One of those days

I knew the moment I saw the screen that I would be sad for a very long time. I knew that moving on from this was going to take time, but I didn't imagine being really happy one minuet and then completely engulfed in sadness the next. These past few days I have been in such a funk and I can't seem to dig myself out. I am so grateful for my family and even work for giving me an escape from myself. A time that I can focus on something so intensely that I loose myself and all thoughts for a short time. Because when it's just me, I am so consumed with this never ending sadness. It's a sadness that I don't want to be feeling. I want to just be happy. To be happy for all that I have in my life. To be able to look around and only see the things that bring me joy, but instead I see so many reminders that I can't yet bring myself to get rid of. I turn on my computer and updates pop up to tell me how far along I am suppose to be. There's a calender at the bottom of my screen that lists every mild stone my baby should be reaching. Right now my little bean should be around 100 grams and already making poop. Poop, did I really just get teary eyed over poop! I mean 100 grams doesn't even seem like anything. How could you love something so deeply that's barely the weight of a grape.

I know I should close everything down, delete the dozens of bookmarks and not remind myself of everything that I am missing. I know I should, but I just can't hit that button. I can't wipe away every last reminder that it was real. That my baby was real. 

I need something to hold onto. I need something tangible to let me know that our child did exists and that it really is ok to morn this tiny being that disappeared. Thankfully somehow Jeff realized this and ordered me the most beautiful necklace. He had it hand made in the US and shipped over. It's a tiny heart with even tinier footprints. Footprints that will never grow but ones that have filled my heart for all eternity. It also has the birthstone and age of our baby engraved on the back. I didn't know it would be possible to have something like this made, but I am so grateful to have it. I love having something to hold when I am sad, some physical part of our baby that I can keep with me forever. Proof that this is not just all a bad dream. 

I know that eventually the sadness will retreat. That the memories of those horrible days will fade and that I will move on. I will never forget but I will no longer be filled with such sadness. I'm not sure when that will happen, but for now I will just keep reminding myself that sadness is a way of healing and that healing does not mean forgetting. After all how can I be sad forever knowing what our baby has now. The song below is the best way I know to describe how I feel when thinking of where our baby is now.

 

Baby Angel

    Yesterday Tyson brought me home a paper he had worked on in school. The paper was meant to be a practice reading and handwriting worksheet, but for Tyson it turned out to be so much more. The sentence on the paper was, Have you got a little brother or sister? Tyson did a pretty good job writing the sentence, not the best, but he tried hard. What really made me emotional was that in the space provided for a picture, he wrote baby angel (BaeBe Ajail) and drew a picture of a little angel. 

I though for sure the first time I saw him express anything about the baby would make me very sad, but it didn't. I was just happy to see that he is finally comfortable enough to talk about it. Well maybe not talk about it, but at least find his own way of bringing it up.

    When he came home to show me the picture he sat right down and told me all about his picture.  special and I had to take very good care of it. He wanted me to put it with the baby's picture and keep it forever. He never had to ask me that, I will never part with it. 

This is not the first time he has mentioned the baby, but it is the first time he talked this much to me about it. Before when I tried to talk to him, he would simply tell me that he wouldn't talk to me because it made me sad. I tried so hard to tell him that talking to him didn't make me sad, but kids are smart. Thankfully there was someone here at the school who was able to talk with him and it seemed to make a huge difference in those first few days. He was so confused and angry and I didn't know how to help him. I really hope that I can get up the emotional courage to finally thank that person face to face. It really was like night and day with him after they talked.

    Right now Tyson's favorite thing to do is look at my ultrasound picture and read a book that Jeff and I ordered for him called, We Were Going To Have a Baby But We Got An Angel Instead, over and over. I really hope that through his picture we can start to talk about it more and he will be able to tell me what he is feeling and if he has any questions. I will never pressure him to talk to me, but I will be right here when he is ready.

Telling friends and saying thank you.

I was not sure how to tell everyone what had happened. I knew that a few people here at the school had heard that I had to have surgery and were nervous that something was really wrong. I knew Jeff would be strong enough for me to tell everyone but I couldn't put him through that. I couldn't make him face one person after another and tell them how we all looked at that screen to our tiny baby only to be told there was no heartbeat.  To tell everyone my heart was broken and I didn't know how to fix it. 

I know it may seem tacky to a lot of people, but I chose to post it on facebook. That way I was able to tell everyone at the same time and not have to get that "I'm so sorry" look from everyone. I was able to tell them and just lay in bed trying to heal. I was able to tell everyone and cry into my pillow and not have anyone stand there and have to watch me. Everyone here has been so amazing and supportive and I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to work with. Even when a few brought me down, the rest were there to pick me up. I am grateful for them and even more so for having my parents here with me. I don't know what I would have done if they were not by my side. The first few days after I was in so much pain and I wanted to stay in that bed and drown myself in shock and heartache. If it wasn't for Tyson, my parents and those around me I don't know if I would have ever left that bed. For those who came to see me, sent flowers or kind words, I will never be able to thank you enough in person. I couldn't do it without becoming emotional and I don't want to do that to you. For Mia, you have been there through every step from the first moment to the last. I hated having to put you there, having to see you hurting with us but I can't ever thank you enough for helping us through this. I know that when we are ready to try again you will once again stand with us because that's the amazing person you are. Thank you for not only being our nurse, but our friend!!!

Jaunary 9, 2012. The day my heart broke

For the past 5 years I have wished on every birthday candle, on every coin tossed in a fountain, on every 4 leaf clover found and every star I saw shoot across the sky. I prayed to God every night to send us another miracle to love and call our own. I knew it was not going to be easy but I never gave up hope. Finally after so long we got the call that you were finally here and that you were growing strong and would join our family in August. My heart overflowed into tears and I could not wait to holler to the world that you were finally here. We decided to wait just to make sure everything was perfect so we kept you our wonderful little secret. Oh Christmas morning I couldn't keep that secret in any longer and Daddy and I finally sat down and told your big Brother, Tyson, that you were on your way. That is something I will cherish every second I am on this earth. I know he fell in love with you that very moment and could not wait to see you. Tyson decided we needed a name for you and so he came up with Baby Bibblemin. I don't know where he came up with it, but we all agreed it was the perfect name for our little baby. Everyday he would put his ear to my stomach and tell me if you were crying, laughing or hungry. He refused to sleep anywhere except right next to me so he could be as close to you as possible. As much as we were enjoying our vacation together as a family, I wanted to get back home so we could see you again on the ultrasound. Tyson was so excited and asked every day what you would look like and if you would be able to see him too. We finally got home and before we could go and see you, we had our family Christmas together. It was so special having Nannie and Papa there with us this year and we all talked about what it was going to be like having you with us at Christmas time next year. Tyson was so sweet and told us he would give you all of his favorite pj's that he outgrew. My heart was overjoyed and my dreams were coming true. The next day we all went to the doctor together and when they finally called our name, Tyson almost screamed with excitement. Sadly with everyone watching the screen we were told that your tiny heartbeat could not be found. You had slipped away without us ever knowing. My little baby was gone and my heart was broken. Having to sit down and explain to Tyson that instead of joining our family God brought you back to Haven to become an angel was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He was so sad and confused and just laid in my lap sobbing. That night I prayed harder than I had ever before that the doctor would be wrong and that we would go for another scan and we would find you happily bouncing around. That wasn't to be and after 8 weeks and 6 days you were taken away. My heart feels empty without you, like I lost you before I ever got to say that I love you. I don't know why you had to leave us but I hope that you hear me when I talk to you. I hope you know that I love you so much and even though I was only able to carry you under my heart for a short time, I will carry you in my heart forever.....

Back from Vacation

I know that I did not post much about our vacation here, but I promise I will post it on my other blog as soon as we get unpacked more and settled down. Today we had Christmas for Tyson and the dorm and it was so much fun. When my Dad asked what he would do next year with baby Bibblemin, he said he would save all of his favorite pajamas that don't fit him and give them to the baby. If you know how attached Tyson is to his pajamas you would know what a big deal that is. 

Tomorrow is my next ultrasound day and it's going to be a full room. Jeff, my Mom and Tyson are all going with me. Unfortunately I could not find Mia to remind her of the appointment, but I am sure she will be there for the next one. Tyson is so excited and I can't wait for him to finally see that this really is real!!

Ouch!!

I don't remember being in as much pain with Tyson this early on, but I am sure with everything growing and stretching after a c-section will feel different. As much as I am LOVING this time with my family seeing different things, I can't wait to get home to see our little Bibblemin again. Oh, Bibblemin is what Tyson has decided to name our baby. He said we couldn't keep calling the baby boy or girl. I can't even say how much I love the name. It is just perfect and we are all so in love with our Bibblemin.

Sick in Thailand

These past few days I have been feeling really sick. Not that I mind at all, but I just hope I am not dampening any one's vacation. Christmas day we took Tyson to ride the elephants, go on a bamboo raft down the river and ride the Ox cart. At night we had an amazing supper at our hotel, complete with traditional dancing by the owner's orphans she works with. Long after it got dark we got to do something I have always wanted. We got to light and release paper lanterns into the air. We had about two dozen and it was amazing. When I was letting mine drift out of my hands I kept thinking how blessed I was to have everything I prayed for and so my only wish was the health and safety of my family. For the first time in years, my wish was not "please help us to have another baby come into our lives."

I'll post pictures soon.

Christmas Morning in Thailand

After hearing my Dad spill the news to a few people staying at the hotel, I decided that I wanted to tell Tyson the big news today. I just couldn't stand the idea of him finding out from someone else. 

Jeff and I sat on the couch with Tyson on my lap while my Mom video taped everything. I told him that I had one more Christmas present for him, but he wouldn't be able to play with it until about August 15th. When he asked why, I told him it was because Mommy and Daddy were finally giving him the baby he had always asked for and that we were pregnant. It took a minuet for it to sink in, but when it did he was screaming, hugging us and just laughing. He put his hand on my tummy and kept asking if there was really a baby in there. When I told him yes, he asked if he could go tell his friends that he had met at our hotel. I told him yes and he went out the door screaming "my Mommy is having a baby." He was so excited, and I couldn't help but to cry. When I can figure out how, I will post the video to show you his excitement. 

I really couldn't have imagined his being a better Christmas.

December 18th Cambodia and Morning Sickness

Today I had my first real bout with morning sickness. I was almost excited to get sick because I knew it meant my little baby is growing fast and strong. I still hope I don't get as sick as I did for Tyson, but I will not complain once about any of the side effects of being pregnant.

My parents are here!!!

Today, December 10th, my parents arrived here in Korea for an extended visit. I can't even begin to say how happy I am that they are here with us. I have been trying to think of ways to tell them for days, but it came down to me bringing them into our room and showing them the It's a Girl and It's a Boy signs I had hung in Jeff's closets, along with pink, blue and white balloons. Once again my Mom said she knew before I did. Apparently she has some pictures of my sister and I hanging in her house and every time one of us is pregnant, mostly my sister, the pictures have hung crooked on the wall. She said she was walking by the photo and saw that it was very crooked and just knew that it meant we were pregnant. They were both very excited and even more so because my Mom will get to go with us to our next ultrasound. 

Before that we are going to be traveling for Christmas vacation to Cambodia, Thailand and Indonesia. I have already checked with my doctor and she has assured me that traveling will not be a problem. Just to be careful with what I eat and drink. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!!!

Telling friends

I feel bad that I am choosing to tell a few people that I work with the great news and not others, but some were instrumental in helping us get to this point. The first person we told after Mia was a good friend that works here with us at DIS. Well both people we told work here. She was super excited for us and it felt so good to share the news with someone! The second person was another huge help in getting us to where we are. She gave us the recommendation to the hospital, made giving birth here sound a lot less scary and has just been someone I have been able to talk to through out this process. She was also very happy for us and it felt so good for others to join in our happiness. I truly can not wait until we can share the news with everyone!!!

December 7th

Today we got to go to the hospital to see our little baby on the ultrasound. It was just Mia and I because Jeff was too nervous to go with us. Because we had 4 follicles during the IUI we had a chance of having 4 or more babies implant. I couldn't help but picture two or three little babies running around with Tyson, but I am still overjoyed to report that we have one healthy happy little baby. So far everything looks great, my HCG levels are increasing rapidly and life is perfect. 

We have decided to wait until Tyson's birthday, January 18th to tell him. How I am going to keep this a secret I'll never know.

December 5th TEST DAY

Today was test day, finally. Mia and I went to the doctor after work today for a blood test to determine if I am pregnant. When we left they told me that they would call in a few hours to let me know. I think I cleaned the every dorm room waiting for that call. Finally at 4:30 in the afternoon the call came. "Congratulations your pregnant." I wanted to scream and run around telling everyone but I somehow managed to stay calm. Jeff was in the other room and I wanted to surprise him. Apparently my voice and my face gave it away and he asked with a smile what the doctor had said. I told him that it was positive and he just smiled. We started talking about when we would tell Tyson, what we would need to buy and how strange this felt to finally be coming true. The first person we told was Mia. We called her cell  but there was no answer so I left her a text. 

I still can't believe this is finally happening. I can't wait to tell Tyson the exciting news!!!

Feeling tired.

The past few days I have been feeling so unbelievable tired. As soon as I wake up I feel like I want to turn around are climb right back into bed and sleep the day away. I am really hoping this is the first sigh that I might actually be pregnant!! I still have a few days before we go in for a blood test, but I think tomorrow I will try another at home test. Please wish me luck!!!

IUI DAY!!!!

Ok first I have to start of by saying that the X-ray day had nothing on this one!!!

Today Jeff and I went in for our IUI and well, it was another Korean only experience. The day started out with us thinking that we would go to the doctor, early in the morning when it wouldn't be busy, Jeff would do his thing and we would both be together, holding hands, while we took the steps we would need to try to get pregnant. The only thing thing that held true was Jeff doing his thing and me doing mine.

    When we got there the place was PACKED. In fact Jeff got stuck outside in a huge line of cars waiting for a chance to even get into the parking garage. I went upstairs and filled out the paperwork and tried to find a seat among the dozens of Korean faces all looking at me. Not one chair was empty and everyone was there for the same thing. IUI. Apparently they make a day of it. So I sat down and waited a good 30 minuets for Jeff to finally park the car. As soon as he got in, they gave him his paperwork to fill out and his little cup. He went behind the big black door and I went to sit closer to him. When he came out he was laughing and trying to explain to me what the little room was like.

The lights were turned almost completely off, there was a poster of a barely naked Korean women on the wall and a leather chair that was ripped down the center. Not trying to share TMI but he chose to stand. After he was done his portion, he said he just had to turn on the TV just to see what they would be playing. He siad it was the worst Korean porn he had ever seen, and no he has never seen Korean porn. He said he only watched for a moment because he was afraid someone would hear him laughing and really start to wonder.

    While we were sitting waiting for his sperm to be "washed" I started wondering just how they keep track of who's deposit belonged to whom. I mean there were at least 45 other women there with their husbands about to have the same thing done as me. The more I wondered, the harder Jeff tried to insure me that his name and a specific number was on the container, but I am still not convinced 100% that they never make a mistake. Oh well, at least Korean babies are SO stinkin cute!!

    After about an hour and a half a nurse came over to get me and when I asked if Jeff could go too, she said no. No, really? My husband can't even be in the room when we get pregnant? Ha I guess all those times people told us we needed to sleep in the same room were wrong. Anyway the next part of this is just too absurd to even try to make up.

    While the nurse is walking me to the other side of the office she grabs another Korean women to come with us. I though nothing of it at all until we she opened the door with the IUI sign above it. Ok, still no big deal, could just be the door to another office. Boy was I wrong!! Nope, she leads us a little ways into the room and tells us to change. Yup, to change right there in front of each other with no curtain or divider. Once again I am given the tiny Korean gown to wear, but this time I am also given a tiny bathrobe to not cover up with. After we were dressed, and again this is too bazaar to make up, she brings us on the other side of this little wall to a room with a row of 10 beds. The beds are all side by side with no space at all between. The nurse then asks us to jump up on the beds next to each other. Someday I will find out why short hospital gowns equals beds that are 6 feet off the ground. 

    The two of us try our best to look the other way as we unattractively climb onto these beds. Once on, the nurse asks to lay down and covers us up. Ok so this must be some sort of waiting room, RIGHT?!?

After she gets us all covered up, she flips a switch that starts heating the bed up and then walks over to turn on a CD player before turning on a row of chandeliers. Yes you read right, in between the rows of florescent lighting is a row of gold chandeliers complete with crystals hanging down. Nice of them to set the mood.

So now I am laying on a bed that is making me feel like I peed myself, covered in a hello kitty blanket, listening to sounds of the ocean, staring at these ridicules lights with another women lying next to me who keeps making strange noise, all while being surrounded by windows on 3 sides that are covered in curtains that I am convinced are going to open any minuet for an expectant audience. The only thing I could do was turn my head and try to keep my laughter to myself.

    I mean how could this situation get more ridiculous. Oh wait, I know. The doctor could walk in, have me scoot to the end of the bed and perform my IUI while the women next to me sits up and watches. Even though the actual IUI was really uncomfortable, the only thing that I could do was put my arm over my face and laugh. I mean who ever thinks "when I get pregnant I want my husband out in another room so I can lay next to some stranger who I can't even speak to while laying under a hello kitty blanket while someone injects sperm into my uterus. Again, only in Korea."

    I have to wait 14 days before I can test and I am really, REALLY hoping this worked because I don't know if I could go though that again.    :)

IUI date

    Today we went back to the doctor for another ultrasound and we found out we have 4 follicles!!! I am so excited and really hopeful that this will be our month! If we do get pregnant now, I will not have to leave work early and I could deliver at home. This would mean that I would miss a bit of school next fall and have to fly alone with a newborn and a 6 year old almost 24 hours back here, but that's all secondary. Tonight at 8pm we have to go back to the doctor to get another injection to again try to force ovulation. Our IUI date is November 21st at 10:00am. Thankfully Jeff and I had no problem getting the morning off from work. I hate not telling everyone why we need the time off, but I just don't know how to bring it up. Not to mention we don't want to say anything until we are at least in our second trimester in case, God forbid, something happen. I don't want to make anyone here uncomfortable because of us. 

Fingers crossed and prayers flying!!!

First Injection

    Today was my first injection and it wasn't as bad as I imagined. It was actually funny to watch big, strong Jeff turn to a shaking bass of nerves. He was fine until I actually pulled the needle out of the package.  When he went to inject it the first time he actually closed his eyes! After psyching himself out, he finally stuck the needle into my stomach. Sadly he did it WAY too slow so it hurt a little more. Mia laughed when I told her because she had given Jeff a "how to" talk the day before. Hopefully the next one he will just jab in fast and not hurt me at all.

New treatment

Today, November 6th, we started a new round of fertility treatments. Our doctor wants to get more aggressive in trying to conceive so this month we are going to try IUI or Intrauterine Insemination. This requires a lower dose of Clomid in addition to injections into the abdomen.I am also continuing the Metformin even though the effects have not been positive. I am still gaining despite going to Zumba twice a week and Power 90 in my room. 

I am a little nervous about the injections since Jeff will be the one administering them, but he assures me that he is not nervous in the least. At least he gets to be more involved this month, even if I am still the one that has to deal with all the painful parts. Honestly I wouldn't change anything for the world. I know I am doing what I need to get the family I feel is right for us.

Really good about not testing early

I have been so good this month about not testing too early, but sadly when I did today there was no line. I know I still have 3 more days until my cycle should start, but I am not counting on it. I am hopeful though and I think the 5 more pregnancy tests I bough from Home Plus today shows that. On a side note, the man that works at the pharmacy keeps giving me this look like I must be selling tests on the side. That or trying way too hard because today he gave Jeff and I each a free bottle of vitamin C. lol

Messed up my blog somewhere

We are on our second round of fertility treatment this month, October. Our first round started on September 9th. Sorry, that's the trouble of backtracking to post. 

Anyway, today I went in for another ultrasound to see if we have any mature follicles. After 6 days of medication I have two healthy follicles. Amazingly I actually have a follicle on my left ovary that has never produced a follicle. In fact, when I was 16 I was told that it was so small and covered in cysts that it most likely was not functional. Who know tossing a bunch of medication into the system would actually wake it up. 

Tonight we have to go back to the office for an injection that will hopefully insure ovulation. Having to wait until our test day will be so hard, but I know we will get through it. Thankfully I have a lot to do at work right now to keep me busy.

Are you in need of a good laugh?

    Today was my Hysterosalpingogram test and it was by far the most hysterical experience of my life!! Jeff, Mia and I arrived at the most amazing hospital around 3:00. I say amazing because this hospital does nothing but MRIs, CT scans and X-rays. I know that sounds impressive, but the truly remarkable part was that each doctor there not only does the test, but also read and give you the results at the same appointment! In the states I have had to wait up to 2 weeks to get the results from an MRI.

That was the amazing part, now for the hysterical part....

    After we meet with the doctor, who spoke 0 English, to get an idea of what he was going to do, we walked up a few floors to where they would be doing the test. The only thing I could think about was Mia's lovely "quite painful" speech and repeatedly ask Jeff if he wanted to do it for me. After declining to "grow the equipment needed" I was called to the back, but before having the procedure that was now turning into a "small surgery," I had to change my clothes. Now I am 6 feet tall and no where close to the size of a normal Kore women, and yet they only had Korean sized gowns to provide. After a move that would have put any dancing with the stars hopeful to shame, I finally got into this "gown". Basically no more than a shirt, it barely came down enough to cover my belly button let alone the rest of my goodies. After a quick look in the mirror and a REALLY good laugh at myself I poked my head out of the door to tell Mia that I was ready. The nurse then comes over to get me so I can WALK down the hall to where the test will be done. Really? You want me to walk down the hall half naked in a shirt that looks like it was meant for my 6 year old, with slippers that again barely cover my toes down a hall with other people looking at me. Oh thank the Lord I will never see these people again!! Anyway I ran, holding my shirt down as much as possible to the little room,  where the nurses were waiting. They then ask me to jump up on a cold metal table and lie down. Haha ok so there is no way possible to do this gracefully so I just closed my eyes and jumped. At least with my eyes clothes I could pretend no one was looking. 

So now I am up on this table thinking, "ok any time you can give me a towel or something to through over my legs and cover me up a bit" but I guess that wasn't their priority. The next thing I know Mia comes in to hold my hand and explain again what the doctor is going to do. Wait, nope, not what he is GOING to do, what he IS doing. Poor Mia is standing there, holding my hand, with me knees in the air and baring everything for everyone while the doctor does his thing. As he is getting me ready he starts talking to her in Korean and apparently tells her how he is actually a bit nervous because he is unable to communicate with me. Nervous, really he is nervous!! So I turned to her, as the nurse is pumping my arm full or Morphine, and tell her he's not the one who should be nervous. I'm the one that is laying on the table half naked, feeling very exposed and still wondering how that "quite painful" thing is going to turn out. (Can I please note that the large amount of Morphine was not a in my book a positive indicator.)  Dear sweet Mia, not knowing that comment was meant for her only, translates this to the doctor who, along with his nurses, starts laughing. Now there all laughing, in a good way I hope, but I'm starting to feel drugged and as though the room is spinning and now it's time for the actual X-ray part. Mia is then asked to leave the room and the doctor does his thing with the contrast and starts taking a bunch of x-rays. Now I am not sure what he though they injected into my arm, but sad to say it wasn't a good dose of know Korean instantly. All of a sudden he starts rapidly talking to me in Korean asking me to move and contort my body into different positions. I only know this is what he is asking me because when I don't comply, he actually grabs my backside and flips me over.  Now the Morphine has really kicked in and the only thing I can do is laugh. I laughed from that moment until I almost somersaulted in the dressing room trying to get out of that little gown.

When we go back downstairs to the doctors office to get the results, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself knowing that this will probably be the appointment next discussed over a many shots of Soju. Thankfully though everything is completely normal and I even got to leave with a complementary copy of my x-rays. Only in Korea. :)

More testing.

  My doctor decided to do a Hysterosalpingorgram, an x-ray with contrast to look at the uterus and fallopian tubes, to see if I have any scaring or blocking of my fallopian tubes that might be hindering our ability to get pregnant. I was told by my doctor that the test can be quite uncomfortable and to bring someone with me to help me get home. When we left the office, Mia felt the need to tell me that "uncomfortable" in Korean terms can often mean quite painful. Oh goodie!!!! Thankfully we were able to get an appointment time where Jeff and Mia can both be with me. Mia for translation and emotional support and Jeff, well he can drive the van. :)

Not this month.

  My cycle started a few days back and again only lasted for about a day and a half. We went back to the doctor and she performed another ultrasound that showed that I had "recovered" from ovulation. Who know it was something that needed to be recovered from! Anyway we were put back on another round of Clomid, this time 150mg and more Metformin. Hopefully we are able to get more than one healthy follicle this time to give us a better chance of conceiving. I think having a 4th of July baby would be fun. :)

Dissapointment is part of the process.

    I knew this process was not going to be an easy one, but I did not account for the emotional tole it would truly take. After phoning the doctor she explained that it would be impossible to get a positive result this soon and most likely the positive result is from the medication. I have to wait a few more days to see if my cycle starts again, or if we can go in for a blood test to find out for sure. At this point I am trying not to let my emotions take over and just staying calm but hopeful.

3 POSITIVE TESTS

    Ok so I know it's a bit early to test, but I just couldn't stop myself!! I had a dream that I woke up, took a test and saw right away that big plus sign. So I took that as my own sign and took a test. The first was very faint, but it was there. The second and now the third are also kind of faint but I am still really hoping that they are not false positives and that we are pregnant on the very first round!! My friend and I are going to call the doctor tomorrow to ask if we should go in or if we should wait for a more definite result.

Down to one.

We went back to the doctor and we are down to only one follicle. The other is not going to develop and will most likely be lost. She said it's not impossible to get pregnant with only one, heck millions of women do it ever day, but in our case it's not ideal. So now it's up to us. We have been put on a very tight schedule, and thankfully the friend who we always go with wasn't able to this time so it was not quite as awkward. Hopefully this works this month because that would mean we could deliver here and not worry about flying home late in pregnancy. Fingers crossed and prayers flying!!!

Back from the doctor

So we just got back from the doctor with good results. We have two follicles but there both a little slow to develop so she wants us to continue with the Clomid and  Metformin for a few more days. Hopefully our next appointment will show strong follicles that are more mature and ready for ovulation. Fingers crossed!!!

Day 5 of treatment (round 1)

Today is my last day in my 5 day meds cycle. I am really hoping that the clomid worked because I have been experiencing so many strange side effects. The hot flashes have been particular fun. Thankfully no one really works with me in the lower library so they don't have to suffer through the heat turned up one minuet and the windows being opened to the arctic air the next. If the side effects from the Clomid weren't enough, they have me on a second medication that came with it's own fun filled surprises.
After they diagnosed me with sever PCOS the doctor also put me on medication to help "regulate my weight". Having a doctor finally tell you that your doing things right, but that you will most likely never be able to loose weight on your own because of such a sever hormone imbalance was both wonderful and frustrating. Wonderful because I work so hard and get no where at all and frustrating because with the medication that "with no doubt" would help, actually made me GAIN weight. I guess this can happen when your hormones are as imbalanced as mine. Lucky lucky me.

Anyway my next appointment is in 4 days to determine our "coitus" dates. I know that it is pathetic and childish that I laughed to myself every time the doctor said the word coitus, but the only thing that I could picture was Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory saying it.The date will be determined by seeing if I have any follicles that are large enough to cause ovulation. I am not sure how many we will have, but since I currently have none, even one would be a huge blessing.

First Round of Fertility Treatmemt

    Yesterday I started my first round of fertility treatment and instead of something exciting, it feels more like a loaded bullet that is firing so many questions and uncertainties right at ME. Is this what we both want, is it the right time to have another baby, will Tyson respond positively to being a big brother, do we continue living abroad or does Jeff look for work back home, what happens if we have multiples, financially are we stable enough for that, emotionally can we handle that, do we live in the dorm, when do we tell people were trying, do we tell people were trying, when do we tell Tyson? The list goes on and on and on, but one thing remains strong and is this feeling that we are missing someone in our family. That somewhere in heaven there is someone screaming and begging to come down and be with our family. I feel it every time I look into a stroller or at a women with a beautiful round belly. I feel it every holiday when Tyson is being showered with love, gifts, stories and traditions. I feel it every time I picture the future of our family. I can close my eyes and so vividly picture Tyson playing with his brother or sister. I can picture them running from their rooms to the Christmas tree to see what Santa left them. I can picture Tyson teaching him or her how to sing their ABC's or tie their shoes. I can even picture the fights that almost all siblings get into and then having them make up and run off laughing and playing together. I can picture Tyson having someone to talk to when his parents no longer know anything. Or Tyson coming home for college on a break and teaching his brother or sister to drive a car. I picture so many parts of them growing up together, but most important I see Tyson and another child being there for each other when their parents are no longer around. So tonight I will pray even harder that we will be blessed with another child to join our family.

If your reading this, I could really use your prayers too. :)

This would NEVER happen in the states!!

Trust me this is all worth reading!!!

    As I stated in my previous post, we finally found a fertility hospital and made an appointment to see a doctor. After almost 5 years of trying to conceive our second child, I figured it was finally time to seek some help. I had just started looking into fertility doctors before we decided to make our big move to Korea. Because everything was so new last year, we decided to put off trying for a bit. This year however, I feel as though I am much more knowledgeable about the hospitals, doctors and just life here in general. In other words, the idea of getting pregnant and giving birth here no longer terrifies the hell out of me.
After a little asking around and as much online research as we were able to do, we finally found a fertility hospital and a doctor. Because we knew that the receptionist spoke primarily Korean, we asked our wonderful school nurse to help us make an appointment. Needless to say I was a bit taken back when we were given an appointment for the very same day. That's the first thing that would never happen back in the states. The second thing is that our appointment time was "anytime before the office closed at 8:00pm".
Because we had been given the appointment so quickly, I figured it would be nothing more than  a simple consultation.. When we finally got to the hospital, at about 7:45 I was nice and calm I was scared out of my mind. Saying that you want another child and actually taking measures to almost ensure one are two entirely different things.  I had to keep reminding myself that if we wait until we are "ready" we will forever remain a one child family, not that there is anything wrong with that. I am completely in love with my son and if he is the only child we ever have, I will consider myself very blessed.

    Once we got up to the right floor, Jeff and I sat down while our school nurse and friend, we'll call her Mia, checked us in. When she joined us, she brought along all of the paperwork we would need to fill out. Now I am sure most of you have gone to see an OBGYN and know the type of questions ask on one of those very personal forms. Well this was not much different, except for the fact that I had to have someone else read off all of the questions and write the answers in Korean for me. Needless to say Mia got to know more about Jeff and I then I am sure she ever wanted to. At one point she just looked at the two of us and said she could not figure out how to translate the question into English. It wasn't until after she started to blush that we realized that she did know, she just didn't want to have to ask it. After a few moments and a little pep talk to herself about being a medical professional and simply asking us from the point of view of a nurse, she finally got it out.

"How many times do you and Jeff have sex in a week"
She did a wonderful job until she had to start listing off the possible boxes to check.

                   1. Two or more times a week.

          2. At least once a week.

                     3. Two or more times a month.

4. Not very often.

    We all acted like adults  we all started blushing and laughing like school kids during the sex-ed portion of health class. Mia couldn't even bring herself to check on of the boxes and handed the clipboard to Jeff. After he finally checked one of the options, she put her hand over the answers so she didn't have to see it. Little did we know that would only be the beginning. The questions to follow were along the lines of, Is your sex life enjoyable, Is their pain when you have sex, Does there appear to be a lot of sperm when you...., Do you have any issues with your "area", Was there ever any trauma to your "area".  

    The three of us sat on that little bench crying with laughter until we were finished answering every embarrassing question possible, or so we though. At least I was no longer nervous about actually meeting the doctor. Thankfully we had just started to really compose ourselves when the nurse came to get us. After a quick check of my blood pressure, it was time to go meet the doctor, whom thankfully was a female. She was very nice and tried as best as she could to communicate everything in English, but wasn't quite clear enough, so we had to ask Mia to come in to interpret. Nothing embarrassing was asked this time our doctor proceeded to ask every possible sexual question that they missed on the paperwork. Once that was finally over the three of us couldn't even lift our head to look at each other. The doctor then told me that they would be doing a series of tests including the normal blood work, urine test, ultrasound and PAP. I honestly had NO CLUE that she meant RIGHT NOW!! Thankfully I had at least shaved that morning, but I was sure since I had just started my period the day before, even though my cycle lasts a maximum of two days, we would have to reschedule. Nope, unlike in the states, this doctor says there is no problem with that at all and she would still DO THE TESTS!!!! Ok so now I am really sweating when Mia looks at me, starts to giggle and says "have fun". How am I suppose to get nervous with that. Thank you Mia. 
    So while Jeff and Mia are still talking to the doctor, I head off to the other side of the curtain behind Jeff and Mia, alone. The nurse pointed me to a second little curtain in the corner and told me to change into the beautiful pink skirt provided. But first I had a question, so I stepped out and asked the nurse if I needed to just undress from the waist down. Please note that every first appointment I have ever gone to like this it was always a FULL physical. But thankfully no not this time. The nurse laughs at me and with a very scared look in her eyes says no and pushes me back behind the curtain. Now it's time to put on the little skirt, the one that I am now desperately trying NOT to think about  how many other women have worn today. When I am done, I start to walk toward the scary chair with the built in stirrups. As soon as I do the nurse starts to laugh at me, pushes me back once again and points to the slippers on the floor.
Silly me, why didn't I think of putting the size 4 slippers on my size 11 feet to walk exactly 4
steps from the "dressing area" to the chair. Once seated in the chair she again laughs as she tells me to remove the slippers from my overly large feet before placing them in the stirrups. Silly me of course it's rude to wear your slippers in the stirrup chair. So I am finally in the chair with my feet up and the nurse tells me "You go back", so I try to push myself back in the chair, but there really is no were for me to go. Once again the nurse starts to laugh and shakes her head and says again "No, you go back now". Ok I have no idea where I am suppose to go so I look at her shrug my shoulders and wait for her to show me. She laughs even harder and this time pushes a button that lifts the chair and tilts me back until my altogethers are hanging out for everyone. Thankfully she draws a curtain that cuts me off mid section so I can't see them and they can't see me. I heard the doctor come in, wash her hands and tell me that were about to begin. She is so sweet and tries as best she can to talk to me in English to let me know what she is doing, but she couldn't figure out how to say a few things. Thankfully she finally figured out the word speculum before having to bring in Mia. Now that would have been the moment where I am pretty sure she would have retired from DIS.
    In the mean time I am realizing that unlike in the states, the doctor that is now examining me is not wearing any gloves! Apparently no one does here in the great country of Korea, but this was really pushing it for me. I sat there completely in awe and just praying for it all to end quickly. So after a PAP  and an ultrasound to diagnose me with sever PCOS, I was finally free to get dressed and go back out with Jeff. The doctor quickly explained that I would also be giving a urine sample and blood before I left, but first gave me two different medications to try to get me to ovulate and regulate my cycles. Thankfully the woman who drew my blood was a true saint and was very kind with my fear of needles. I don't think I have ever in my life had anyone as wonderful as her. I never even felt the slightest pinch from that needle, and for that I completely fell in love with her, even if she also didn't wear gloves.
At least when that was finally over we could go back home, and even though Mia did not take the same taxi with us when we left, I think she would be more than happy to go with us again. Just as long as none of us have to look the other in the eyes.



*Chuseok is like Thanksgiving in Korea. It's the celebration of the harvest.