Have a Happy Period!

I have never understood the commercials that claim with the use of their product you can achieve the impossible and have a "Happy Period." I mean really, what has ever been happy about it!?! The horrendous cramps, the bloating, the mood swings? I'm sorry no matter how many wings you add to those pads or how many pearls you attach to the sting of a tampon, my periods will never be happy.

With the exception for this one. 

I was starting to panic that this cycle would not happen because of the medications we were put on over the last month or so in preparations for our first round of IVF. We have to return to our doctor's office this Thursday and if my period hadn't show up by then, we might have had to cancel this round of treatment. Because I am leaving the country to return to the US in June, not having my period arrive could have meant the end of our TTC (trying to conceive) journey. 

So for once, I will exclaim that  in fact I have found the HAPPY in my period and will not complain about any of the side effects that accompany it. 

Don't worry Jeff, I promise I will go back to my bitchy old self, hopefully 9 months from now, when the next one shows up.

Thinking about starting a VLOG

I have been a bit obsessed lately, watching other women's struggles and successes through the IVF process. I am amazed as to the amount of information I have gained while watching others and though it might be interesting to start my own. My perspective through this process while being in a foreign country. For those of you who are reading my blog, do you think this would be something that would interest and benefit others? I don't want to do this for the attention or anything like that. I want to do it to inform people of my journey and share the information that I have through my experience. Anyway, leave a comment and let me know what you think. :)

Doctor's Appointment Update

I returned to the doctor yesterday, but I still haven't started on the medication that I assumed I would be given. Instead they gave me a single injection into the stomach and told me to return if I started my next cycle before the 3rd of May. 

Before I left I did receive another ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus. If all goes well, when I return on the 3rd, I will then be given my cocktail of medications and injectables. 

While I have yet to find my own personal nirvana within the stresses of life, I am trying to focus on getting getting my body as ready as possible to hopefully carry our child for the next 9 months. 

I am not void of complaints in this post though. Sorry. 

If this cycle of IVF should not work, we will not get a second chance. I will be returning to the US in June and while my husband will be returning next year, my son and I will not. I have done quite a bit of research and it will be possible to transfer any embryos we may still have back to a clinic near my home, however the problem with that is that IVF is so unnecessarily expensive back home. It being close to 20,000$ for one round of IVF there, it is only about 800$ (US) here. Hopefully we can come up with a solution if this round should not result in a positive, healthy pregnancy.

Thinking ahead is hard.

     This Thursday I finally go back to the doctor to start on the next round of medication that will enable us prepare for egg retrieval, fertilization and ultimately (with the help of God) a healthy pregnancy.  I imagined that once I got to this point I would be elated, but instead my heart is grasping for every last string of hope and happiness. I am still painfully grieving the loss of our beautiful baby while learning that people I dearly love are slowly slipping away from me. As soon as I reach a point where I feel like I can finally start to focus on myself and heal, another devastating blow is given. My heart is so broken from having to say goodbye to people I love. To know that I am so very far away while there still here. While there holding on for one last visit, one last chance make a memory, one last chance to say everything in one short moment that should otherwise take a lifetime.

     My biggest fear in going abroad was that someone I love would be in a situation where they would no longer be there when I got back. It was a fear that almost kept me grounded to where I was. My Grandparents who mean the world to me told me that they would understand if I couldn't be there. Even joked about having to miss out on all the boring "dead people" stuff.  Both on their 90's it was always a possibility, but one that I prayed would not come true. Never did I imagine that I would not only be facing the real possibility of loosing my Grandmother before I am able to get home, but my Mother In Law as well. Not to mention having just touched down back in Korea only to learn a few hours later that my Father In Law had passed away. They say they understand but how do you really forgive someone for not being there. For someone missing out on two years of their lives together. For keeping a Grandson and a Great Grandson away. How to you say I'm sorry for not being there over the phone. How do you say Goodbye to someone you love over Skype?

     I know that I desperately need to find peace with myself and with what is happening to those I love. I know that if I am this stress and this emotional that the IVF will not work, but how can that be the focus of my life right now. The idea of bringing another child into a world where some of the most amazing people I have ever been given the privilege to know and to love will not be there is tearing me apart. How do I raise my child to know some of  the most amazing people to have blessed this Earth without ever getting to meet them?

     The only thing that is truly keeping me going is the power of prayer and the cling to faith that they will still be there when I get back. That cancer will disappear instead of the host, that strength and health can be found even in the latest of years and that miracles will happen. That maybe they can hold on long enough to hold our precious baby that I know they so desperately want to meet as much as we do.

Please pray for my Grandmother to stay strong.

And for my Mother In Law who is fighting Cancer and to my Father In Law who is already in Heaven holding our little one for us until we get there.

                                                                           And to our beautiful baby, I miss you always.                                                               You have some amazing people ready to hold you and take care of you, but like with you, I'm not ready to let go yet.

The next step.

    I went back to see my doctor yesterday and I have officially started treatment for IVF. At first I was a bit confused since the only medication I was actually given was birth control pills. Totally makes since right? If your trying to get pregnant and your husband is currently in a different country, you go on birth control. 

    After asking why I would need to take birth control she explained that they need to control every step of this cycle and the birth control will ensure that I do not start to ovulate before they want me to. I will take one pill for seven days then two pills for four days then go to the single pink pills for seven days. On April 18th I will have to return to the doctor to receive the next round of medication, most likely more self given injections to the stomach. YIPPEE!! I am a huge fan of needles!, I would rather stub my toe in the middle of the night on my way back from the bathroom then even think about getting a needle! Better yet, my husband will still be away so I will have to give them to myself! Last time Jeff had to give them to me, I could barely even look, let alone grab it and inject myself. 

    Anyway so that's the latest update for now. On the road with a long way to go. 

Any

No luck.

So this month proved to be vastly unsuccessful. Our "schedule" got slightly interrupted because of a semi emergency surgery needed by my wonderfully protagonistic husband. I say wonderful because I am trying my best to put a positive spin on a situation that could have otherwise been avoided.

Even if our schedule had not been interrupted by a hospital stay, I am not completely convinced that this would have been "the month." I had purchased multiple ovulation predictor tests before flying her this year, and not one of them gave me a positive result. Forcing me to accept to the wisdom of our doctor who continuously tried to drill in the fact that although my ovaries produce eggs, they do not always muster up whatever is needed to actually cause ovulation. Can I please note that I am not one to relinquish my fanciful ideas of a perfect conception story lightly, but I will if that means doing what is necessary to reach our goals.

Our doctor wants us to have the best possible chance for a healthy pregnancy, as do we, so today we are going back to see her to start our IVF cycle. Just saying it out loud is overwhelmingly scary. IVF is a HUGE step that I never thought we would have to come close to taking. As nervous as I am, I know that this is our best, and one of our last options. So I will bravely, or more accurately muster up enough fake smiles to give the facade of bravery, to endure all of the needles, blood work and all to personal ultrasounds to reach our goal of expanding our family.

Ready, Set, Coitis.

Jeff and I had to go back to the doctor again on Thursday to find out if our follicle is mature enough to try to conceive. After a quick ultrasound, the doctor determined that my follicle had not grown as much as she would have liked, which could mean one of two things.

 1. The egg might not be mature enough to ovulate.

 2. There is no actual egg in the follicle. 

She said that it was fine to go ahead and try to see if we could conceive on our own, but she didn't seem very hopeful. Might I add that there is nothing more awkward then having to sit in front of a doctor that barely speaks the same language as she tells you she has "decided your coitis dates" What happened to good old fashioned romance and too much wine? 

Anyway, if this cycle does not result in a pregnancy, then we are going to move onto IVF. Because of my hormone levels being so horribly off, and the abnormal shape of my uitrus, she believes this will be the best chance for us to conceive a healthy baby.  She explained that I would go back to see her on March 30th and I would start my 20 days of hormone therapy. 20 DAYS!!! REALLY!!! Is that even normal?

When I got home I decided to do a little research on the IVF process since I obviously have no idea what it entails. I was shocked to learn that I might have to give myself up to seven different injections a day, depending on our course of treatment. For someone who is afraid of needles, this was not a high point. But I will do whatever it takes for us to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I am still not sure as to the exact number of days that a normal cycle involves, but I am sure I will learn more about the process with more research. 

As for now, I will cross my fingers that something might happen on it's own this month. It really would be an ideal time to not only conceive but to deliver. If I am back home in the states still, at least Jeff could come home for Christmas break and hopefully be there for the birth of our second child.

Try Try Try Again

So today Jeff and I went back to the doctor to talk about our options for trying to get pregnant again. Or at least I thought we were there to just talk. Before I even had a chance to get comfortable, the nurse came over with the world's tiniest Dixie cup for me to pee in. Next time I will have to bring my camera because these smaller then shot glass cups are something to remember. 

Not long after that the nurse came out to get me again, but this time to bring me behind the infamous little curtain in the corner to get ready for an internal ultrasound. YIPPEE!!!! At least I didn't forget the slippers this time.

I'm not sure if it was because it's only been a little less then two months since the surgery, but oh my goodness it hurt!!! I ended up having to ask her to stop, but she didn't seem to concerned. Before she was finished, she did discover that I am ovulating on my own!! From the left side!!! Unfortunately because of the amount of pain the ultrasound wand caused me, I hardly doubt that Jeff and I will be trying to take advantage of this opportunity. I hate to just see this tiny egg wasted, but I just don't think I am physically ready. 

On another good note, the doctor was all for Cryogenically freezing Jeff's "sample" when he leaves so that we do not have to put off trying in April. She also wants us to move ahead with IVF because of  the MRI I had done a month ago. Apparently she thinks there is a little more to "consider" then the doctor who performed the test, but we will go over that more next time. Until then, we have a lot to talk about. At least this was a start.

Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne (lyrics)

The more I think about starting over and trying again, the more I realize what is gone. I want to start over, but I don't want to forget about what was. It was real for me. I was in love. I will always be in love with our baby who slipped away.

One of those days

I knew the moment I saw the screen that I would be sad for a very long time. I knew that moving on from this was going to take time, but I didn't imagine being really happy one minuet and then completely engulfed in sadness the next. These past few days I have been in such a funk and I can't seem to dig myself out. I am so grateful for my family and even work for giving me an escape from myself. A time that I can focus on something so intensely that I loose myself and all thoughts for a short time. Because when it's just me, I am so consumed with this never ending sadness. It's a sadness that I don't want to be feeling. I want to just be happy. To be happy for all that I have in my life. To be able to look around and only see the things that bring me joy, but instead I see so many reminders that I can't yet bring myself to get rid of. I turn on my computer and updates pop up to tell me how far along I am suppose to be. There's a calender at the bottom of my screen that lists every mild stone my baby should be reaching. Right now my little bean should be around 100 grams and already making poop. Poop, did I really just get teary eyed over poop! I mean 100 grams doesn't even seem like anything. How could you love something so deeply that's barely the weight of a grape.

I know I should close everything down, delete the dozens of bookmarks and not remind myself of everything that I am missing. I know I should, but I just can't hit that button. I can't wipe away every last reminder that it was real. That my baby was real. 

I need something to hold onto. I need something tangible to let me know that our child did exists and that it really is ok to morn this tiny being that disappeared. Thankfully somehow Jeff realized this and ordered me the most beautiful necklace. He had it hand made in the US and shipped over. It's a tiny heart with even tinier footprints. Footprints that will never grow but ones that have filled my heart for all eternity. It also has the birthstone and age of our baby engraved on the back. I didn't know it would be possible to have something like this made, but I am so grateful to have it. I love having something to hold when I am sad, some physical part of our baby that I can keep with me forever. Proof that this is not just all a bad dream. 

I know that eventually the sadness will retreat. That the memories of those horrible days will fade and that I will move on. I will never forget but I will no longer be filled with such sadness. I'm not sure when that will happen, but for now I will just keep reminding myself that sadness is a way of healing and that healing does not mean forgetting. After all how can I be sad forever knowing what our baby has now. The song below is the best way I know to describe how I feel when thinking of where our baby is now.

 

Baby Angel

    Yesterday Tyson brought me home a paper he had worked on in school. The paper was meant to be a practice reading and handwriting worksheet, but for Tyson it turned out to be so much more. The sentence on the paper was, Have you got a little brother or sister? Tyson did a pretty good job writing the sentence, not the best, but he tried hard. What really made me emotional was that in the space provided for a picture, he wrote baby angel (BaeBe Ajail) and drew a picture of a little angel. 

I though for sure the first time I saw him express anything about the baby would make me very sad, but it didn't. I was just happy to see that he is finally comfortable enough to talk about it. Well maybe not talk about it, but at least find his own way of bringing it up.

    When he came home to show me the picture he sat right down and told me all about his picture.  special and I had to take very good care of it. He wanted me to put it with the baby's picture and keep it forever. He never had to ask me that, I will never part with it. 

This is not the first time he has mentioned the baby, but it is the first time he talked this much to me about it. Before when I tried to talk to him, he would simply tell me that he wouldn't talk to me because it made me sad. I tried so hard to tell him that talking to him didn't make me sad, but kids are smart. Thankfully there was someone here at the school who was able to talk with him and it seemed to make a huge difference in those first few days. He was so confused and angry and I didn't know how to help him. I really hope that I can get up the emotional courage to finally thank that person face to face. It really was like night and day with him after they talked.

    Right now Tyson's favorite thing to do is look at my ultrasound picture and read a book that Jeff and I ordered for him called, We Were Going To Have a Baby But We Got An Angel Instead, over and over. I really hope that through his picture we can start to talk about it more and he will be able to tell me what he is feeling and if he has any questions. I will never pressure him to talk to me, but I will be right here when he is ready.

Telling friends and saying thank you.

I was not sure how to tell everyone what had happened. I knew that a few people here at the school had heard that I had to have surgery and were nervous that something was really wrong. I knew Jeff would be strong enough for me to tell everyone but I couldn't put him through that. I couldn't make him face one person after another and tell them how we all looked at that screen to our tiny baby only to be told there was no heartbeat.  To tell everyone my heart was broken and I didn't know how to fix it. 

I know it may seem tacky to a lot of people, but I chose to post it on facebook. That way I was able to tell everyone at the same time and not have to get that "I'm so sorry" look from everyone. I was able to tell them and just lay in bed trying to heal. I was able to tell everyone and cry into my pillow and not have anyone stand there and have to watch me. Everyone here has been so amazing and supportive and I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to work with. Even when a few brought me down, the rest were there to pick me up. I am grateful for them and even more so for having my parents here with me. I don't know what I would have done if they were not by my side. The first few days after I was in so much pain and I wanted to stay in that bed and drown myself in shock and heartache. If it wasn't for Tyson, my parents and those around me I don't know if I would have ever left that bed. For those who came to see me, sent flowers or kind words, I will never be able to thank you enough in person. I couldn't do it without becoming emotional and I don't want to do that to you. For Mia, you have been there through every step from the first moment to the last. I hated having to put you there, having to see you hurting with us but I can't ever thank you enough for helping us through this. I know that when we are ready to try again you will once again stand with us because that's the amazing person you are. Thank you for not only being our nurse, but our friend!!!

Jaunary 9, 2012. The day my heart broke

For the past 5 years I have wished on every birthday candle, on every coin tossed in a fountain, on every 4 leaf clover found and every star I saw shoot across the sky. I prayed to God every night to send us another miracle to love and call our own. I knew it was not going to be easy but I never gave up hope. Finally after so long we got the call that you were finally here and that you were growing strong and would join our family in August. My heart overflowed into tears and I could not wait to holler to the world that you were finally here. We decided to wait just to make sure everything was perfect so we kept you our wonderful little secret. Oh Christmas morning I couldn't keep that secret in any longer and Daddy and I finally sat down and told your big Brother, Tyson, that you were on your way. That is something I will cherish every second I am on this earth. I know he fell in love with you that very moment and could not wait to see you. Tyson decided we needed a name for you and so he came up with Baby Bibblemin. I don't know where he came up with it, but we all agreed it was the perfect name for our little baby. Everyday he would put his ear to my stomach and tell me if you were crying, laughing or hungry. He refused to sleep anywhere except right next to me so he could be as close to you as possible. As much as we were enjoying our vacation together as a family, I wanted to get back home so we could see you again on the ultrasound. Tyson was so excited and asked every day what you would look like and if you would be able to see him too. We finally got home and before we could go and see you, we had our family Christmas together. It was so special having Nannie and Papa there with us this year and we all talked about what it was going to be like having you with us at Christmas time next year. Tyson was so sweet and told us he would give you all of his favorite pj's that he outgrew. My heart was overjoyed and my dreams were coming true. The next day we all went to the doctor together and when they finally called our name, Tyson almost screamed with excitement. Sadly with everyone watching the screen we were told that your tiny heartbeat could not be found. You had slipped away without us ever knowing. My little baby was gone and my heart was broken. Having to sit down and explain to Tyson that instead of joining our family God brought you back to Haven to become an angel was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He was so sad and confused and just laid in my lap sobbing. That night I prayed harder than I had ever before that the doctor would be wrong and that we would go for another scan and we would find you happily bouncing around. That wasn't to be and after 8 weeks and 6 days you were taken away. My heart feels empty without you, like I lost you before I ever got to say that I love you. I don't know why you had to leave us but I hope that you hear me when I talk to you. I hope you know that I love you so much and even though I was only able to carry you under my heart for a short time, I will carry you in my heart forever.....

Back from Vacation

I know that I did not post much about our vacation here, but I promise I will post it on my other blog as soon as we get unpacked more and settled down. Today we had Christmas for Tyson and the dorm and it was so much fun. When my Dad asked what he would do next year with baby Bibblemin, he said he would save all of his favorite pajamas that don't fit him and give them to the baby. If you know how attached Tyson is to his pajamas you would know what a big deal that is. 

Tomorrow is my next ultrasound day and it's going to be a full room. Jeff, my Mom and Tyson are all going with me. Unfortunately I could not find Mia to remind her of the appointment, but I am sure she will be there for the next one. Tyson is so excited and I can't wait for him to finally see that this really is real!!

Ouch!!

I don't remember being in as much pain with Tyson this early on, but I am sure with everything growing and stretching after a c-section will feel different. As much as I am LOVING this time with my family seeing different things, I can't wait to get home to see our little Bibblemin again. Oh, Bibblemin is what Tyson has decided to name our baby. He said we couldn't keep calling the baby boy or girl. I can't even say how much I love the name. It is just perfect and we are all so in love with our Bibblemin.

Sick in Thailand

These past few days I have been feeling really sick. Not that I mind at all, but I just hope I am not dampening any one's vacation. Christmas day we took Tyson to ride the elephants, go on a bamboo raft down the river and ride the Ox cart. At night we had an amazing supper at our hotel, complete with traditional dancing by the owner's orphans she works with. Long after it got dark we got to do something I have always wanted. We got to light and release paper lanterns into the air. We had about two dozen and it was amazing. When I was letting mine drift out of my hands I kept thinking how blessed I was to have everything I prayed for and so my only wish was the health and safety of my family. For the first time in years, my wish was not "please help us to have another baby come into our lives."

I'll post pictures soon.

Christmas Morning in Thailand

After hearing my Dad spill the news to a few people staying at the hotel, I decided that I wanted to tell Tyson the big news today. I just couldn't stand the idea of him finding out from someone else. 

Jeff and I sat on the couch with Tyson on my lap while my Mom video taped everything. I told him that I had one more Christmas present for him, but he wouldn't be able to play with it until about August 15th. When he asked why, I told him it was because Mommy and Daddy were finally giving him the baby he had always asked for and that we were pregnant. It took a minuet for it to sink in, but when it did he was screaming, hugging us and just laughing. He put his hand on my tummy and kept asking if there was really a baby in there. When I told him yes, he asked if he could go tell his friends that he had met at our hotel. I told him yes and he went out the door screaming "my Mommy is having a baby." He was so excited, and I couldn't help but to cry. When I can figure out how, I will post the video to show you his excitement. 

I really couldn't have imagined his being a better Christmas.

December 18th Cambodia and Morning Sickness

Today I had my first real bout with morning sickness. I was almost excited to get sick because I knew it meant my little baby is growing fast and strong. I still hope I don't get as sick as I did for Tyson, but I will not complain once about any of the side effects of being pregnant.

My parents are here!!!

Today, December 10th, my parents arrived here in Korea for an extended visit. I can't even begin to say how happy I am that they are here with us. I have been trying to think of ways to tell them for days, but it came down to me bringing them into our room and showing them the It's a Girl and It's a Boy signs I had hung in Jeff's closets, along with pink, blue and white balloons. Once again my Mom said she knew before I did. Apparently she has some pictures of my sister and I hanging in her house and every time one of us is pregnant, mostly my sister, the pictures have hung crooked on the wall. She said she was walking by the photo and saw that it was very crooked and just knew that it meant we were pregnant. They were both very excited and even more so because my Mom will get to go with us to our next ultrasound. 

Before that we are going to be traveling for Christmas vacation to Cambodia, Thailand and Indonesia. I have already checked with my doctor and she has assured me that traveling will not be a problem. Just to be careful with what I eat and drink. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!!!

Telling friends

I feel bad that I am choosing to tell a few people that I work with the great news and not others, but some were instrumental in helping us get to this point. The first person we told after Mia was a good friend that works here with us at DIS. Well both people we told work here. She was super excited for us and it felt so good to share the news with someone! The second person was another huge help in getting us to where we are. She gave us the recommendation to the hospital, made giving birth here sound a lot less scary and has just been someone I have been able to talk to through out this process. She was also very happy for us and it felt so good for others to join in our happiness. I truly can not wait until we can share the news with everyone!!!

December 7th

Today we got to go to the hospital to see our little baby on the ultrasound. It was just Mia and I because Jeff was too nervous to go with us. Because we had 4 follicles during the IUI we had a chance of having 4 or more babies implant. I couldn't help but picture two or three little babies running around with Tyson, but I am still overjoyed to report that we have one healthy happy little baby. So far everything looks great, my HCG levels are increasing rapidly and life is perfect. 

We have decided to wait until Tyson's birthday, January 18th to tell him. How I am going to keep this a secret I'll never know.

December 5th TEST DAY

Today was test day, finally. Mia and I went to the doctor after work today for a blood test to determine if I am pregnant. When we left they told me that they would call in a few hours to let me know. I think I cleaned the every dorm room waiting for that call. Finally at 4:30 in the afternoon the call came. "Congratulations your pregnant." I wanted to scream and run around telling everyone but I somehow managed to stay calm. Jeff was in the other room and I wanted to surprise him. Apparently my voice and my face gave it away and he asked with a smile what the doctor had said. I told him that it was positive and he just smiled. We started talking about when we would tell Tyson, what we would need to buy and how strange this felt to finally be coming true. The first person we told was Mia. We called her cell  but there was no answer so I left her a text. 

I still can't believe this is finally happening. I can't wait to tell Tyson the exciting news!!!

Feeling tired.

The past few days I have been feeling so unbelievable tired. As soon as I wake up I feel like I want to turn around are climb right back into bed and sleep the day away. I am really hoping this is the first sigh that I might actually be pregnant!! I still have a few days before we go in for a blood test, but I think tomorrow I will try another at home test. Please wish me luck!!!

IUI DAY!!!!

Ok first I have to start of by saying that the X-ray day had nothing on this one!!!

Today Jeff and I went in for our IUI and well, it was another Korean only experience. The day started out with us thinking that we would go to the doctor, early in the morning when it wouldn't be busy, Jeff would do his thing and we would both be together, holding hands, while we took the steps we would need to try to get pregnant. The only thing thing that held true was Jeff doing his thing and me doing mine.

    When we got there the place was PACKED. In fact Jeff got stuck outside in a huge line of cars waiting for a chance to even get into the parking garage. I went upstairs and filled out the paperwork and tried to find a seat among the dozens of Korean faces all looking at me. Not one chair was empty and everyone was there for the same thing. IUI. Apparently they make a day of it. So I sat down and waited a good 30 minuets for Jeff to finally park the car. As soon as he got in, they gave him his paperwork to fill out and his little cup. He went behind the big black door and I went to sit closer to him. When he came out he was laughing and trying to explain to me what the little room was like.

The lights were turned almost completely off, there was a poster of a barely naked Korean women on the wall and a leather chair that was ripped down the center. Not trying to share TMI but he chose to stand. After he was done his portion, he said he just had to turn on the TV just to see what they would be playing. He siad it was the worst Korean porn he had ever seen, and no he has never seen Korean porn. He said he only watched for a moment because he was afraid someone would hear him laughing and really start to wonder.

    While we were sitting waiting for his sperm to be "washed" I started wondering just how they keep track of who's deposit belonged to whom. I mean there were at least 45 other women there with their husbands about to have the same thing done as me. The more I wondered, the harder Jeff tried to insure me that his name and a specific number was on the container, but I am still not convinced 100% that they never make a mistake. Oh well, at least Korean babies are SO stinkin cute!!

    After about an hour and a half a nurse came over to get me and when I asked if Jeff could go too, she said no. No, really? My husband can't even be in the room when we get pregnant? Ha I guess all those times people told us we needed to sleep in the same room were wrong. Anyway the next part of this is just too absurd to even try to make up.

    While the nurse is walking me to the other side of the office she grabs another Korean women to come with us. I though nothing of it at all until we she opened the door with the IUI sign above it. Ok, still no big deal, could just be the door to another office. Boy was I wrong!! Nope, she leads us a little ways into the room and tells us to change. Yup, to change right there in front of each other with no curtain or divider. Once again I am given the tiny Korean gown to wear, but this time I am also given a tiny bathrobe to not cover up with. After we were dressed, and again this is too bazaar to make up, she brings us on the other side of this little wall to a room with a row of 10 beds. The beds are all side by side with no space at all between. The nurse then asks us to jump up on the beds next to each other. Someday I will find out why short hospital gowns equals beds that are 6 feet off the ground. 

    The two of us try our best to look the other way as we unattractively climb onto these beds. Once on, the nurse asks to lay down and covers us up. Ok so this must be some sort of waiting room, RIGHT?!?

After she gets us all covered up, she flips a switch that starts heating the bed up and then walks over to turn on a CD player before turning on a row of chandeliers. Yes you read right, in between the rows of florescent lighting is a row of gold chandeliers complete with crystals hanging down. Nice of them to set the mood.

So now I am laying on a bed that is making me feel like I peed myself, covered in a hello kitty blanket, listening to sounds of the ocean, staring at these ridicules lights with another women lying next to me who keeps making strange noise, all while being surrounded by windows on 3 sides that are covered in curtains that I am convinced are going to open any minuet for an expectant audience. The only thing I could do was turn my head and try to keep my laughter to myself.

    I mean how could this situation get more ridiculous. Oh wait, I know. The doctor could walk in, have me scoot to the end of the bed and perform my IUI while the women next to me sits up and watches. Even though the actual IUI was really uncomfortable, the only thing that I could do was put my arm over my face and laugh. I mean who ever thinks "when I get pregnant I want my husband out in another room so I can lay next to some stranger who I can't even speak to while laying under a hello kitty blanket while someone injects sperm into my uterus. Again, only in Korea."

    I have to wait 14 days before I can test and I am really, REALLY hoping this worked because I don't know if I could go though that again.    :)

IUI date

    Today we went back to the doctor for another ultrasound and we found out we have 4 follicles!!! I am so excited and really hopeful that this will be our month! If we do get pregnant now, I will not have to leave work early and I could deliver at home. This would mean that I would miss a bit of school next fall and have to fly alone with a newborn and a 6 year old almost 24 hours back here, but that's all secondary. Tonight at 8pm we have to go back to the doctor to get another injection to again try to force ovulation. Our IUI date is November 21st at 10:00am. Thankfully Jeff and I had no problem getting the morning off from work. I hate not telling everyone why we need the time off, but I just don't know how to bring it up. Not to mention we don't want to say anything until we are at least in our second trimester in case, God forbid, something happen. I don't want to make anyone here uncomfortable because of us. 

Fingers crossed and prayers flying!!!

First Injection

    Today was my first injection and it wasn't as bad as I imagined. It was actually funny to watch big, strong Jeff turn to a shaking bass of nerves. He was fine until I actually pulled the needle out of the package.  When he went to inject it the first time he actually closed his eyes! After psyching himself out, he finally stuck the needle into my stomach. Sadly he did it WAY too slow so it hurt a little more. Mia laughed when I told her because she had given Jeff a "how to" talk the day before. Hopefully the next one he will just jab in fast and not hurt me at all.

New treatment

Today, November 6th, we started a new round of fertility treatments. Our doctor wants to get more aggressive in trying to conceive so this month we are going to try IUI or Intrauterine Insemination. This requires a lower dose of Clomid in addition to injections into the abdomen.I am also continuing the Metformin even though the effects have not been positive. I am still gaining despite going to Zumba twice a week and Power 90 in my room. 

I am a little nervous about the injections since Jeff will be the one administering them, but he assures me that he is not nervous in the least. At least he gets to be more involved this month, even if I am still the one that has to deal with all the painful parts. Honestly I wouldn't change anything for the world. I know I am doing what I need to get the family I feel is right for us.

Really good about not testing early

I have been so good this month about not testing too early, but sadly when I did today there was no line. I know I still have 3 more days until my cycle should start, but I am not counting on it. I am hopeful though and I think the 5 more pregnancy tests I bough from Home Plus today shows that. On a side note, the man that works at the pharmacy keeps giving me this look like I must be selling tests on the side. That or trying way too hard because today he gave Jeff and I each a free bottle of vitamin C. lol

Messed up my blog somewhere

We are on our second round of fertility treatment this month, October. Our first round started on September 9th. Sorry, that's the trouble of backtracking to post. 

Anyway, today I went in for another ultrasound to see if we have any mature follicles. After 6 days of medication I have two healthy follicles. Amazingly I actually have a follicle on my left ovary that has never produced a follicle. In fact, when I was 16 I was told that it was so small and covered in cysts that it most likely was not functional. Who know tossing a bunch of medication into the system would actually wake it up. 

Tonight we have to go back to the office for an injection that will hopefully insure ovulation. Having to wait until our test day will be so hard, but I know we will get through it. Thankfully I have a lot to do at work right now to keep me busy.

Are you in need of a good laugh?

    Today was my Hysterosalpingogram test and it was by far the most hysterical experience of my life!! Jeff, Mia and I arrived at the most amazing hospital around 3:00. I say amazing because this hospital does nothing but MRIs, CT scans and X-rays. I know that sounds impressive, but the truly remarkable part was that each doctor there not only does the test, but also read and give you the results at the same appointment! In the states I have had to wait up to 2 weeks to get the results from an MRI.

That was the amazing part, now for the hysterical part....

    After we meet with the doctor, who spoke 0 English, to get an idea of what he was going to do, we walked up a few floors to where they would be doing the test. The only thing I could think about was Mia's lovely "quite painful" speech and repeatedly ask Jeff if he wanted to do it for me. After declining to "grow the equipment needed" I was called to the back, but before having the procedure that was now turning into a "small surgery," I had to change my clothes. Now I am 6 feet tall and no where close to the size of a normal Kore women, and yet they only had Korean sized gowns to provide. After a move that would have put any dancing with the stars hopeful to shame, I finally got into this "gown". Basically no more than a shirt, it barely came down enough to cover my belly button let alone the rest of my goodies. After a quick look in the mirror and a REALLY good laugh at myself I poked my head out of the door to tell Mia that I was ready. The nurse then comes over to get me so I can WALK down the hall to where the test will be done. Really? You want me to walk down the hall half naked in a shirt that looks like it was meant for my 6 year old, with slippers that again barely cover my toes down a hall with other people looking at me. Oh thank the Lord I will never see these people again!! Anyway I ran, holding my shirt down as much as possible to the little room,  where the nurses were waiting. They then ask me to jump up on a cold metal table and lie down. Haha ok so there is no way possible to do this gracefully so I just closed my eyes and jumped. At least with my eyes clothes I could pretend no one was looking. 

So now I am up on this table thinking, "ok any time you can give me a towel or something to through over my legs and cover me up a bit" but I guess that wasn't their priority. The next thing I know Mia comes in to hold my hand and explain again what the doctor is going to do. Wait, nope, not what he is GOING to do, what he IS doing. Poor Mia is standing there, holding my hand, with me knees in the air and baring everything for everyone while the doctor does his thing. As he is getting me ready he starts talking to her in Korean and apparently tells her how he is actually a bit nervous because he is unable to communicate with me. Nervous, really he is nervous!! So I turned to her, as the nurse is pumping my arm full or Morphine, and tell her he's not the one who should be nervous. I'm the one that is laying on the table half naked, feeling very exposed and still wondering how that "quite painful" thing is going to turn out. (Can I please note that the large amount of Morphine was not a in my book a positive indicator.)  Dear sweet Mia, not knowing that comment was meant for her only, translates this to the doctor who, along with his nurses, starts laughing. Now there all laughing, in a good way I hope, but I'm starting to feel drugged and as though the room is spinning and now it's time for the actual X-ray part. Mia is then asked to leave the room and the doctor does his thing with the contrast and starts taking a bunch of x-rays. Now I am not sure what he though they injected into my arm, but sad to say it wasn't a good dose of know Korean instantly. All of a sudden he starts rapidly talking to me in Korean asking me to move and contort my body into different positions. I only know this is what he is asking me because when I don't comply, he actually grabs my backside and flips me over.  Now the Morphine has really kicked in and the only thing I can do is laugh. I laughed from that moment until I almost somersaulted in the dressing room trying to get out of that little gown.

When we go back downstairs to the doctors office to get the results, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself knowing that this will probably be the appointment next discussed over a many shots of Soju. Thankfully though everything is completely normal and I even got to leave with a complementary copy of my x-rays. Only in Korea. :)