One of those days

I knew the moment I saw the screen that I would be sad for a very long time. I knew that moving on from this was going to take time, but I didn't imagine being really happy one minuet and then completely engulfed in sadness the next. These past few days I have been in such a funk and I can't seem to dig myself out. I am so grateful for my family and even work for giving me an escape from myself. A time that I can focus on something so intensely that I loose myself and all thoughts for a short time. Because when it's just me, I am so consumed with this never ending sadness. It's a sadness that I don't want to be feeling. I want to just be happy. To be happy for all that I have in my life. To be able to look around and only see the things that bring me joy, but instead I see so many reminders that I can't yet bring myself to get rid of. I turn on my computer and updates pop up to tell me how far along I am suppose to be. There's a calender at the bottom of my screen that lists every mild stone my baby should be reaching. Right now my little bean should be around 100 grams and already making poop. Poop, did I really just get teary eyed over poop! I mean 100 grams doesn't even seem like anything. How could you love something so deeply that's barely the weight of a grape.

I know I should close everything down, delete the dozens of bookmarks and not remind myself of everything that I am missing. I know I should, but I just can't hit that button. I can't wipe away every last reminder that it was real. That my baby was real. 

I need something to hold onto. I need something tangible to let me know that our child did exists and that it really is ok to morn this tiny being that disappeared. Thankfully somehow Jeff realized this and ordered me the most beautiful necklace. He had it hand made in the US and shipped over. It's a tiny heart with even tinier footprints. Footprints that will never grow but ones that have filled my heart for all eternity. It also has the birthstone and age of our baby engraved on the back. I didn't know it would be possible to have something like this made, but I am so grateful to have it. I love having something to hold when I am sad, some physical part of our baby that I can keep with me forever. Proof that this is not just all a bad dream. 

I know that eventually the sadness will retreat. That the memories of those horrible days will fade and that I will move on. I will never forget but I will no longer be filled with such sadness. I'm not sure when that will happen, but for now I will just keep reminding myself that sadness is a way of healing and that healing does not mean forgetting. After all how can I be sad forever knowing what our baby has now. The song below is the best way I know to describe how I feel when thinking of where our baby is now.