Yesterday I started my first round of fertility treatment and instead of something exciting, it feels more like a loaded bullet that is firing so many questions and uncertainties right at ME. Is this what we both want, is it the right time to have another baby, will Tyson respond positively to being a big brother, do we continue living abroad or does Jeff look for work back home, what happens if we have multiples, financially are we stable enough for that, emotionally can we handle that, do we live in the dorm, when do we tell people were trying, do we tell people were trying, when do we tell Tyson? The list goes on and on and on, but one thing remains strong and is this feeling that we are missing someone in our family. That somewhere in heaven there is someone screaming and begging to come down and be with our family. I feel it every time I look into a stroller or at a women with a beautiful round belly. I feel it every holiday when Tyson is being showered with love, gifts, stories and traditions. I feel it every time I picture the future of our family. I can close my eyes and so vividly picture Tyson playing with his brother or sister. I can picture them running from their rooms to the Christmas tree to see what Santa left them. I can picture Tyson teaching him or her how to sing their ABC's or tie their shoes. I can even picture the fights that almost all siblings get into and then having them make up and run off laughing and playing together. I can picture Tyson having someone to talk to when his parents no longer know anything. Or Tyson coming home for college on a break and teaching his brother or sister to drive a car. I picture so many parts of them growing up together, but most important I see Tyson and another child being there for each other when their parents are no longer around. So tonight I will pray even harder that we will be blessed with another child to join our family.
If your reading this, I could really use your prayers too. :)
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