same spot as last time. Some days it takes me a long time to find where our little one is hiding while other days it seems to be waiting right under my belly button.

Here are the photos that I promised from our first ultrasound and I will also try to post pictures of my growing belly as soon as I can find something to wear that doesn't make me look like I weigh 500lbs.

This is the photo we tied to the baby balloon.

Our First Doctor's Appointment

Yesterday was our first doctor's appointment to check on our tiny miracle. As soon as I woke up in the morning my stomach decided to mutiny against me, leaving me shaking with nerves and running to the bathroom. I'm sure if I had been able to get any sleep the night before things wouldn't have been quite so bad, but that didn't happen. I was either up having to use the bathroom or awakened by horrible dreams. I know strange dreams almost always accompany pregnancy, but so far I have mostly been experiencing unimaginable nightmares. Hopefully now that we got some positive news, these will finally go away. 

Before I knew it, it was time to hit the road and as we were driving the hour south to our appointment, my nerves once again got the better of me and we ended up having to pull over on the side of the road. Finally a public place to get sick, I was almost starting to believe that I might get away with that this time around. Oh well, I am sorry to any persons that were driving by and had to witness my gastrointestinal pyrotechnic display.

We finally arrived at our doctor's office a little past 9am and after filling out more paperwork, leaving a urine sample and getting sick once more, it was time to sit and wait to be called into the back. After what seemed like forever a nurse came out to get us. Right from the start I knew I was going to really like her and after a quick weight check we went into the room with the ultrasound machine. I was so scared just seeing it standing there, looming over us like a fortune teller. Was it going to predict good news or once again bring our world crashing down? Before that though, we had to go over our past few years of history and answer lots of questions. The nurse was so understanding and comforting. She never once made us feel like we were being rushed or that she didn't want to listen to us. She talked with us for almost 20 minutes before finally asking me to change into the gown so we could wait for the doctor. Finally a real GOWN!!! Not one of those skirts hanging on the wall forcing me to question how many other women had worn it before me. Nope, finally a real gown that even still smelled of disinfectant. It was a beautiful thing! 

When the doctor came into the room she immediately told us how sorry she was to hear that we had recently lost a baby and that she would allow us to take as many photos as we wanted of this baby once we knew everything was perfect. She also asked us a bunch of questions before giving me a short physical exam. As soon as she started feeling around on my stomach she said that it definitely felt enlarged and felt to her as though I was about 12 weeks along. Perfect, right where it should be. Just hearing that made me shed a tear or two, but I was mostly able to keep my cool. Then it was time to start the ultrasound. Because she did not know how far along I was, she decided to start with the internal ultrasound. Not the most comfortable thing in the world, but in no time there was a picture of a tiny baby up on the screen. At first Jeff and I did not see any movement at all and the doctor was trying to move things around to see what she needed. We both started to get very scared and I could see the color draining out of Jeff's face. Finally without her even saying anything I saw this little fluttering on the monitor. Barely able to get the words out I asked if that was the heartbeat that I was seeing. "Yes and it is very strong". Yes, she said Yes. Our baby has a heartbeat. A heartbeat that I am now watching, fluttering away. I couldn't begin to hold the tears or the sobs back and it all came out. Our baby is alive, strong and doing great. THANKS BE TO GOD!!!!! 

I looked over at Jeff who was still having a hard time seeing it, but he held my hand and I knew everything was in that moment, perfect. We were only moments into the ultrasound when our doctor got a call that a women was in labor upstairs in the hospital and the baby's hear rate and stats were dropping fast. I started praying for the mother as she told us to just sit and relax until another doctor could come in and take over for her. As soon as she left the room, I started crying even harder. All my fears were finally at ease, our baby is alive. Jeff just held me until I could finally calm myself down. We had about 10 minutes to our self before the next doctor came in to see us. He too was just as wonderful and I could never say enough good things about him. He asked us his own questions then started the ultrasound again. He said we were between 12 and 13 weeks and wanted us to go in for a stronger ultrasound to measure the skin fold on the back of the baby's neck. This test can really only be done in the 12th week of pregnancy so if we didn't do it today, we would loose the window of opportunity. When Jeff asked why we needed a new machine, he explained it as the one we were using was good, like a Kia, good car but the Lexus down the hall was better. Haha finally something Jeff could understand. He printed out our first baby picture and scheduled us for later in the day for the stronger ultrasound. Before we left he spent another 35 minutes talking with us about our concerns, the possibilities of a VBAC verses repeat C-section, and a multitude of issues. One being my overly active stomach. He gave me a prescription for medication but told me that the best thing to use was Vitamin B6 along with Unisom. He said there use to be a pill that could be prescribed with the combination of the two, but it was later taken off the market. I do have to say that I tried it for the first time last night and I had NO issues with nausea or vomiting all day!!! I felt tired but great!!!

Anyway we returned at 1:30 after a nice lunch for our second ultrasound of the day. This machine was a lot bigger and the picture was so much clearer. Instantly we could see our tiny baby happily bouncing around, kicking and waving his/her arms. It was an amazing sight that brought a few more tears to my eyes. We were able to watch the heart beating at 165 BPM, watch as the little legs and arms stretched as far as they could reach and even watch as he or she was rubbing their tiny nose. I watched in amazement for the longest time as the ultrasound tech tried to get the measurements she needed. Fortunately for us, our little jitter bug was not going to sit still long enough for her to do much of anything, forcing the ultrasound to take almost 45 minutes. 

So I am thrilled and so blessed to report that our little baby is doing wonderful. Growing strong in our love and with the grace of God, should be joining our family around March 8th. I will post pictures soon but tomorrow is when we are finally going to be telling our son and family about our little miracle and I want to make sure they are the first to see them. I am beyond excited and I know our son is going to be thrilled. I will try to post the video of us telling him, but videos don't always work for me on here. Until then, thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, they worked!!!

And before I forget, the baby that our first doctor had to rush away to deliver was perfectly healthy, another gift from God.

12 WEEKS Pregnant!!!!

I have made it to 12 weeks!! That means that I am officially into my second trimester! I know I have missed a few weeks posts, but I have been really busy. We are in the middle of a huge remodel on our house.

 Things are still going really good and I finally have my first appointment next Wednesday!! I am both excited and really nervous. So much so that I even went so far as to order a fetal heart doppler to put myself at ease. Hopefully that will arrive on Monday and I can start to listen to our tiny bump's little heart beat.

 I am really excited knowing that as soon as we go to the doctor and know for sure everything is alright, next weekend we might be announcing our wonderful news to our family! I have hated keeping this from them, but I really wanted to make sure everything was going well before we said anything. 

So far my symptoms are about the same. Still getting sick if I go too long without eating something and still tired. Well beyond tired. I am so physically exhausted it is sometimes hard for me to even get out of bed. I think I am starting to get anemic again so I have been really trying to eat a lot of high iron foods the last few days. It seems to be making things better, but hopefully my doctor can prescribe a good iron pill for me. 

Other than that, things are going well. We are working hard at finishing up the remodel on our house so we can get everything back together before our son starts 1st grade! I still can not believe my baby is going to be in the 1st grade. Where did the time go? 

Anyway, that is my update for now. Hopefully I will soon have pictures of our healthy happy little bundle of joy!! (Fingers crossed and praying hard)

9 weeks 6 days pregnant

This post is a really hard one for me. Not because anything is wrong with this pregnancy, I don't want to scare anyone. So far everything is going great. The reason why I am having such a hard time is because I not only hit a huge and painful mild stone, but I have now surpassed it. Last Wednesday I reached the 8 week and 5 days mark. The last time I was 8 weeks and 5 days I  was going in with my family to see our precious little miracle only to see a tiny sleeping baby on the screen. 8 weeks and 5 days I was told that the baby we had tried so hard for, prayed nonstop for and wanted more than words can say had died. There was no warning that something was wrong. No signs that I would never hold this tiny baby in my arms. It was one of the hardest days of my life, surpassed only by our 8 weeks and 6 day mark when we had to forever say goodbye to our baby. The day that I had to let the doctors remove a piece of me. To forever remove a piece of my heart and soul. To leave me empty, confused, in pain and heartbroken. It is a day that I will never forget. It was the last day until I go to Heaven that I was able to see the image of our tiny baby. 

To reach that same date was almost unbearable. To realize that I was the only person to realize what day it was, well that was such an empty, lonely feeling. I spent the entire day reliving moments of that day in my head. Words spoken to me, images that I can never get back, pain that I pray I never have to feel again. It was a day that I curled up and let myself cry, to morn the loss of someone that I love so much but will never have the chance to meet on this earth. 

I have now surpassed that mark and am now at 9 weeks 6 days and while I am so grateful to be at this point, I am also more scared now than ever. I am so scared to be in the same position that I was only a few months ago. I am scared that once I finally go to the doctor, my world will come crashing down around me once more. I am scared this time that I will not be able to put myself back together and that I will forever give up the dream of having another child in my arms. I am scared. 

However my insurance is finally in place and tomorrow I have to find a doctor that will accept me as a new patient. Tomorrow I will have a date set to finally see someone and to finally know how things with this pregnancy are really going. I know I can no longer go on just believing that everything is alright and that no news is good news. I know that it is time, but it doesn't make it any easier. 

Making things worse is that August 15th is less than a week away. August 15th, the day that we should have been welcoming our baby into our arms. Now it is another really hard milestone celebrated only with tears and longing for something that will never be. That day I will watch one of my friends hold her new daughter in her arms. That day I will see first hand what I no longer have. That day my heart will break a little more and my soul will ache a little harder. It's a day that I am going to need lots of prayers to get through. A day that I will forever look on with sadness.

I am sorry I do not have many uplifting happy stories to share from this past week, but it has been a really hard one. Things so far are still going really well. I am getting sick more often, but that is my fault for not eating. As soon as my stomach is empty, it is unhappy. The pain that I was experiencing is completely gone and other than feeling really tired still, I have nothing to complain about. I know finally seeing a doctor will be a really good thing and hopefully put my mind to ease, but until this child is safely in my arms, I don't think I will be able to ever relax during this pregnancy.

8 week update

Today I am technically 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant, but I am going to jump back a week since I missed my 8th week update.


My 8th week started with our family taking a short vacation to Santa's Village in New Hampshire. We had taken our son there when he was about 4, but he really didn't remember too much of it. I was nervous that I would end up getting sick in front of my parents who went with us, but luckily that didn't happen. In fact I only got sick once on our third day there because I took a nap and missed lunch. Normally I am quite loud when I get sick, so trying to be as quiet as possible was not an easy task. After practically running over my husband to get to the bathroom, he knew that I was going to be sick and did a wonderful job distracting our son so he had no idea what was going on.


Thankfully the past week brought about no new symptoms. The pain that I was experiencing disappeared and I started to have a little more energy throughout the day. Other than getting sick that one time, I felt really good. Hopefully this will continue.

Pregnant on Korean Time.

I am really starting to believe that this baby is still running on Korean time. I feel really good throughout the day and as soon as supper time rolls around, I start to feel more sick. It hasn't really been that big of an issue, until last night. No sooner did I finish my last post about not getting sick that I started to really feel ill. I tried to get something to eat, but that didn't work. I tried to drink some milk, but that didn't work. Finally I just went to bed with a cold cloth and hopped to simply fall asleep. That too didn't work and I all too quickly I found myself running for the bathroom. My wonderful husband was so sweet. He jumped out of the way and ran from the room. My hero lol. Thankfully my son was asleep so he didn't hear me. I know if I start getting sick in front of him, I will have to tell him why. He is too smart of a kid to not think that something is going on. 

So there is my quick update for today. I am now in the true morning/night sickness group and loving every second of it. I just pray that being sick means a strong healthy baby.

Today I am also calling around to a few more doctors. I have two that I am really excited about and I really hope they accept me as a new patient. I really don't want to have to go back to the doctor who delivered my son. I don't need to feel humiliated throughout this pregnancy like I was with my son. Fingers crossed that all goes well.

7 weeks, 2 days.

 I am now 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. So far my symptoms for the past week have been about the same. I do get more episodes of nausea, but so far I still have yet to actually get sick. The ovarian type pain that I was experiencing is still there, but no where near as bad as it was last week. Because I still have not found a doctor in our area (very frustrated about this!) I still have yet to go to my first ultrasound to make sure that everything is going as it should. Or to check the number of little beans possibly hiding out in there, although I am still pretty sure it's just one. Hopefully because I will be at the 8 week mark next week, someone will finally agree to see us. Until then, I will keep calling around to all the OBGYN's that I know of in our area. 

I am still tired most of the day, but that too seems to be getting better. I actually made it a few days in a row without having to take a nap. :) Thankfully I had jet lag to blame for most of the tiredness, otherwise I think people would start to question why I have no energy

I am still not having any real craving or food aversions, although I still can't tolerate the smell of our kitty's treats. Our little kidney bean does like food though. The only time I really feel sick is when my stomach is empty. I am trying to find lots of healthy snacks to keep me full throughout the day. I have already put on WAY too much weight since getting home!! Although I think a lot of that is my body's way of responding to all the salt in the food here. I am trying to cook healthy meals, but with the construction going on in our house, we are unable to use the kitchen at the moment. This means takeout and there are not many healthy options here in our small town.

 

My strongest feelings this week are still fear and trepidation. I want to allow myself to completely embrace this pregnancy, but I am still keeping myself somewhat guarded against those "happy" feelings. I do love this baby, that is something that I don't think any mother could avoid, but loving something so much is scary. I am not strong enough to have to say goodbye to another baby. I have caught myself rubbing my stomach a few times, not even realizing I was doing it. Or I will start feeling sick and start negotiating with this little bean to hold on a few more minutes for food. I think I am slowly allowing myself to believe that this baby will someday soon be in my arms, but I'm not fully there yet. 

On a good note and a big step forward for me, I finally figured out how to tell our son and our family that we are pregnant again. I spent so many hours on the Internet searching for ideas and watching videos of other people's pregnancy announcement to find a really creative way of telling everyone at the same time. I am not going to tell you just yet how I am going to do it, but when I tell them, I will post a video of everyone's reaction. Hopefully this will happen in the next week or two. I want to wait until after our first ultrasound to check on our little bean and to make sure there is a nice strong heartbeat. I could write an entire blog on how nervous I am about that first appointment!! 7 weeks is when things started to look not quite right last time.

 If there are any big changes or appointments this week, I will make sure to post before the 8 week mark, otherwise I will write then. Have a wonderful week!!

(I will post a 7 week picture soon)

6 weeks 2 days

Because I am no longer trying to conceive, I am going to start doing weekly pregnancy blog with symptoms, thoughts and feelings and any doctor appointments that I may have. I hope everyone continues to follow us on this journey to bring another member into our family.

So today I am 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant according to a 5 day frozen embryo transfer calculator that I found online. I will not get an exact due date until I have my first doctors appointment and ultrasound to determine more precisely how far along I am. Hopefully we can start calling doctors in our area by next week, after we get our insurance set back up. Also, because I am no longer going to my fertility hospital for obvious reasons, most doctors around here refuse to even see you before 8 weeks. Hopefully after explaining our situation, they will make and exception. (Fingers crossed!)

This week symptoms have included being really tired still and having a ton of bad cramps. The cramps have me really scared at times, but since I am not bleeding at all, I am praying that it's nothing bad. The pain seems to come and go, but today seemed to be a bit worse. The pain feels like it is coming from my ovaries so I'm not sure if I have developed another small cyst. Hopefully it will be that simple.

Surprisingly I have not experienced any real morning sickness so far. I do tend to get a little queasy at night, but nothing enough to cause me to run to the bathroom. I am really enjoying this because my last two pregnancies I threw up constantly starting around 5 weeks. However, at the same time I am nervous that this is a sign that everything is not as it should be. It just seems a little strange to have been so sick the last times and then nothing this time around. 

In line with morning sickness often times different smells can make you feel sick. With my son it was coffee. I couldn't come close to a coffee shop or sit near anyone drinking it. Comically I worked right next door to a coffee shop in the mall and every time I went in our out of my store I had to hold my breath.. With my last pregnancy I could not stand the smell or taste of water. I know, "water has a smell". This time the only thing that has made me feel sick so far was the smell of my cat's treats. They are ocean fish something and as soon as I opened them tonight to give him one, I had to throw the container and wash my hands. Poor Thomas is not going to be happy if I can't give him treats anymore.

As far as feelings go, I am still beyond nervous about this pregnancy. I just want to know that everything is going just as it should, but like I said before, we don't have a doctor that will see us for another 2 weeks. If the pain gets any worse though, I am going to go to my general doctor and see if she can at least order an ultrasound to check on our little miracle.

 I am starting to get more excited at the idea that I am pregnant though. I have let myself brows around on the Babies R Us web site a few times and started thinking of ways to tell our son that we are pregnant again. I have plenty of time before then because I will not tell him until I am into my second trimester at least. I don't want to tell my family still and find something is wrong again. I am not strong enough to go through that again.

So until next week, everything is good for the most part. I am just really anxious to finally go to a doctor to know that everything is alright. Until then, please help pray that everything will in fact be perfect.

3rd Beta and the truth.......please don't hate me....

Today I got a call from the doctor who ordered the last beta test and suggested that I have it redrawn as soon as possible. Thankfully after a few quick phone calls, I was able to get an order for blood work sent up the the local hospital. After only an hour I called to get the results. At 17 days post ovulation and 12 days post transfer, my beta was 183.5. I am still not sure if this is a strong enough number, but I am very hopeful. 

While my numbers are rising and I know that I am pregnant, I am having a surprisingly hard time bonding to this pregnancy. The last time that I found out that I was pregnant, back in December, I started talking to our precious little baby, well to be honest, even before I got the positive result. I had to make a mental note NOT to continuously hold my stomach and yet this time I am almost against all things baby. Yes I know very well how horrid this sounds, but I just can not force myself to feel something that I don't. I know it's not because I don't love this baby, because I do. From the moment I saw the photo of our little embryos, I loved each of them. It's not because I am not excited about being pregnant because this is something we have wanted for SO long. 

I know that if I asked any doctor or shrink, they would tell me that I am feeling this way because I am scared to get too emotionally connected then have something bad happen again. I know this is true because I am still morning our last baby. I still countdown the days to our would have been due date. Still hold the small stuffed animal I bought when I found out. I still hold onto that first photo like it holds all the possibilities in the world. 

I am scared. I am so very scared that I am going to pour my heart and soul into this tiny being trying to make it's way into my heart, only to have to say goodbye. I am so scared of going through those emotions again. Of having to walk into the office thinking everything is more perfect than I could imagine, only to have my world come crashing down again. I just can't go through that again, I'm not strong enough.

"So why did you do another transfer so quickly then!" I can hear this almost being shouted at me, mostly because I shout it at myself. It's not that I don't want to be pregnant, there is nothing that I could want more. Other than keeping my family and my son safe and healthy!! I want to have this baby. I want to make my son a big brother. I want to bring the member of our family that seems to be missing into my arms. I just want to hear that precious heartbeat. I want to see our tiny baby bouncing around healthy and happy. I want to hear a doctor tell me that everything looks great and that nothing should happen. I know that the last one is not possible, I know something can happen anytime during pregnancy, but I just wish I had a way to know for sure that this baby is going to stay........ 

I am so sorry to anyone that I may have upset with this post. I know there are hundreds of women waiting and pleading to hear a positive result and hear I am not appreciating it. I just pray that you know that is not the case at all. I want this!!!! I would do anything to protect this child and insure that I will always have this child in my heart and arms. I know the pain of getting a negative. 5 years worth of tests with one line, tests that say "NO", tests that never turn pink and doctors that call and say "I'm sorry." I know that pain and I wish no one ever had to go through that. But I also know the pain of having to hear "I'm sorry but your baby has died." That I NEVER wish on ANYONE, but I have lived it, and it has effected me and now I am scared.